Intimate Relationships

2009-06-23T14:53:00.001-07:00

What's the reason marriages fail? It isn't money problems, sexual issues, or incompatibility, marriages fail because of selfishness. Plain and simple - but not so simple to remedy.

Selfishness in small doses is a normal human glitch, and when selfishness is recognized and followed up with hugs and selflessness the damage is minimal. But when selfishness becomes commonplace, when it becomes a personality trait or when it is not replaced with selflessness the relationship begins to take on damage.

Every argument, every dissatisfied moment is a side effect of selfishness. Selfishness is recognized in those moments when you say to yourself, "I just want...," "He needs to...," and any time you blame another for your lack of fulfillment.

"But don't I deserve to have what I want?" people ask me. Sure you do, but that is irrelevant in creating a happy marriage. Marriage needs nurturing, and that requires filling the emotional needs of your partner. Of course you can't fill all of your partners needs - it takes a village - so to speak, but you have made a commitment to do what you can, every day, to make your partner happy to be with you. When your partner feels valued and loved you will discover that your needs will be met as well.

The next time you find yourself murmuring, feeling dissatisfied with your life or your partner, turn that selfish thought into an opportunity to make your partner happy. Stop punishing him with your backhanded jabs or your needy expectations and turn your attention to discovering what you can do to make your relationship better.

When You Disagree about Politics

2008-10-29T00:18:00.000-07:00

Religion and politics are topics that can create hostility and even feelings of hopelessness. In intimate relationships it is not uncommon for a couple to decide not to vote because of their differing views and opinions. More than once I hear my mother say that she wasn't going to vote because her vote would only cancel out my father's vote. She was a democrat and he a republican.

Now as an avidly voting adult I can see the irrational excuse she used to keep from voting. If everyone used that rationale the election results would have to be decided ahead of time and then only those voting for the winning team, and only the number of voters who made the difference between winning and loosing, would be allowed to vote.

The truth is that EVERY VOTE COUNTS! Of course there will be someone somewhere who will vote opposite you, but that in no way nullifies your vote. Statisticians have for decades have understood that if every citizen actually voted our American history, and certainly our future might be very different.

So next week, ditch all of the rationalizations and take the opportunity, given only to those living in a free society, and express yourself, regardless of how your partner is voting. If keeping silent about your opinion will keep the peace at home, take about something you both can agree on, like making love or going for a drive in the country.

Necessary Differences Between Moms & Dads

2008-03-01T22:59:00.000-08:00

Well once again I have just returned from Las Vegas - where I spend time with my family and little granddaughters. There are few intimate relationships in life more rewarding than that between a grandmother and her granddaughter. Mine are aged 20 months and 12 days old. Of course they are the smartest and the most beautiful little girls I've ever seen. And best of all, they have the finest parents God could have offered them.

My daughter-in-law is terrific. She is constantly thinking of ways to perfect her parenting skills and to keep her marriage intimate and fulfilling at the same time. And now with two little babies to care for, it can seem like a daunting task. She was blessed with the personality and the determination to do it. But many young mothers were not so blessed.

Parenting can quickly become another issue who's roots are deeply intertwined in the differences between male and female behaviors. Like it or not, men and women are different creatures and they behave toward their children in differing ways. Most mothers have a strong sense of protection with their children. This is an instinctual response that in previous eras was necessary to keep children from being being eaten by predators, falling off cliffs or eating a poisonous mushroom.

Mothers are generally the caretakers and the nurturers of the family. They fix boo-boos with kisses and they read one extra book at bedtime to make their little ones happy. Moms are often the disciplinarian during the day while dad is at work.

Dads on the other hand have a strong sense of providing for his family financially as well as providing discipline to the kids. He takes discipline seriously and can be impatient with mom's softer ways of dealing with broken rules. He is likely to take quick action, and in a matter of fact way, stop the behavior, explain why that behavior is not tolerated and provide the consequence for misbehavior all in less than a minute. Moms often see this as angry intolerance or being "mean." In fact, it never has to be either angry or mean. It is just the man's general way of dealing with life that he applies to his family.

I like to think of it in terms of grocery shopping. For many women, going to the grocery store is an exercise in finding the very best foods for the very best price. She reads labels, puts menus together in her mind and thinks about the likes and dislikes of each family member. She wants them to enjoy their meals but she also wants the food to be healthy and financially feasible.

Men on the other hand create either a mental or physical grocery list prior to going to the store. Once there they rush in the door, mechanically locate each item on their list and quickly hit the checkout counter. They get the job done in a matter of fact way without all of the peripheral emotional side trips. The job still gets done, just in a different way.

The same is true for a father's parenting technique. He can lovingly but swiftly take care of the problem at hand and get the results he desires - the child learns that daddy means what he says, that he will always enforce the rules and implement the consequences and that he does it with great love and a desire for the child to become a self-motivated rule keeper.

Neither the mother's nor the father's approach is better than the other. In fact it is, once again, another reason children need both a mom and a dad. They need the strong disciplinary hand and they also need the tenderness and comfort a mother can bring to the situation.

So the next time you see your spouse dealing with the children differently than you might have, step back and appreciate how lucky your children are to be able to experience both techniques. Be grateful that they are learning by your examples that it is OK for men and women to be different. Help them understand that there is always more than one way to accomplish a goal.

Can People Fall Out of Love?

2008-02-22T02:28:00.000-08:00

Can people just fall out of love?

No. Love is an intense emotion that is strengthened over time. It is not something that is there one day and gone the next. Love is not the same as physical attraction and it is not the same as neediness. Love is a feeling of unconditional acceptance of and appreciation for another's talents, personality, thoughts and beliefs.

One of the main causes for the breakdown in marriages is that people don't spend enough time together. They take their marriages and their spouses for granted. The breakdown happens slowly, almost invisibly as each person begins to rearrange their priorities, taking more and more time away from each other. They allow work, the kids, soccer games, community activities, extended family obligations, and hobbies to becomes more important than spending time together. When this happens, people grow apart. They become two strangers passing in the night. They're no longer a team. And, because they're distant, the little time they do spend together is unfulfilling and void of intimacy.

This distance and alienation sometimes fools people into thinking they've fallen out of love. They feel numb. They can't imagine ever re-igniting those loving feelings. But the truth is, the love hasn't been destroyed, it's just camouflaged beneath the numbness. By acknowledging the mistakes and re-doing the family priorities to include more quality time together, the feelings of warmth, connection, friendship and intimacy can be restored.

Divorce is the lazy way to deal with a marriage that has become unfulfilling. Divorce in most cases is simply a way to escape looking at how each has contaminated the relationship and let it spin out of control. But the truth is that most marriages can not only be saved, they can be transformed into a welcome and nurturing part of life. It just requires a commitment to each other and to spending more time together.
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The Secret to a Life-long Marriage

2008-02-12T19:22:00.000-08:00

Want to know the secret to a good marriage - the miracle of a life-long relationship? OK, let me tell you. Brace yourself, take notes if you must...

The secret to a life-long, happy marriage is you. That's right, you have the power to make your relationship eternally happy, and learning to utilize that power is easy. Here's what you do. Every time you get frustrated, board or unhappy in your relationship choose to do something about it, something positive. Ask yourself what you can do to make your spouse a little happier, a little less bored or a little less frustrated.

If you are having negative thoughts or feelings about your marriage you can bet that your spouse is too. And the best way to turn your negative thoughts and feelings into positive ones is to do something positive for your spouse. Your act of kindness will light a spark that will result in wonderful happy moments with each other.

When you said "I do" you were making a covenant to love, honor and cherish your spouse. Notice that there is nothing in the marriage ceremony about how you will make sure your desires are met. You covenanted to make your partner happy and to make your marriage happy. As with most things in life, your marriage is not all about you. But it is up to you to make yourself happy by making your partner feel cherished, loved and appreciated.

Have you noticed how people will automatically smile at you if they see you smiling at them? It is the same in intimate relationships. When you smile and lovingly pamper your spouse, your efforts will be reciprocated in kind. Do this every day of your life and you will be guaranteed a lifetime of marital fulfillment.

It sounds so simple, and in a way it is. The hard part is making the commitment to change the way you think, and to acknowledge that you have the ability to turn your marriage around. Try it. After all, what do you have to loose? Choosing to remain miserable, believing that your spouse should be the hero, may result in the loss of your family?

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Infidelity - Who's to Blame?

2008-02-04T15:46:00.000-08:00

The divorce rate in the US is now up to 57% and in about 2/3's of those divorces infidelity is a factor. What causes a spouse to look outside of marriage for emotional or sexual fulfillment? Who is to blame? And how can you stop yourself from cheating?

The causes of infidelity are many. But just as with domestic violence, the victim is never to blame. Whether the cheating is with another person, with pornographic sources or another venue, infidelity is always a choice. One spouse, for various reasons and rationalizations, makes a choice to find sexual pleasure outside of the marriage. Almost always it is a result of the players selfishness and insensitivity toward the remaining spouse.

It never ceases to amaze me at how the offending spouse can create countless reasons for blaming the non-offending spouse. And it also amazes me how often the non-offending spouse takes on the blame. I don't care how "cold" the spouse was, or how much weight they have gained, there is NO excuse for turning outside the marriage to satisfy emotional or physical needs.

How often I have heard an offending spouse say "It just happened." Sex doesn't just happen. It follows a series of steps, each one of which depended upon the participant making the choice to continue down that road.

If you wish to stay true to your marriage it is important that you first make a commitment to yourself and to your spouse to never do anything that might put you at risk. Have a moral code, a set of rules that will keep you from becoming emotionally engaged with a potential temptation.

1. Never allow yourself to be alone in the same room or home with a member of the opposite sex. If you have business to do with someone, stand on the porch, but don't go in. You will keep yourself safe from gossip and from the temptation to engage in a non-business dialog.

2. If you work in an office setting make the decision in advance to never work late with your secretary or anyone of the opposite sex. Our defenses become weak as night falls and we become more relaxed.

3. Are you sometimes asked to attend an after work get-together? Unless your spouse is meeting you there, kindly refuse. Office popularity is not as important as your marriage.

4. Make your love for your spouse and family common knowledge. Refuse to say anything negative about your spouse or your relationship even if you are having difficulties. If you need to talk about your troubles find an excellent family therapist and go with your spouse for help. If your spouse won't go, go by yourself.

5. Take a look at yourself and ask yourself what you can do to make your marriage better. What can you do today to make your spouse know how special they are to you and how much you appreciate them. Put all the passion, time and energy one might put into an affair into your marriage instead. I guarantee it will make a difference.

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Restraining Orders and Self Protection

2008-01-24T03:34:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately some intimate relationships end badly. The couple separates and a restraining order is filed.

A restraining order is a legal order of protection for someone who has been or who feels victimized by another person. Most restraining orders specify how far the person in question has to stay away from the person who filed. It also lists other legal boundaries that need to be enforced such as no phone calls, emails, or any other direct or indirect communication with the victim.

The biggest problems that I see with most couples who have a restraining order in place is 1. the victim breaches the order by initiating or allowing contact with the perpetrator 2. the victim doesn't report all of the perpetrators attempts at contact 3. family members don't take the restraining order seriously and allow themselves to be used as go-betweens.

Restraining orders are not awarded haphazardly and they need to be respected and honored by everyone involved. If the victim chooses to disregard the restraining order in any way it automatically becomes null and void, rendering it useless. Law officers cannot take action if the order has been violated by the victim.

Family members will always take sides in a family dispute, but it is important for them to refuse to breach a restraining order. they should never pass on messages for the perpetrator regardless of how innocent they believe him/her to be. Doing so can put their loved one in legal or physical jeopardy.

The person who filed the restraining order should keep an accurate and detailed list of all attempts at contact the perpetrator makes. List dates, times and the action taken. Then call and report the attempted contact to the police. Neglecting to report attempted breaches will only cause the perpetrator to believe that you have no desire to enforce the order. And that can lead to devastating results.

Overcome the Stress of Moving

2008-01-10T00:49:00.000-08:00

With the housing market in the US causing people to relocate at an alarming rate I thought it appropriate to blog about the stress of moving on marriage and other intimate relationships.

The stress caused by relocating is 2nd only to the death of a loved one. And like dealing with a death, it takes about 2 years before a family fully recuperates and begins to feel at home in their new location. This is true even when you have only moved a few blocks, but the stress a family experiences can be exacerbated by factors such as financial difficulties, starting a new job, children starting in new schools, and leaving friends and family behind.

Even the most loving and committed couple can suffer periods of anxiety and marital discord during and after a move. For couples who are already dealing with threats to their relationship, moving may become the relationships final blow.

If relocating is in your future here are some ways to get through it without damaging your family happiness.

1. Stay well within your budget when choosing a place to rent or purchase. Few things create discord more intensely than getting into a home that is putting a strain on your wallet. It is much wiser to choose fewer bells and whistles and maintain family harmony.

2. Hire professional movers. Call the chamber of commerce and Better Business Bureau to find out if the moving company you are considering has any complaints against it and how the company responded to the complaints.

3. Helping to alleviate your child's stress will also alleviate yours. Take your child with you when choosing a new home. Show them the school they will attend as well as the parks, church building and library they will be living near.

4. Be kind to each other. Share your happiness as well as your concerns with each other. Include your partner in all of the decisions that have to be made regarding the move.

5. After moving in have a getting to know you party for your family. Invite neighbors and church members and school mates. Get involved in the community as quickly as possible in order to make friends and increase your support network.

6. Spend time together getting to know the new area. Take turns driving to major shopping areas and other local business. Take walks in the neighborhood together and locate museums, historical landmarks and picnic areas where you can spend time together.

7. Listen to each other. After a few months, if your partner begins to complain of loneliness or depression be sensitive. Make plans to visit old friends and family during the next holiday or long weekend. Do what you can to spend more time together.

Moving is stressful enough with packing, choosing a new home, and working to fit in to a new community. But by following a few easy steps you can reduce that stress to manageable levels.

Mending Fences with Family & Friends

2007-12-25T22:08:00.000-08:00

"I expect to pass through this world but once; any good thing therefore that I can do or any kindness that I can show t any fellow creature, let me do it now, let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again." -- John Wesely

Every day with our loved ones is precious. Every moment we have to share our love for them is cherished, and every opportunity we have to forgive is priceless.

No bruised ego, no hurt feeling is worth the pain of realizing that you have waited too long to mend your fences. And yes, it is your fence too. Fences rest on borders, and are the responsibility of both parties. Waiting for the other to take responsibility for their share is to place yourself into the role of a victim, and to deny yourself the joy that comes with taking the first brave step to heal old wounds.

Don't let pride keep you from letting go of your self-righteous anger. Mend those fences today, because today will never pass by this way again.

The Do's & Dont's of Middle Aged Dating

2007-12-16T05:01:00.000-08:00

Dating after 40 can be a swift reminder that you aren't an adolescent anymore. Sure the excitement and the passion re-emerge, but the energy has mellowed and you know better than to throw caution to the wind. Still, a budding romance can cause you to take those old blinders out of storage and try them on for size.

Most of us hope that we will never again have to enter the dating scene. But while we are living longer and enjoying better health to-boot, senior dating is fast becoming the new norm.

Here are some tips for re-entering the dating scene:

Online dating services. The internet has opened up a whole world of possibilities for the prospective dater. There are online dating services like Match.com and endless categories of chat rooms especially created for people in your geographical area and with your specific interests. I recommend finding a chat room with people who share your religious views, who have like-minded values and who are within your age category. This will narrow down the number of chat rooms to ones that are of the most interest to you.

Be prepared to spend at least a year getting to know a potential partner before making any type of long term commitment. Remember it isn't possible to truly know someone via a long-distance relationship (i.e. an internet relationship). You need to spend time doing things together, experiencing each other in every aspect of life (including the winter flu season), to determine if they are someone you could spend your senior years with.

The purpose of every first date is to decide whether or not you want a second one. With that in mind, plan a date that encourages conversation and helps you get to know each other.

Tailor your first date to include a common interest, hobby which helps establish an immediate connection around that which has meaning for both of you. Plan to meet somewhere public. This is particularly important if you have been conversing on the internet. Never give out your address to someone you haven't gotten to know in person. The world has changed and there are predators out there. Don't be too quick to trust.

A meal on your first date? Make it lunch and combine it with some fun activity so that you have more things to talk about while you eat. Dinner implies more intimacy and a movie reduces conversation.

Security in numbers: If the whole idea of dating makes you nervous, consider joining a group dating club or participate in a group activity. Church activities are a good way to get together in groups.

Be smart, be safe, and have an exit strategy. You are going out with someone you don’t know well, so stick to public places and tell someone you trust who you’re meeting and where you’ll be. If you start to feel uneasy about the person you’re with, leave.

For a list of great tips for senior dating click here.

The Death of a Child and its Impact on Marriage

2007-12-05T16:32:00.000-08:00

The death of a child due to illness, accident or any other reason can have an disabling impact on a couple’s marriage.

Sometimes the loss may bring a couple closer to one another. However for many couples, the stress and pain of their unfathomable loss causes bitterness and anger that can cause them to grow apart.

Men and women deal with loss differently. Women often have large support networks with whom they share their feelings and get support. Men often hide their emotions and attempt to deal with their feelings by focusing on work or caretaking their grieving family. It is important that both understand the other's way of dealing with grief, and it important that each of them allow themselves to completely work through the grief process.

Women may expect their husband to cry more or to show their feelings the way they do. Men may feel the need to be stoic or to hide their emotions to appear strong for their family. Neither tactic is helpful in such a painful situation.

One person may have the desire for more closeness or intimacy while the other needs more time alone. Both are normal, but the differing ways in which each needs to heal may interfere with either getting their needs met. It is important for each family member to communicate their needs and to resolve conflicts openly.

To insure that the relationship remain healthy and strong it is important that they consciously invest more time in each other. Strong happy family life requires much time and attention, but after the death of a child time can make the difference between making it through as a couple or not. This rule holds true for siblings of the deceased child. Too often the grieving couple forget that their other children are in just as much pain as they are. They too need extra time and opportunity to express themselves.

If you and your spouse are having difficulty in your relationship get references from a trusted source for a good couples counselor. Doing so can save your marriage and your family from the additional agony of divorce.

If you or a loved one is suffering the loss of a child and they appear to be stuck in their grief process, suggest grief counseling to them. Better yet, look up some of the grief counselors and grief groups in their area and do the footwork for them. Grief can be immobilizing, making it too difficult to do the work of finding the right group or counselor.

You can survive the loss of your child. You and your family can come out the other side in tact. Be loving and patient with yourself, and give yourself time to heal.

Creating Happy Family Gatherings

2007-11-19T00:18:00.000-08:00

The holiday season is here again and just like last year you are probably thinking about family gatherings and how you will survive until January. Here are some tips for getting through the holidays without having to make Xanax your daily supplement:

* Tactfully express your wishes and desires to others. If you don't want to spend the day watching football, say so; then figure out what you will do instead.

* Be tolerant and respectful. When you are with people you don't particularly like, remember to avoid them when necessary and to hold your tongue always. It won't kill you to treat them with respect for the few hours you are under the same roof.

* Offer your opinion only when asked for it. This especially applies to the older members of the family. We may believe we are being helpful, but when under stress - even pleasant stress - it is easy for others to take our helpful hints as an indirect insult. Keep the conversation light and upbeat.

* Ask for what you need. If you want the men to clean up after dinner make sure you let them know ahead of time. People don't like to feel ambushed, and a little pre-planning can go a long way to family harmony.

* Allow everyone 10-years-old and up to sit with the adults. My kids often remind me of how much they hated sitting at the kids table once they became the oldest ones there.

* Check all negativity at the door. Refrain from gossip, negative comments, punishing the kids for small infractions, or any other form of negativity. Is seems so simple, but making a conscious effort to remain positive and upbeat is the key to having a positive and upbeat experience.

Remember, this is a time to create happy family memories. It isn't the time to rehash unresolved differences or to open old wounds. It is just one meal, one day, don't ruin it by waking dead memories. You are an adult now, an individual, not the child you once were. If others around you didn't read this blog and begin to behave unpleasantly, quietly remove yourself from the room until everything calms down. you are in charge of your experience. Make it a great one.

Communication & the Family Pet

2007-11-08T01:41:00.001-08:00

You feed them, discipline them, love them, and sometimes you even sleep with them. No, I'm not talking about your kids or even your spouse; I'm talking about the family pet.

In the US the family pet often has near-equal status to other family members. Most of the time the couple finds acceptable ground rules for the pets' care and living arrangements. But occasionally the original pet parent has difficulty allowing the new adoptive parent to have a say in what those ground rules will be. And that can be the beginning of trouble in a relationship.

You have probably known of someone who flippantly states that if they had to choose between their pet and their partner that they would choose the pet. The pet parent may rationalize that they have had the pet for a long time and have thus become too bonded to allow their new love interest to come between them and their animal companion. They may worry that the pet is emotionally innocent and doesn't understand the owners' sudden shift in affections. This may be so, but if your date is willing to allow a pet to come between them and intimacy on a human level I advise you to get out now and move on to someone who shares your views of a pets' place in the home.

Now I am not saying that either position is right or wrong, I'm saying that a pet can be a very intimate member of a family, and like religious views and political orientation, having vastly differing views about a pets' place in the home can become a sore spot in even the strongest relationships.

So before jumping into an intimate human relationship, it would be wise to thoroughly discuss your views and expectations regarding the family pet.

In-Laws and Their Adult Children

2007-10-15T23:39:00.000-07:00

Being a mother-in-law can be one of the most rewarding relationships you can have. For some however, it can be problematic at best.

Several years ago a close friend of mine came to me to talk about the man who had just married her daughter. I knew that she hadn't liked the guy from the beginning and so I made a big mistake in the way I handled her questions. Instead of truly listening to her fears and concerns I attempted to help her find ways to accept him and to treat him with respect.

Three years later she came to me again and told me that her son-in-law was "addicted to porn" and had become abusive and controlling toward her daughter. She added "I knew that there was something about him that spelled trouble, and no one would believe me." I felt terrible.

The truth is that as an In-law, there is little you can do to protect your adult children from their bad marriage. In general, it is a good idea to stay out of their problems as much as possible. A mother will almost always side with her child and villianize the spouse regardless of who did what to whom. Instead of listening to countless hours of one-sided emotional pain, it is best to suggest that the young couple find a good marriage counselor instead of filling you in on the personal details of their marriage.

Unless the couple comes to you to ask for help regarding a specific problem it is best to refrain from offering advice unless asked. And even then, an In-law must keep firm boundaries and answer their questions from a place of wisdom and experience instead of from an emotional or protective soapbox.

Communication & Intimacy

2007-10-09T02:19:00.000-07:00

The first male client I ever had was a convicted stalker who was court ordered to 17 sessions of therapy. Upon meeting him and getting the small talk over with he looked at me and asked "Where do you live?" I realized that in his mind he was just attempting to continue the small talk, but I also realized that he was telling me much more about himself than he realized.

That is true for everyone. About 75% of our communication is nonverbal, 15% is the words we choose and the remaining 10% is subconscious intention. In intimate relationships we become very accustom to our partners nonverbal language. As we become more and more familiar we come to understand their subconscious intentions.

Although, when we argue, we often bring up what our partner had said in the past, we are generally more upset by their underlying intentions and subtle meaning. That is why arguing turns into fighting and in the end resolves nothing. It is our unexpressed intentions and subconscious cues that incite the greatest emotion from our partner.

"Lack of communication" is one of the most frequently stated problems that couples bring to therapy. But in fact each has communicated their truest feelings to the other nonverbally. By focusing on the words they are unable to acknowledge the deeper more problematic aspects of their relationship. Instead of working through a problem they keep rehashing the words over and over, sometimes for years.

When your partner talks, try to listen to what they are saying underneath the words. Then ask them about the feelings you believe they were expressing nonverbally. Put yourself into their emotions long enough to understand how they feel. And remember, feelings are not threats, they are human and should be validated even when you feel differently.

The "F" Word and Heterosexual Differences

2007-09-30T23:15:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time a couple came to me for some marriage counseling. On about the 3rd session the husband finally spoke up. I will never forget what he said. "My wife is constantly bringing up the "F" word and I can't take it anymore!" He took a deep breath and continued, "She is driving me crazy. It has gotten to the point that every time she says the "F" word I recoil, I become speechless and defensive. She just doesn't get it."

"The "F" word?" I parroted.

"Yea," he said, almost embarrassed, you know, feelings."

I held back a chuckle and gazed over at his wife who appeared to be expecting me to join her in an emotional rape of her husband. "Ah," I said as I stroked my invisible goatee, "I take it that she is expecting more out of you than you believe you have to offer."

I cannot count the times I have had to explain to couples the basic differences between the genders when it comes to expressing feelings. Of course there is always a continuum and some people regardless of their gender, are more emotive than others. But generally, men tend to be much less verbal with their feelings than are women.

When women attempt to coerce their man into talking about their feelings they are likely to find themselves fighting a loosing battle. First, their husband is likely to go blank, then get frustrated, and finally upset. At this point the quest for verbalized feelings becomes an angry exchange. I remember attempting to get my teenage son to express his feelings to me once and his response to me was "Hey, stop trying to womanize me." I backed off, and a few days later he shared his thoughts with me in his own manly way.

When men are feeling happy, loved and supported they tend to express their feelings by being in a good mood. They laugh more, interact with family and friends more or they may do tasks around the house just for the heck of it. When they are unhappy, stressed or feeling weak they often need to have a physical outlet like playing football with the guys, going to the gym or just working on the car. Through physical activity they are able to regroup, refresh and release their pent up emotions.

Understanding and supporting the way our partner prefers to handle their feelings is one of the best ways to end up living happily ever after.

Intimacy & Jealousy

2007-09-24T00:47:00.000-07:00

A young woman cornered me in the hall today while between classes. Although she looked very young it appeared that she had 3 small children under the age of 5. She began by telling me what a wonderful man her husband was and then added that even though she knows that he is faithful to her, at times she flips into the Green Eyed Monster if she sees him in the vicinity of a woman.

Intellectually she understands that he has done nothing wrong, but emotionally she feels terrified that he will eventually see another woman and then leave her. She wanted to know how she can learn how to trust people.

I realized that in the few seconds we had in the hallway there was no magic answer I could offer that would bring her the peace that she desired. What I did say was this - I told her that irrational jealousy (the kind that is not based on fact but on emotion alone) has nothing to do with trusting one's spouse. I told her that in fact this type of jealousy is rooted in her negative feelings about herself, and her belief that she wasn't good enough or pretty enough or wife enough for him - or any man. Deep down She had great difficulty loving herself and so it was very difficult for her to understand how anyone else could love her.

So she was creating a dialog in her mind that told her that one of these days he will discover just how worthless she is and then he will go off with a real woman. She doesn't trust herself enough to believe that she can be a good enough person for this man who is so loving, spiritual and wonderful - surely she didn't truly deserve him right?

Tears rose in her eyes and she looked at me clearly and said "So it is me isn't it? I'm the one who needs to work this out." "Yes" I said gently. And that doesn't mean that there is something defective in you. Most young women go through periods in their life when they feel insecure and jealous. But you are way ahead of them because you have the desire to figure out what's wrong so you can change it before it becomes a problem."

I told her that even I had tangled with the Green Eyed Monster as a young bride, and that I successfully overcame it, and so could she. She smiled and seemed to feel great relief. She had a new understanding and a goal to work toward, and most of all she was motivated by the love of her family and her desire to love herself; and to make this change a priority in her life.

Before one can change a problem, we first have to recognize that there is a problem. Once we realize there is a problem we need to have the courage to deal with it and replace it with something positive that will enrich our life.

Controling Behavior and Insecurity

2007-09-11T20:46:00.000-07:00

All successful intimate relationships are based on each partner being selfless and forgiving to a great degree. Many people come into couples therapy believing that their troubles are based on money or sexual discord. More often than not, these are just symptoms of a greater problem - that of selfishness and blame.

What most couples don't understand is that all their heated arguments are grounded in selfishness. And nearly all selfishness is based on fear. When we argue it is because we are selfishly attempting to get the other person to stop telling us how they feel and start listening to how we feel. That is selfish. In fact both need to stop insisting that they be heard and start listening to the other.

We fight because we are afraid of something. Perhaps we are afraid of not being heard, or maybe we fear not being taken seriously. The most common fear in marital discord is the fear of loosing control. We insist on pursuing our desire and inflicting our opinions because we fear loosing control of the situation. On some level we have told ourselves that if we can make everyone around us do things our way then we can feel secure and in control of our world.

Of course the truth is that we can never control others nor the world around us to any significant degree. We feel the intense need to control others because deep inside we feel unable to control our own inner world. So we focus on what is outside of us in an attempt to keep the raging insecurity we feel at bay.

When we feel secure in the belief that we are capable of dealing with whatever the world throws our way, then we no longer feel the need to control others or the world around us. It is only when we feel insecure about our ability to deal with life and its curve balls that we go overboard trying to keep our environment in perfect order.

Will Your Marriage Last? Beyond Love, Money & Sex

2007-08-22T00:48:00.000-07:00

Every new bride and groom fantasize that their marriage will be that one made in heaven, the one that lasts forever. In love, and blinded by the intense emotions and hormones that a young couple feels, it is easy to overlook the warning signs that their marriage may be doomed from the start.

Here are some proven, statistical truths that you can use as your guideline before jumping head-over-heals into marriage.

1. No doubt, getting married too young can be the downfall of a relationship later on. at 18 or 19 a humans brain hasn't finished developing yet. Consequently the way we feel, the type of person we are attracted to and the person we are will dramatically change by the time we are 25. Statistics show that the best odds for staying married applies to couples who are around age 28 when they say "I do." Love isn't enough - a long lasting relationship takes a great deal of maturity too.

2. First marriage in the United States have about a 40-50% chance of ending in divorce. If one or both partners have been married once before the likely hood of divorce goes up to about 67%. If their are any children involved the probability of a divorce goes up dramatically from there to between 70-75%. Each subsequent failed marriage a person has gone through increases the chance that a subsequent marriage will end in divorce.

3. The more basic-lifestyle similarities a couple share the better their chances are for marrying for life. Specifically, if they share the same spiritual and/or religious beliefs, have similar cultural, social and racial backgrounds, and they share basic values, their marriage has a better chance of surviving and remaining fulfilling throughout their life together.

I know it is hard to look love in the face and be honest about your relationships probable downfalls, but rationalizing away your choice to marry for the wrong reasons can lead to a devastating conclusion. Beware and Be aware.

Getting What you Focus On

2007-08-17T00:19:00.000-07:00

Why is it that we can so easily become so focused on our partner's faults that we let ourselves place our emotional energy on the negative instead of looking for and being grateful for the wonderful things about them that attracted us to begin with?

First we start to think about something that our partner does or doesn't do that annoys us, scares us or otherwise goes against our grain.

Then we begin to become resentful that they don't seem to be changing and becoming the person we wish them to be.

Finally we make attempts to control them, belittle them and/or complain about their supposed flaw.

The end result is that we train ourselves to focus on the negative instead of appreciating all the positives. And our partner begins to feel guilty, oppositional, and/or worthless.

Perhaps our man doesn't want to eat "girl food" and instead eats pizza and burgers. We may complain about it, ridicule him for it try to control his eating behaviors and in the end we become so worked up about food that we make the matter worse and our relationship begins to suffer.

Wouldn't it be better to stop trying to change our partner and instead focus our energy on loving them? Focusing on all the wonderful things s/he does to enrich our life, to bring happiness to our home and to make us smile would be a much better way to relate to them. And in the end, regardless of how much pizza he eats. both of you will be happier. Your children will grow up in a loving home and by seeing your example, they will learn how to pick their battles.

Of course all of us falter from time to time, and that doesn't mean your marriage is in trouble. If your moments of dissatisfaction are infrequent just acknowledging that you made a mistake and apologizing will go a very log way. Catching yourself and repairing the damage will help you to refrain from saying something negative the next time he does something you don't like.

There are no perfect people out there, and even if their were, they would have habits and quirks that occasionally annoyed us. So make a list of all the reasons you love your partner. Then think about how lucky you are to have that person in your life.

Celebrity Marriages - Not role Models

2007-06-09T02:02:00.000-07:00

What is it with celebrity marriages that lead most of them to a quick devorce? Read the stats below and send me your opinion about Hollywood marriages.

Shortest Celebrity Marriages
Britney Spears and Jason Allen Alexander. Lasted for 55 hours.

Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra. Lasted for 9 days in November 1998.

Mario Lopez married Ali Landry on 24 April 2004; two weeks later she had the marriage annulled.

Drew Barrymore and Jeremy Thomas, from 20 March to 28 April 1994.

Rick Rockwell and Darva Conger, married on the television program Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire February 15, 2000. Annulled April 5, 2000.

Colin Farrell and Amelia Warner, from July to November 2001.

Chad Michael Murray and Sophia Bush, married 16 April 2005, announced their separation 26 September 2005. Bush sought an annulment (citing “fraud”) in February 2006.

Jennifer Lopez and Cris Judd. Lasted 6 months.

Shannon Doherty and Ashley Hamilton. Lasted 6 months.

Axl Rose and Erin Everly, married April of 1990. Rose filed for divorce one month later, but the two made up; the marriage was annulled in January 1991.

Jennifer Lopez and Ojani Noa married on 22 February 1997, lasted 11 months

Drew Barrymore and Tom Green, married 7 July 2001, Green filled for divorce on 17 December 2001, became official 15 October 2002.

Liza Minnelli and David Gest, married from March 16, 2002 to July 25, 2003

Information provided by Wikipedia

In Sickness and in Health

2007-05-01T01:35:00.000-07:00

One of the most loving couples I ever knew was well-to-do man and his wife of many years. I never tired of seeing them together – how he doted over her, caressed her hair and gently putting his arm around her as they sat together. They were in their late 30’s, and she was paralyzed from the neck down.

Every Sunday he would dress her in a lovely outfit, fix her hair just so, and position her in her wheel chair with her hands folded on her lap and her legs together, leaning to one side in a casual yet feminine way. She always looked as though she was ready for a photo shoot – pristine, lovely.

Speech was difficult for her so after church he helped her chat with her friends by interpreting for her. He was selfless, dedicated and wonderful. I remember one Sunday he was asked to speak in church. As he stood at the pulpit I realized that it was the only time I’d seen him without her by his side. But he looked at her lovingly as he spoke and they still seemed so connected.

He spoke about their life together before the car accident, their children and how wonderful their years together had been. But what struck me most was when he spoke about the vows he had made with her on their wedding day all those years before. His eyes filled with tears as he expressed his eternal love for her, and he shared his commitment to keep those vows. It wasn’t difficult, he said, it was an opportunity to show her every day how much he loved her.

To love honor and cherish, in sickness and in health… True intimacy isn’t about getting your needs met, agreeing to disagree or communication. It is about creating an enduring love that binds your souls together forever. It is about making and taking your vows seriously, and committing to keep them…forever.

Abusive Boyfriends - Virginia Tech Massacre

2007-04-17T00:14:00.000-07:00

This morning the biggest massacre in US history took place at Virginia Tech. 32 innocent people were gunned down by a gunman who then killed himself. Because the latest information is indicating that the gunman may have been a scorned boyfriend, I am using this blog to once again, list the 20 warning signs of an abusive boyfriend. My thoughts and prayers are with those who are suffering tonight.

20 Warning signs of an abusive boyfriend

1. He likes to play rough or wrestle with you
2. He tries to tell you what you should/should not wear
3. He tells you who you can/cannot be friends with - controlling
4. He checks up on you often to see where you are or what you are doing or expects you to check in with him frequently - isolates you from friends & family
5. He is aggressive in other areas of his life or with other people
6. He has explosive outbursts or a "Jeckel/Hyde" personality
7. He thinks pushing (even in "fun") is not abuse
8. You feel that you cannot do any better than him
9. He does not take responsibility for his own words or actions - blames you for his bad behavior
10. Has great difficulty expressing a wide range of emotions other than anger
11. Has little or no empathy for others
12. He minimizes and rationalizes his abusive actions and words - "it wasn't that bad," or "she deserved it."
13. He tries to monopolize your life (expecting you to spend all your time with him)
14. Says, "I love you" very early on in the relationship (within a few weeks)
15. Confuses jealousy/possessiveness with love
16. Often has an abusive home-life
17. May do drugs/alcohol
18. May have guns or a weapon collection
19. He calls you sexist or derogatory names, as if they were terms of endearment
20. Threatens to hurt himself or you if he doesn't get his way or if you talk about leaving him.

To The Rescue - Defending your Mate

2007-04-10T23:09:00.000-07:00

Scene in a restaurant:

A mother scolds her six-year-old son for hitting his his brother. The boy turns to his mother and yells "That's stupid!" The father instantly turns to the six-year-old, looks the boy in the eyes and says, "You are disrespecting the woman I love. I don't ever want to hear you yell at her again."

It is no coincidence that as the level of respect for adult authority drops in our society, the levels of elder abuse and domestic crimes go up. Likewise, the stronger and more unified the parental unit is, the happier children are in the home environment. These are not unsubstantiated statements, they are fact.

One of the best ways to state the power of your love for your spouse is to come to their defense when you hear someone speaking disrespectfully to them or attempting to take liberties with them. It is in fact your duty to protect your spouse, physically, spiritually and emotionally from any form of attack. This doesn't infer that you believe that they are not capable of protecting themselves, it is instead, setting boundaries for your children and the world that implies that you will not tolerate abuse of any kind toward your loved ones.

Your children, and even your friends and extended family will learn that you expect them to conduct themselves respectfully toward your loved ones. Consequently, your children will begin to learn empathy for others as well as the value of a loving relationship. And everyone else will learn that they cannot come between you and your spouse.

Be an example of love and respect to the ones who mean the most to you.

Saying "I Do Not" May Save Your Life

2007-04-03T00:08:00.000-07:00

If you have tuned into any of those detective shows or the real crime dramas lately, you may have notice that after murdering their spouse, the killer makes a statement like this: "The minute I said 'I do' I knew I was making a big mistake."

I have known several people who, during a divorce claimed that they had serious doubts about marrying their partner, but they felt that it was too late to back out - too much hassle to send back presents or to have to talk to the guests and explain yourself while hearing un-asked for opinions that have little to do with your situation.

I have a cousin who had arranged a huge, very costly wedding in a temple that was so popular that she had to jump through hoops to get everything else planned around it. She had friends and family literally from all over the world flying in for the big event. But for weeks she had secretly been having doubts. She didn't even tell her mother or her best friend because she felt so afraid of the ridicule that would come her way if she backed out at this point.

So on her wedding day, kneeling across the alter from her fiancee, she began to cry. These weren't tear's of happiness, they were tears of panic, and a sure knowledge that this was going to become a very bad union.

When it came time for the "I Do" she tearfully said "I can't" She stood and apologized to everyone in the room and told them that she had the strongest feeling that she was marrying the wrong man. It all caused quite a stir, but it wasn't long before the ripples settled down and she was able to see that she had made the right choice.

Her fiancee went on to marry another beautiful young woman, and it wasn't long before she was being physically abused. Within 7 years she was dead, he was in jail and the young children were in shelters.

You have gut feeling for a reason, You need to become aware of them and listen to them. No amount of embarrassment is greater than the death of a young mother or the pain children feel when they are raised in an unhappy home.