The holidays are here again and as usual our extended family become both a source happiness and anxiety. Sometimes our most important relationships – our spouse and children – are adversely affected by our neurotic desire to please everyone but them.

Big mistake. Here is a good rule of thumb to follow when making decisions this holiday season.

1. Don’t pressure your spouse to make changes to suit your family of origin. Your spouse is your family. Allowing discord between you and your spouse because you want to be the “good child” in your parent’s eyes is playing into their neurotic demands of you.

2. This is your holiday too. Now is the time to be creating your own family traditions. What do you want your children to remember – excitedly anticipating the traditions you have created for them, or watching you sweat as they are dragged to anxious family gatherings?

3. Accept your family’s new plans for celebrating the holidays. As parents and grandparents get older they often find celebrating with family a tiring adventure. If they choose not to celebrate with you honor their decision by maintaining your own plans for the day. Let them know they will be missed and that you will get together with them soon. It is important for your mental health that you acknowledge and graciously accept their decision to spend the holiday with others. It isn’t personal. It is just their choice.

With people living longer healthier lives we might find ourselves dealing with several generations of family traditions. Just remember that you only get one go around in this life and your family deserves your full and undivided attention. Your parents had their go around. Now it’s your turn.

What's the reason marriages fail? It isn't money problems, sexual issues, or incompatibility, marriages fail because of selfishness. Plain and simple - but not so simple to remedy.

Selfishness in small doses is a normal human glitch, and when selfishness is recognized and followed up with hugs and selflessness the damage is minimal. But when selfishness becomes commonplace, when it becomes a personality trait or when it is not replaced with selflessness the relationship begins to take on damage.

Every argument, every dissatisfied moment is a side effect of selfishness. Selfishness is recognized in those moments when you say to yourself, "I just want...," "He needs to...," and any time you blame another for your lack of fulfillment.

"But don't I deserve to have what I want?" people ask me. Sure you do, but that is irrelevant in creating a happy marriage. Marriage needs nurturing, and that requires filling the emotional needs of your partner. Of course you can't fill all of your partners needs - it takes a village - so to speak, but you have made a commitment to do what you can, every day, to make your partner happy to be with you. When your partner feels valued and loved you will discover that your needs will be met as well.

The next time you find yourself murmuring, feeling dissatisfied with your life or your partner, turn that selfish thought into an opportunity to make your partner happy. Stop punishing him with your backhanded jabs or your needy expectations and turn your attention to discovering what you can do to make your relationship better.