Intimate Relationships

Spousal Relationships are Special

2011-07-18T04:21:00.000-07:00

One of the most common mistakes couples make is forgetting that being a spouse comes with certain responsibilities, responsibilities that are not requisite in any other relationship. Spouses have a responsibility to revere each other above all others, to support each other and to accept imperfections. That doesn't mean that you are obligated to live with abusive or destructive behaviors but it does mean that you stop expecting more from your spouse than you do from yourself.

Your spouse is your most intimate relationship and all too often we take that closeness for granted. Instead of treating each other with respect and loving sensitivity, we often become critical and demanding. We can become so intent on trying to control or change our spouse that we neglect to look at how our own negativity and bossiness is the cancer eating away at a once happy marriage.

Those things that once attracted you to each other can become the focus of contention in a relationship where selfishness and a need for control are present. Perhaps you once admired his relaxed, non-judgmental nature but now you call him lazy and become irritated with his laid back life-style. Unconditional love cannot exist in a relationship where one or both partners are critical of the other.

Begin today to become your spouse's advocate instead of his/her critical parent. If you have differences, air them in private, never in public and never in front of your children. Voice your thoughts by using "I statements" instead of demeaning or criticizing each other. Remember, every word you speak and every action you make should be to benefit the relationship, not to gain control or dominance over one another.

Healing Difficult Relationships at Family Gatherings

2010-11-19T15:49:00.000-08:00

"I expect to pass through this world but once; any good thing therefore that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now, let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again." -- John Wesely

Fences rest on borders, and are the responsibility of both parties. Mending a problematic relationship is much like mending a fence. Waiting for the other person to take responsibility for their share of the mending is to place yourself in the role of the victim and to deny yourself the joy that comes with taking the first step to heal a broken relationship. No bruised ego or hurt feeling is worth the pain of realizing that you have waited too long to mend your fence; and yes, it is your fence too.

Strained family relationships are easy to forget about the rest of the year but during the holidays they have a way of getting right in your face. Too often instead of doing what we can to improve or mend those relationships we put our energy into either avoidance or defensive behaviors; neither of which turns a negative situation into a positive one.

This holiday season make a commitment to do your part to mend a fence with a friend or family member. Take the high road and become the leader instead of a victim. Here are a few suggestions to get you started.

• Recognize and acknowledge your part of the broken fence. How did you contribute to the negative outcome that you are experiencing now? When reconciling it is important to remember that both parties feel slighted and both feel relatively blameless. When you approach the other person approach with the attitude of acknowledging your role in the issue. Pointing out their role will only fuel the fire. No one likes another to point out their shortcomings.

• Apologize. This isn’t the time to rehash old feelings. It is the time to put old feelings and slights behind you and to do what it takes to make a fresh, positive start. Apologize for your part in the issue and apologize for not coming forward sooner to make amends. It doesn’t matter who started it. It matters how you end it.

• Listen. Remember that the other person didn’t come to the party with reconciliation in mind. They haven’t prepared ahead of time so they may begin to bring up the original issue. They may feel the need to express how hurt they have been over the issue or the estrangement. Just listen. Let them vent and realize that their feelings aren’t a reflection on you, they are just feelings. Be compassionate, forgiving and most of all, be patient. Then acknowledge their feelings by letting them know how sorry you are that everything happened the way it did. Don’t attempt to correct or change their feelings or memory of the original event.

• Share your feelings of love and forgiveness. Instead of rehashing old wounds, share your positive feelings about the relationship and the other person. Let them know how much you want to start fresh and to create a happier relationship. Remember that positive words promote positive outcomes and negative words will keep you stuck in the pain. Repairing old fences requires fresh timber. The old, broken timber is burned and forgotten.

• Be patient. Rome was burned in a day but it wasn’t rebuilt in a day. Hug and be pleasant during the family gathering but allow time to take its course and mend the relationship fully. Continue to do your part by staying in contact the rest of the year.

Don't let pride keep you from letting go of your self-righteous anger. Mend those fences today, because today will never pass by this way again.

2010-03-11T01:52:00.000-08:00

My lack of blogging lately has been due largely to the immense amount of change that has taken place in my life this last year. So I have been reflecting on how change can effect a relationship.

Change is inevitable. It is happening all the time, and it always has an effect of us personally and on our relationships. Stress is a natural side effect of change some positive and some, not so much, and even positive change can create negative stress.

For instance, we recently moved closer to family, including our grandchildren; the result - positive change. But moving to a different state, climate and culture has required changes in our life that have been difficult to acclimate to. Consequently our stress levels have been a force to deal with at times, and we have both had to be mindful of each others need for loving support and kindness.

Too often when under stress people have moments of selfishness, thinking only of their needs and forgetting that their partner has needs as well. Our stress can seem so overwhelming that we become self absorbed, neglecting our duty to show compassion toward others.

Even the happiest of couples can be torn apart when we begin expecting more of our partner than we are giving in return. During periods of stress try replacing your requests for help with acts of kindness. You may be surprised at how doing so not only relieves your own stress but strengthens your relationship as well. Once you are on the other side of your difficulty you will look back and realized that your relationship grew stronger and that you weathered the storm together.

2009-11-19T19:31:00.000-08:00

The holidays are here again and as usual our extended family can become both a source happiness and anxiety. Religious differences, problematic relationships and divorce can create difficulties when it comes to planning family gatherings. Sometimes our most important relationships – our spouse and children – are adversely affected by our desire to please everyone but them.

Here is a good rule of thumb to follow when making decisions this holiday season.

1. Don’t pressure your spouse to make changes to suit your family of origin (grandparents, siblings etc.). Allowing discord between you and your spouse because you want to be the “good child” in your parent’s eyes sends a message to your immediate family that you are less concerned about their feelings than you are about your parent's feelings. Put your own family first and make plans that will ultimately keep peace in your own home.

2. This is your holiday too. Now is the time to be creating your own family traditions. What do you want your children to remember – excitedly anticipating the traditions you have created for them, or watching you sweat as they are dragged to stressful family gatherings? Holiday dinners with extended family can strengthen bonds with loved ones when happiness and positivity are the order of the day. However if history has shown that your family gatherings are stressful, contentious or abusive staying away may be the best way for you to show your love to your spouse and children. Create family happiness by inviting friends to join you and your family, go away for the holiday or plan activities that your children and spouse enjoy.

3. Respect your extended family's plans for celebrating the holiday somewhere else. As parents and grandparents get older they often find celebrating with family a tiring adventure. If they choose not to celebrate with you honor their decision by maintaining your own plans for the day. Let them know they will be missed and that you will get together with them soon. It is important for your mental health that you acknowledge and graciously accept their decision to spend the holiday with others. It isn’t personal. It is just their choice.

With people living longer healthier lives we might find ourselves dealing with several generations of family traditions. Just remember that you only get one go around in this life and your immediate family deserves your full and undivided attention. Your parents had their go around. Now it’s your turn.

2009-06-23T14:53:00.001-07:00

What's the reason marriages fail? It isn't money problems, sexual issues, or incompatibility, marriages fail because of selfishness. Plain and simple - but not so simple to remedy.

Selfishness in small doses is a normal human glitch, and when selfishness is recognized and followed up with hugs and selflessness the damage is minimal. But when selfishness becomes commonplace, when it becomes a personality trait or when it is not replaced with selflessness the relationship begins to take on damage.

Every argument, every dissatisfied moment is a side effect of selfishness. Selfishness is recognized in those moments when you say to yourself, "I just want...," "He needs to...," and any time you blame another for your lack of fulfillment.

"But don't I deserve to have what I want?" people ask me. Sure you do, but that is irrelevant in creating a happy marriage. Marriage needs nurturing, and that requires filling the emotional needs of your partner. Of course you can't fill all of your partners needs - it takes a village - so to speak, but you have made a commitment to do what you can, every day, to make your partner happy to be with you. When your partner feels valued and loved you will discover that your needs will be met as well.

The next time you find yourself murmuring, feeling dissatisfied with your life or your partner, turn that selfish thought into an opportunity to make your partner happy. Stop punishing him with your backhanded jabs or your needy expectations and turn your attention to discovering what you can do to make your relationship better.

When You Disagree about Politics

2008-10-29T00:18:00.000-07:00

Religion and politics are topics that can create hostility and even feelings of hopelessness. In intimate relationships it is not uncommon for a couple to decide not to vote because of their differing views and opinions. More than once I hear my mother say that she wasn't going to vote because her vote would only cancel out my father's vote. She was a democrat and he a republican.

Now as an avidly voting adult I can see the irrational excuse she used to keep from voting. If everyone used that rationale the election results would have to be decided ahead of time and then only those voting for the winning team, and only the number of voters who made the difference between winning and loosing, would be allowed to vote.

The truth is that EVERY VOTE COUNTS! Of course there will be someone somewhere who will vote opposite you, but that in no way nullifies your vote. Statisticians have for decades have understood that if every citizen actually voted our American history, and certainly our future might be very different.

So next week, ditch all of the rationalizations and take the opportunity, given only to those living in a free society, and express yourself, regardless of how your partner is voting. If keeping silent about your opinion will keep the peace at home, take about something you both can agree on, like making love or going for a drive in the country.

Necessary Differences Between Moms & Dads

2008-03-01T22:59:00.000-08:00

Well once again I have just returned from Las Vegas - where I spend time with my family and little granddaughters. There are few intimate relationships in life more rewarding than that between a grandmother and her granddaughter. Mine are aged 20 months and 12 days old. Of course they are the smartest and the most beautiful little girls I've ever seen. And best of all, they have the finest parents God could have offered them.

My daughter-in-law is terrific. She is constantly thinking of ways to perfect her parenting skills and to keep her marriage intimate and fulfilling at the same time. And now with two little babies to care for, it can seem like a daunting task. She was blessed with the personality and the determination to do it. But many young mothers were not so blessed.

Parenting can quickly become another issue who's roots are deeply intertwined in the differences between male and female behaviors. Like it or not, men and women are different creatures and they behave toward their children in differing ways. Most mothers have a strong sense of protection with their children. This is an instinctual response that in previous eras was necessary to keep children from being being eaten by predators, falling off cliffs or eating a poisonous mushroom.

Mothers are generally the caretakers and the nurturers of the family. They fix boo-boos with kisses and they read one extra book at bedtime to make their little ones happy. Moms are often the disciplinarian during the day while dad is at work.

Dads on the other hand have a strong sense of providing for his family financially as well as providing discipline to the kids. He takes discipline seriously and can be impatient with mom's softer ways of dealing with broken rules. He is likely to take quick action, and in a matter of fact way, stop the behavior, explain why that behavior is not tolerated and provide the consequence for misbehavior all in less than a minute. Moms often see this as angry intolerance or being "mean." In fact, it never has to be either angry or mean. It is just the man's general way of dealing with life that he applies to his family.

I like to think of it in terms of grocery shopping. For many women, going to the grocery store is an exercise in finding the very best foods for the very best price. She reads labels, puts menus together in her mind and thinks about the likes and dislikes of each family member. She wants them to enjoy their meals but she also wants the food to be healthy and financially feasible.

Men on the other hand create either a mental or physical grocery list prior to going to the store. Once there they rush in the door, mechanically locate each item on their list and quickly hit the checkout counter. They get the job done in a matter of fact way without all of the peripheral emotional side trips. The job still gets done, just in a different way.

The same is true for a father's parenting technique. He can lovingly but swiftly take care of the problem at hand and get the results he desires - the child learns that daddy means what he says, that he will always enforce the rules and implement the consequences and that he does it with great love and a desire for the child to become a self-motivated rule keeper.

Neither the mother's nor the father's approach is better than the other. In fact it is, once again, another reason children need both a mom and a dad. They need the strong disciplinary hand and they also need the tenderness and comfort a mother can bring to the situation.

So the next time you see your spouse dealing with the children differently than you might have, step back and appreciate how lucky your children are to be able to experience both techniques. Be grateful that they are learning by your examples that it is OK for men and women to be different. Help them understand that there is always more than one way to accomplish a goal.

Can People Fall Out of Love?

2008-02-22T02:28:00.000-08:00

Can people just fall out of love?

No. Love is an intense emotion that is strengthened over time. It is not something that is there one day and gone the next. Love is not the same as physical attraction and it is not the same as neediness. Love is a feeling of unconditional acceptance of and appreciation for another's talents, personality, thoughts and beliefs.

One of the main causes for the breakdown in marriages is that people don't spend enough time together. They take their marriages and their spouses for granted. The breakdown happens slowly, almost invisibly as each person begins to rearrange their priorities, taking more and more time away from each other. They allow work, the kids, soccer games, community activities, extended family obligations, and hobbies to becomes more important than spending time together. When this happens, people grow apart. They become two strangers passing in the night. They're no longer a team. And, because they're distant, the little time they do spend together is unfulfilling and void of intimacy.

This distance and alienation sometimes fools people into thinking they've fallen out of love. They feel numb. They can't imagine ever re-igniting those loving feelings. But the truth is, the love hasn't been destroyed, it's just camouflaged beneath the numbness. By acknowledging the mistakes and re-doing the family priorities to include more quality time together, the feelings of warmth, connection, friendship and intimacy can be restored.

Divorce is the lazy way to deal with a marriage that has become unfulfilling. Divorce in most cases is simply a way to escape looking at how each has contaminated the relationship and let it spin out of control. But the truth is that most marriages can not only be saved, they can be transformed into a welcome and nurturing part of life. It just requires a commitment to each other and to spending more time together.
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The Secret to a Life-long Marriage

2008-02-12T19:22:00.000-08:00

Want to know the secret to a good marriage - the miracle of a life-long relationship? OK, let me tell you. Brace yourself, take notes if you must...

The secret to a life-long, happy marriage is you. That's right, you have the power to make your relationship eternally happy, and learning to utilize that power is easy. Here's what you do. Every time you get frustrated, board or unhappy in your relationship choose to do something about it, something positive. Ask yourself what you can do to make your spouse a little happier, a little less bored or a little less frustrated.

If you are having negative thoughts or feelings about your marriage you can bet that your spouse is too. And the best way to turn your negative thoughts and feelings into positive ones is to do something positive for your spouse. Your act of kindness will light a spark that will result in wonderful happy moments with each other.

When you said "I do" you were making a covenant to love, honor and cherish your spouse. Notice that there is nothing in the marriage ceremony about how you will make sure your desires are met. You covenanted to make your partner happy and to make your marriage happy. As with most things in life, your marriage is not all about you. But it is up to you to make yourself happy by making your partner feel cherished, loved and appreciated.

Have you noticed how people will automatically smile at you if they see you smiling at them? It is the same in intimate relationships. When you smile and lovingly pamper your spouse, your efforts will be reciprocated in kind. Do this every day of your life and you will be guaranteed a lifetime of marital fulfillment.

It sounds so simple, and in a way it is. The hard part is making the commitment to change the way you think, and to acknowledge that you have the ability to turn your marriage around. Try it. After all, what do you have to loose? Choosing to remain miserable, believing that your spouse should be the hero, may result in the loss of your family?

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Infidelity - Who's to Blame?

2008-02-04T15:46:00.000-08:00

The divorce rate in the US is now up to 57% and in about 2/3's of those divorces infidelity is a factor. What causes a spouse to look outside of marriage for emotional or sexual fulfillment? Who is to blame? And how can you stop yourself from cheating?

The causes of infidelity are many. But just as with domestic violence, the victim is never to blame. Whether the cheating is with another person, with pornographic sources or another venue, infidelity is always a choice. One spouse, for various reasons and rationalizations, makes a choice to find sexual pleasure outside of the marriage. Almost always it is a result of the players selfishness and insensitivity toward the remaining spouse.

It never ceases to amaze me at how the offending spouse can create countless reasons for blaming the non-offending spouse. And it also amazes me how often the non-offending spouse takes on the blame. I don't care how "cold" the spouse was, or how much weight they have gained, there is NO excuse for turning outside the marriage to satisfy emotional or physical needs.

How often I have heard an offending spouse say "It just happened." Sex doesn't just happen. It follows a series of steps, each one of which depended upon the participant making the choice to continue down that road.

If you wish to stay true to your marriage it is important that you first make a commitment to yourself and to your spouse to never do anything that might put you at risk. Have a moral code, a set of rules that will keep you from becoming emotionally engaged with a potential temptation.

1. Never allow yourself to be alone in the same room or home with a member of the opposite sex. If you have business to do with someone, stand on the porch, but don't go in. You will keep yourself safe from gossip and from the temptation to engage in a non-business dialog.

2. If you work in an office setting make the decision in advance to never work late with your secretary or anyone of the opposite sex. Our defenses become weak as night falls and we become more relaxed.

3. Are you sometimes asked to attend an after work get-together? Unless your spouse is meeting you there, kindly refuse. Office popularity is not as important as your marriage.

4. Make your love for your spouse and family common knowledge. Refuse to say anything negative about your spouse or your relationship even if you are having difficulties. If you need to talk about your troubles find an excellent family therapist and go with your spouse for help. If your spouse won't go, go by yourself.

5. Take a look at yourself and ask yourself what you can do to make your marriage better. What can you do today to make your spouse know how special they are to you and how much you appreciate them. Put all the passion, time and energy one might put into an affair into your marriage instead. I guarantee it will make a difference.

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Restraining Orders and Self Protection

2008-01-24T03:34:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately some intimate relationships end badly. The couple separates and a restraining order is filed.

A restraining order is a legal order of protection for someone who has been or who feels victimized by another person. Most restraining orders specify how far the person in question has to stay away from the person who filed. It also lists other legal boundaries that need to be enforced such as no phone calls, emails, or any other direct or indirect communication with the victim.

The biggest problems that I see with most couples who have a restraining order in place is 1. the victim breaches the order by initiating or allowing contact with the perpetrator 2. the victim doesn't report all of the perpetrators attempts at contact 3. family members don't take the restraining order seriously and allow themselves to be used as go-betweens.

Restraining orders are not awarded haphazardly and they need to be respected and honored by everyone involved. If the victim chooses to disregard the restraining order in any way it automatically becomes null and void, rendering it useless. Law officers cannot take action if the order has been violated by the victim.

Family members will always take sides in a family dispute, but it is important for them to refuse to breach a restraining order. they should never pass on messages for the perpetrator regardless of how innocent they believe him/her to be. Doing so can put their loved one in legal or physical jeopardy.

The person who filed the restraining order should keep an accurate and detailed list of all attempts at contact the perpetrator makes. List dates, times and the action taken. Then call and report the attempted contact to the police. Neglecting to report attempted breaches will only cause the perpetrator to believe that you have no desire to enforce the order. And that can lead to devastating results.

Overcome the Stress of Moving

2008-01-10T00:49:00.000-08:00

With the housing market in the US causing people to relocate at an alarming rate I thought it appropriate to blog about the stress of moving on marriage and other intimate relationships.

The stress caused by relocating is 2nd only to the death of a loved one. And like dealing with a death, it takes about 2 years before a family fully recuperates and begins to feel at home in their new location. This is true even when you have only moved a few blocks, but the stress a family experiences can be exacerbated by factors such as financial difficulties, starting a new job, children starting in new schools, and leaving friends and family behind.

Even the most loving and committed couple can suffer periods of anxiety and marital discord during and after a move. For couples who are already dealing with threats to their relationship, moving may become the relationships final blow.

If relocating is in your future here are some ways to get through it without damaging your family happiness.

1. Stay well within your budget when choosing a place to rent or purchase. Few things create discord more intensely than getting into a home that is putting a strain on your wallet. It is much wiser to choose fewer bells and whistles and maintain family harmony.

2. Hire professional movers. Call the chamber of commerce and Better Business Bureau to find out if the moving company you are considering has any complaints against it and how the company responded to the complaints.

3. Helping to alleviate your child's stress will also alleviate yours. Take your child with you when choosing a new home. Show them the school they will attend as well as the parks, church building and library they will be living near.

4. Be kind to each other. Share your happiness as well as your concerns with each other. Include your partner in all of the decisions that have to be made regarding the move.

5. After moving in have a getting to know you party for your family. Invite neighbors and church members and school mates. Get involved in the community as quickly as possible in order to make friends and increase your support network.

6. Spend time together getting to know the new area. Take turns driving to major shopping areas and other local business. Take walks in the neighborhood together and locate museums, historical landmarks and picnic areas where you can spend time together.

7. Listen to each other. After a few months, if your partner begins to complain of loneliness or depression be sensitive. Make plans to visit old friends and family during the next holiday or long weekend. Do what you can to spend more time together.

Moving is stressful enough with packing, choosing a new home, and working to fit in to a new community. But by following a few easy steps you can reduce that stress to manageable levels.

Mending Fences with Family & Friends

2007-12-25T22:08:00.000-08:00

"I expect to pass through this world but once; any good thing therefore that I can do or any kindness that I can show t any fellow creature, let me do it now, let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again." -- John Wesely

Every day with our loved ones is precious. Every moment we have to share our love for them is cherished, and every opportunity we have to forgive is priceless.

No bruised ego, no hurt feeling is worth the pain of realizing that you have waited too long to mend your fences. And yes, it is your fence too. Fences rest on borders, and are the responsibility of both parties. Waiting for the other to take responsibility for their share is to place yourself into the role of a victim, and to deny yourself the joy that comes with taking the first brave step to heal old wounds.

Don't let pride keep you from letting go of your self-righteous anger. Mend those fences today, because today will never pass by this way again.

The Do's & Dont's of Middle Aged Dating

2007-12-16T05:01:00.000-08:00

Dating after 40 can be a swift reminder that you aren't an adolescent anymore. Sure the excitement and the passion re-emerge, but the energy has mellowed and you know better than to throw caution to the wind. Still, a budding romance can cause you to take those old blinders out of storage and try them on for size.

Most of us hope that we will never again have to enter the dating scene. But while we are living longer and enjoying better health to-boot, senior dating is fast becoming the new norm.

Here are some tips for re-entering the dating scene:

Online dating services. The internet has opened up a whole world of possibilities for the prospective dater. There are online dating services like Match.com and endless categories of chat rooms especially created for people in your geographical area and with your specific interests. I recommend finding a chat room with people who share your religious views, who have like-minded values and who are within your age category. This will narrow down the number of chat rooms to ones that are of the most interest to you.

Be prepared to spend at least a year getting to know a potential partner before making any type of long term commitment. Remember it isn't possible to truly know someone via a long-distance relationship (i.e. an internet relationship). You need to spend time doing things together, experiencing each other in every aspect of life (including the winter flu season), to determine if they are someone you could spend your senior years with.

The purpose of every first date is to decide whether or not you want a second one. With that in mind, plan a date that encourages conversation and helps you get to know each other.

Tailor your first date to include a common interest, hobby which helps establish an immediate connection around that which has meaning for both of you. Plan to meet somewhere public. This is particularly important if you have been conversing on the internet. Never give out your address to someone you haven't gotten to know in person. The world has changed and there are predators out there. Don't be too quick to trust.

A meal on your first date? Make it lunch and combine it with some fun activity so that you have more things to talk about while you eat. Dinner implies more intimacy and a movie reduces conversation.

Security in numbers: If the whole idea of dating makes you nervous, consider joining a group dating club or participate in a group activity. Church activities are a good way to get together in groups.

Be smart, be safe, and have an exit strategy. You are going out with someone you don’t know well, so stick to public places and tell someone you trust who you’re meeting and where you’ll be. If you start to feel uneasy about the person you’re with, leave.

For a list of great tips for senior dating click here.

The Death of a Child and its Impact on Marriage

2007-12-05T16:32:00.000-08:00

The death of a child due to illness, accident or any other reason can have an disabling impact on a couple’s marriage.

Sometimes the loss may bring a couple closer to one another. However for many couples, the stress and pain of their unfathomable loss causes bitterness and anger that can cause them to grow apart.

Men and women deal with loss differently. Women often have large support networks with whom they share their feelings and get support. Men often hide their emotions and attempt to deal with their feelings by focusing on work or caretaking their grieving family. It is important that both understand the other's way of dealing with grief, and it important that each of them allow themselves to completely work through the grief process.

Women may expect their husband to cry more or to show their feelings the way they do. Men may feel the need to be stoic or to hide their emotions to appear strong for their family. Neither tactic is helpful in such a painful situation.

One person may have the desire for more closeness or intimacy while the other needs more time alone. Both are normal, but the differing ways in which each needs to heal may interfere with either getting their needs met. It is important for each family member to communicate their needs and to resolve conflicts openly.

To insure that the relationship remain healthy and strong it is important that they consciously invest more time in each other. Strong happy family life requires much time and attention, but after the death of a child time can make the difference between making it through as a couple or not. This rule holds true for siblings of the deceased child. Too often the grieving couple forget that their other children are in just as much pain as they are. They too need extra time and opportunity to express themselves.

If you and your spouse are having difficulty in your relationship get references from a trusted source for a good couples counselor. Doing so can save your marriage and your family from the additional agony of divorce.

If you or a loved one is suffering the loss of a child and they appear to be stuck in their grief process, suggest grief counseling to them. Better yet, look up some of the grief counselors and grief groups in their area and do the footwork for them. Grief can be immobilizing, making it too difficult to do the work of finding the right group or counselor.

You can survive the loss of your child. You and your family can come out the other side in tact. Be loving and patient with yourself, and give yourself time to heal.

Creating Happy Family Gatherings

2007-11-19T00:18:00.000-08:00

The holiday season is here again and just like last year you are probably thinking about family gatherings and how you will survive until January. Here are some tips for getting through the holidays without having to make Xanax your daily supplement:

* Tactfully express your wishes and desires to others. If you don't want to spend the day watching football, say so; then figure out what you will do instead.

* Be tolerant and respectful. When you are with people you don't particularly like, remember to avoid them when necessary and to hold your tongue always. It won't kill you to treat them with respect for the few hours you are under the same roof.

* Offer your opinion only when asked for it. This especially applies to the older members of the family. We may believe we are being helpful, but when under stress - even pleasant stress - it is easy for others to take our helpful hints as an indirect insult. Keep the conversation light and upbeat.

* Ask for what you need. If you want the men to clean up after dinner make sure you let them know ahead of time. People don't like to feel ambushed, and a little pre-planning can go a long way to family harmony.

* Allow everyone 10-years-old and up to sit with the adults. My kids often remind me of how much they hated sitting at the kids table once they became the oldest ones there.

* Check all negativity at the door. Refrain from gossip, negative comments, punishing the kids for small infractions, or any other form of negativity. Is seems so simple, but making a conscious effort to remain positive and upbeat is the key to having a positive and upbeat experience.

Remember, this is a time to create happy family memories. It isn't the time to rehash unresolved differences or to open old wounds. It is just one meal, one day, don't ruin it by waking dead memories. You are an adult now, an individual, not the child you once were. If others around you didn't read this blog and begin to behave unpleasantly, quietly remove yourself from the room until everything calms down. you are in charge of your experience. Make it a great one.

Communication & the Family Pet

2007-11-08T01:41:00.001-08:00

You feed them, discipline them, love them, and sometimes you even sleep with them. No, I'm not talking about your kids or even your spouse; I'm talking about the family pet.

In the US the family pet often has near-equal status to other family members. Most of the time the couple finds acceptable ground rules for the pets' care and living arrangements. But occasionally the original pet parent has difficulty allowing the new adoptive parent to have a say in what those ground rules will be. And that can be the beginning of trouble in a relationship.

You have probably known of someone who flippantly states that if they had to choose between their pet and their partner that they would choose the pet. The pet parent may rationalize that they have had the pet for a long time and have thus become too bonded to allow their new love interest to come between them and their animal companion. They may worry that the pet is emotionally innocent and doesn't understand the owners' sudden shift in affections. This may be so, but if your date is willing to allow a pet to come between them and intimacy on a human level I advise you to get out now and move on to someone who shares your views of a pets' place in the home.

Now I am not saying that either position is right or wrong, I'm saying that a pet can be a very intimate member of a family, and like religious views and political orientation, having vastly differing views about a pets' place in the home can become a sore spot in even the strongest relationships.

So before jumping into an intimate human relationship, it would be wise to thoroughly discuss your views and expectations regarding the family pet.

In-Laws and Their Adult Children

2007-10-15T23:39:00.000-07:00

Being a mother-in-law can be one of the most rewarding relationships you can have. For some however, it can be problematic at best.

Several years ago a close friend of mine came to me to talk about the man who had just married her daughter. I knew that she hadn't liked the guy from the beginning and so I made a big mistake in the way I handled her questions. Instead of truly listening to her fears and concerns I attempted to help her find ways to accept him and to treat him with respect.

Three years later she came to me again and told me that her son-in-law was "addicted to porn" and had become abusive and controlling toward her daughter. She added "I knew that there was something about him that spelled trouble, and no one would believe me." I felt terrible.

The truth is that as an In-law, there is little you can do to protect your adult children from their bad marriage. In general, it is a good idea to stay out of their problems as much as possible. A mother will almost always side with her child and villianize the spouse regardless of who did what to whom. Instead of listening to countless hours of one-sided emotional pain, it is best to suggest that the young couple find a good marriage counselor instead of filling you in on the personal details of their marriage.

Unless the couple comes to you to ask for help regarding a specific problem it is best to refrain from offering advice unless asked. And even then, an In-law must keep firm boundaries and answer their questions from a place of wisdom and experience instead of from an emotional or protective soapbox.

Communication & Intimacy

2007-10-09T02:19:00.000-07:00

The first male client I ever had was a convicted stalker who was court ordered to 17 sessions of therapy. Upon meeting him and getting the small talk over with he looked at me and asked "Where do you live?" I realized that in his mind he was just attempting to continue the small talk, but I also realized that he was telling me much more about himself than he realized.

That is true for everyone. About 75% of our communication is nonverbal, 15% is the words we choose and the remaining 10% is subconscious intention. In intimate relationships we become very accustom to our partners nonverbal language. As we become more and more familiar we come to understand their subconscious intentions.

Although, when we argue, we often bring up what our partner had said in the past, we are generally more upset by their underlying intentions and subtle meaning. That is why arguing turns into fighting and in the end resolves nothing. It is our unexpressed intentions and subconscious cues that incite the greatest emotion from our partner.

"Lack of communication" is one of the most frequently stated problems that couples bring to therapy. But in fact each has communicated their truest feelings to the other nonverbally. By focusing on the words they are unable to acknowledge the deeper more problematic aspects of their relationship. Instead of working through a problem they keep rehashing the words over and over, sometimes for years.

When your partner talks, try to listen to what they are saying underneath the words. Then ask them about the feelings you believe they were expressing nonverbally. Put yourself into their emotions long enough to understand how they feel. And remember, feelings are not threats, they are human and should be validated even when you feel differently.

The "F" Word and Heterosexual Differences

2007-09-30T23:15:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time a couple came to me for some marriage counseling. On about the 3rd session the husband finally spoke up. I will never forget what he said. "My wife is constantly bringing up the "F" word and I can't take it anymore!" He took a deep breath and continued, "She is driving me crazy. It has gotten to the point that every time she says the "F" word I recoil, I become speechless and defensive. She just doesn't get it."

"The "F" word?" I parroted.

"Yea," he said, almost embarrassed, you know, feelings."

I held back a chuckle and gazed over at his wife who appeared to be expecting me to join her in an emotional rape of her husband. "Ah," I said as I stroked my invisible goatee, "I take it that she is expecting more out of you than you believe you have to offer."

I cannot count the times I have had to explain to couples the basic differences between the genders when it comes to expressing feelings. Of course there is always a continuum and some people regardless of their gender, are more emotive than others. But generally, men tend to be much less verbal with their feelings than are women.

When women attempt to coerce their man into talking about their feelings they are likely to find themselves fighting a loosing battle. First, their husband is likely to go blank, then get frustrated, and finally upset. At this point the quest for verbalized feelings becomes an angry exchange. I remember attempting to get my teenage son to express his feelings to me once and his response to me was "Hey, stop trying to womanize me." I backed off, and a few days later he shared his thoughts with me in his own manly way.

When men are feeling happy, loved and supported they tend to express their feelings by being in a good mood. They laugh more, interact with family and friends more or they may do tasks around the house just for the heck of it. When they are unhappy, stressed or feeling weak they often need to have a physical outlet like playing football with the guys, going to the gym or just working on the car. Through physical activity they are able to regroup, refresh and release their pent up emotions.

Understanding and supporting the way our partner prefers to handle their feelings is one of the best ways to end up living happily ever after.

Intimacy & Jealousy

2007-09-24T00:47:00.000-07:00

A young woman cornered me in the hall today while between classes. Although she looked very young it appeared that she had 3 small children under the age of 5. She began by telling me what a wonderful man her husband was and then added that even though she knows that he is faithful to her, at times she flips into the Green Eyed Monster if she sees him in the vicinity of a woman.

Intellectually she understands that he has done nothing wrong, but emotionally she feels terrified that he will eventually see another woman and then leave her. She wanted to know how she can learn how to trust people.

I realized that in the few seconds we had in the hallway there was no magic answer I could offer that would bring her the peace that she desired. What I did say was this - I told her that irrational jealousy (the kind that is not based on fact but on emotion alone) has nothing to do with trusting one's spouse. I told her that in fact this type of jealousy is rooted in her negative feelings about herself, and her belief that she wasn't good enough or pretty enough or wife enough for him - or any man. Deep down She had great difficulty loving herself and so it was very difficult for her to understand how anyone else could love her.

So she was creating a dialog in her mind that told her that one of these days he will discover just how worthless she is and then he will go off with a real woman. She doesn't trust herself enough to believe that she can be a good enough person for this man who is so loving, spiritual and wonderful - surely she didn't truly deserve him right?

Tears rose in her eyes and she looked at me clearly and said "So it is me isn't it? I'm the one who needs to work this out." "Yes" I said gently. And that doesn't mean that there is something defective in you. Most young women go through periods in their life when they feel insecure and jealous. But you are way ahead of them because you have the desire to figure out what's wrong so you can change it before it becomes a problem."

I told her that even I had tangled with the Green Eyed Monster as a young bride, and that I successfully overcame it, and so could she. She smiled and seemed to feel great relief. She had a new understanding and a goal to work toward, and most of all she was motivated by the love of her family and her desire to love herself; and to make this change a priority in her life.

Before one can change a problem, we first have to recognize that there is a problem. Once we realize there is a problem we need to have the courage to deal with it and replace it with something positive that will enrich our life.

Controling Behavior and Insecurity

2007-09-11T20:46:00.000-07:00

All successful intimate relationships are based on each partner being selfless and forgiving to a great degree. Many people come into couples therapy believing that their troubles are based on money or sexual discord. More often than not, these are just symptoms of a greater problem - that of selfishness and blame.

What most couples don't understand is that all their heated arguments are grounded in selfishness. And nearly all selfishness is based on fear. When we argue it is because we are selfishly attempting to get the other person to stop telling us how they feel and start listening to how we feel. That is selfish. In fact both need to stop insisting that they be heard and start listening to the other.

We fight because we are afraid of something. Perhaps we are afraid of not being heard, or maybe we fear not being taken seriously. The most common fear in marital discord is the fear of loosing control. We insist on pursuing our desire and inflicting our opinions because we fear loosing control of the situation. On some level we have told ourselves that if we can make everyone around us do things our way then we can feel secure and in control of our world.

Of course the truth is that we can never control others nor the world around us to any significant degree. We feel the intense need to control others because deep inside we feel unable to control our own inner world. So we focus on what is outside of us in an attempt to keep the raging insecurity we feel at bay.

When we feel secure in the belief that we are capable of dealing with whatever the world throws our way, then we no longer feel the need to control others or the world around us. It is only when we feel insecure about our ability to deal with life and its curve balls that we go overboard trying to keep our environment in perfect order.

Will Your Marriage Last? Beyond Love, Money & Sex

2007-08-22T00:48:00.000-07:00

Every new bride and groom fantasize that their marriage will be that one made in heaven, the one that lasts forever. In love, and blinded by the intense emotions and hormones that a young couple feels, it is easy to overlook the warning signs that their marriage may be doomed from the start.

Here are some proven, statistical truths that you can use as your guideline before jumping head-over-heals into marriage.

1. No doubt, getting married too young can be the downfall of a relationship later on. at 18 or 19 a humans brain hasn't finished developing yet. Consequently the way we feel, the type of person we are attracted to and the person we are will dramatically change by the time we are 25. Statistics show that the best odds for staying married applies to couples who are around age 28 when they say "I do." Love isn't enough - a long lasting relationship takes a great deal of maturity too.

2. First marriage in the United States have about a 40-50% chance of ending in divorce. If one or both partners have been married once before the likely hood of divorce goes up to about 67%. If their are any children involved the probability of a divorce goes up dramatically from there to between 70-75%. Each subsequent failed marriage a person has gone through increases the chance that a subsequent marriage will end in divorce.

3. The more basic-lifestyle similarities a couple share the better their chances are for marrying for life. Specifically, if they share the same spiritual and/or religious beliefs, have similar cultural, social and racial backgrounds, and they share basic values, their marriage has a better chance of surviving and remaining fulfilling throughout their life together.

I know it is hard to look love in the face and be honest about your relationships probable downfalls, but rationalizing away your choice to marry for the wrong reasons can lead to a devastating conclusion. Beware and Be aware.

Getting What you Focus On

2007-08-17T00:19:00.000-07:00

Why is it that we can so easily become so focused on our partner's faults that we let ourselves place our emotional energy on the negative instead of looking for and being grateful for the wonderful things about them that attracted us to begin with?

First we start to think about something that our partner does or doesn't do that annoys us, scares us or otherwise goes against our grain.

Then we begin to become resentful that they don't seem to be changing and becoming the person we wish them to be.

Finally we make attempts to control them, belittle them and/or complain about their supposed flaw.

The end result is that we train ourselves to focus on the negative instead of appreciating all the positives. And our partner begins to feel guilty, oppositional, and/or worthless.

Perhaps our man doesn't want to eat "girl food" and instead eats pizza and burgers. We may complain about it, ridicule him for it try to control his eating behaviors and in the end we become so worked up about food that we make the matter worse and our relationship begins to suffer.

Wouldn't it be better to stop trying to change our partner and instead focus our energy on loving them? Focusing on all the wonderful things s/he does to enrich our life, to bring happiness to our home and to make us smile would be a much better way to relate to them. And in the end, regardless of how much pizza he eats. both of you will be happier. Your children will grow up in a loving home and by seeing your example, they will learn how to pick their battles.

Of course all of us falter from time to time, and that doesn't mean your marriage is in trouble. If your moments of dissatisfaction are infrequent just acknowledging that you made a mistake and apologizing will go a very log way. Catching yourself and repairing the damage will help you to refrain from saying something negative the next time he does something you don't like.

There are no perfect people out there, and even if their were, they would have habits and quirks that occasionally annoyed us. So make a list of all the reasons you love your partner. Then think about how lucky you are to have that person in your life.

Celebrity Marriages - Not role Models

2007-06-09T02:02:00.000-07:00

What is it with celebrity marriages that lead most of them to a quick devorce? Read the stats below and send me your opinion about Hollywood marriages.

Shortest Celebrity Marriages
Britney Spears and Jason Allen Alexander. Lasted for 55 hours.

Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra. Lasted for 9 days in November 1998.

Mario Lopez married Ali Landry on 24 April 2004; two weeks later she had the marriage annulled.

Drew Barrymore and Jeremy Thomas, from 20 March to 28 April 1994.

Rick Rockwell and Darva Conger, married on the television program Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire February 15, 2000. Annulled April 5, 2000.

Colin Farrell and Amelia Warner, from July to November 2001.

Chad Michael Murray and Sophia Bush, married 16 April 2005, announced their separation 26 September 2005. Bush sought an annulment (citing “fraud”) in February 2006.

Jennifer Lopez and Cris Judd. Lasted 6 months.

Shannon Doherty and Ashley Hamilton. Lasted 6 months.

Axl Rose and Erin Everly, married April of 1990. Rose filed for divorce one month later, but the two made up; the marriage was annulled in January 1991.

Jennifer Lopez and Ojani Noa married on 22 February 1997, lasted 11 months

Drew Barrymore and Tom Green, married 7 July 2001, Green filled for divorce on 17 December 2001, became official 15 October 2002.

Liza Minnelli and David Gest, married from March 16, 2002 to July 25, 2003

Information provided by Wikipedia

In Sickness and in Health

2007-05-01T01:35:00.000-07:00

One of the most loving couples I ever knew was well-to-do man and his wife of many years. I never tired of seeing them together – how he doted over her, caressed her hair and gently putting his arm around her as they sat together. They were in their late 30’s, and she was paralyzed from the neck down.

Every Sunday he would dress her in a lovely outfit, fix her hair just so, and position her in her wheel chair with her hands folded on her lap and her legs together, leaning to one side in a casual yet feminine way. She always looked as though she was ready for a photo shoot – pristine, lovely.

Speech was difficult for her so after church he helped her chat with her friends by interpreting for her. He was selfless, dedicated and wonderful. I remember one Sunday he was asked to speak in church. As he stood at the pulpit I realized that it was the only time I’d seen him without her by his side. But he looked at her lovingly as he spoke and they still seemed so connected.

He spoke about their life together before the car accident, their children and how wonderful their years together had been. But what struck me most was when he spoke about the vows he had made with her on their wedding day all those years before. His eyes filled with tears as he expressed his eternal love for her, and he shared his commitment to keep those vows. It wasn’t difficult, he said, it was an opportunity to show her every day how much he loved her.

To love honor and cherish, in sickness and in health… True intimacy isn’t about getting your needs met, agreeing to disagree or communication. It is about creating an enduring love that binds your souls together forever. It is about making and taking your vows seriously, and committing to keep them…forever.

Abusive Boyfriends - Virginia Tech Massacre

2007-04-17T00:14:00.000-07:00

This morning the biggest massacre in US history took place at Virginia Tech. 32 innocent people were gunned down by a gunman who then killed himself. Because the latest information is indicating that the gunman may have been a scorned boyfriend, I am using this blog to once again, list the 20 warning signs of an abusive boyfriend. My thoughts and prayers are with those who are suffering tonight.

20 Warning signs of an abusive boyfriend

1. He likes to play rough or wrestle with you
2. He tries to tell you what you should/should not wear
3. He tells you who you can/cannot be friends with - controlling
4. He checks up on you often to see where you are or what you are doing or expects you to check in with him frequently - isolates you from friends & family
5. He is aggressive in other areas of his life or with other people
6. He has explosive outbursts or a "Jeckel/Hyde" personality
7. He thinks pushing (even in "fun") is not abuse
8. You feel that you cannot do any better than him
9. He does not take responsibility for his own words or actions - blames you for his bad behavior
10. Has great difficulty expressing a wide range of emotions other than anger
11. Has little or no empathy for others
12. He minimizes and rationalizes his abusive actions and words - "it wasn't that bad," or "she deserved it."
13. He tries to monopolize your life (expecting you to spend all your time with him)
14. Says, "I love you" very early on in the relationship (within a few weeks)
15. Confuses jealousy/possessiveness with love
16. Often has an abusive home-life
17. May do drugs/alcohol
18. May have guns or a weapon collection
19. He calls you sexist or derogatory names, as if they were terms of endearment
20. Threatens to hurt himself or you if he doesn't get his way or if you talk about leaving him.

To The Rescue - Defending your Mate

2007-04-10T23:09:00.000-07:00

Scene in a restaurant:

A mother scolds her six-year-old son for hitting his his brother. The boy turns to his mother and yells "That's stupid!" The father instantly turns to the six-year-old, looks the boy in the eyes and says, "You are disrespecting the woman I love. I don't ever want to hear you yell at her again."

It is no coincidence that as the level of respect for adult authority drops in our society, the levels of elder abuse and domestic crimes go up. Likewise, the stronger and more unified the parental unit is, the happier children are in the home environment. These are not unsubstantiated statements, they are fact.

One of the best ways to state the power of your love for your spouse is to come to their defense when you hear someone speaking disrespectfully to them or attempting to take liberties with them. It is in fact your duty to protect your spouse, physically, spiritually and emotionally from any form of attack. This doesn't infer that you believe that they are not capable of protecting themselves, it is instead, setting boundaries for your children and the world that implies that you will not tolerate abuse of any kind toward your loved ones.

Your children, and even your friends and extended family will learn that you expect them to conduct themselves respectfully toward your loved ones. Consequently, your children will begin to learn empathy for others as well as the value of a loving relationship. And everyone else will learn that they cannot come between you and your spouse.

Be an example of love and respect to the ones who mean the most to you.

Saying "I Do Not" May Save Your Life

2007-04-03T00:08:00.000-07:00

If you have tuned into any of those detective shows or the real crime dramas lately, you may have notice that after murdering their spouse, the killer makes a statement like this: "The minute I said 'I do' I knew I was making a big mistake."

I have known several people who, during a divorce claimed that they had serious doubts about marrying their partner, but they felt that it was too late to back out - too much hassle to send back presents or to have to talk to the guests and explain yourself while hearing un-asked for opinions that have little to do with your situation.

I have a cousin who had arranged a huge, very costly wedding in a temple that was so popular that she had to jump through hoops to get everything else planned around it. She had friends and family literally from all over the world flying in for the big event. But for weeks she had secretly been having doubts. She didn't even tell her mother or her best friend because she felt so afraid of the ridicule that would come her way if she backed out at this point.

So on her wedding day, kneeling across the alter from her fiancee, she began to cry. These weren't tear's of happiness, they were tears of panic, and a sure knowledge that this was going to become a very bad union.

When it came time for the "I Do" she tearfully said "I can't" She stood and apologized to everyone in the room and told them that she had the strongest feeling that she was marrying the wrong man. It all caused quite a stir, but it wasn't long before the ripples settled down and she was able to see that she had made the right choice.

Her fiancee went on to marry another beautiful young woman, and it wasn't long before she was being physically abused. Within 7 years she was dead, he was in jail and the young children were in shelters.

You have gut feeling for a reason, You need to become aware of them and listen to them. No amount of embarrassment is greater than the death of a young mother or the pain children feel when they are raised in an unhappy home.

Four Steps to a Happier Marriage

2007-03-27T22:55:00.000-07:00

Women often ask me what I consider to be the most important qualities in a successful marriage. I tell them there are too many to list, but there are a few that are at the top of my priority list. Here are four important qualities to a successful relationship.

* Give up unnecessary control and responsibility
Too often we women are so afraid of loosing control of our lives that we go overboard attempting to control everyone and everything around us. But attempting to control your man is a sure-fire way to cause him to begin to feel resentful and annoyed with you. Women need to realize and accept that their husband is an adult and is very capable of making up his own mind about how he conducts himself in life. Trying to control his behaviors is a way of elevating yourself (insinuating that you are perfect and nave all the right answers) and putting him down (suggesting that he doesn't know enough to make right choices). No one wants to live with that for any length of time.

* Express your needs while also respecting your husband's choices
Learning to express your opinion and feelings in a clear and honest way is a great way to create intimacy and trust in a relationship - unless you have a hidden agenda. Expecting that your husband should change his way of thinking or behaving because YOU have certain feelings is a recipe for failure. Wanting to be listened to is great, but expecting him to change because of your feelings is detrimental to even the strongest relationship. Get over yourself and let him have his own thoughts and feelings. Learn how to agree to disagree.

* Resist the temptation to criticize, belittle or dismiss your husband
This one seems to be a no-brainer, but you might be surprised how often I hear women castrate their man in front of him or to their friends and acquaintances. Focusing on the negative is another way of holding him to unrealistic expectations while attempting to elevate yourself. Negativity leads to negativity. Start replacing your criticism with praise and you will begin to see your relationships blossom. Even if he never hears it, talking about him in a positive way will help you be happier in the relationhip overall.

* Trust your husband in every aspect of marriage - from sexual to financial.
Regardless of the influences of the woman's movements in the US, men still tend to feel happiest when they believe that they are properly taking care of their family. It really doesn't matter what your opinion is on this subject, it is still the truth. So learning how to appreciate the things your man does for you and your family is a great way to bring the two of you together in a positive way. Help him understand just how important he is to you and the family, and support his efforts to take care of you. He will feel like a real man and you will reap the benefits.

Calming Each Other in Times of Stress

2007-03-20T22:15:00.000-07:00

Everyone experiences stress differently. Learning to recognize your own early warning signs of stress is necessary for your mental health, but learning how to recognize your partner's signs of stress can improve your relationship.

Men and women typically react to stress differently from one another, and events that are stressful to you may not be as stressful to your spouse. So learning to recognize your loved ones' symptoms can help you offer calming support instead of misunderstanding.

Begin by talking with your partner about how each of you reacts to stressful situations. Then discuss how each of you would like to be supported during those difficult times. Some people just want to have their feelings acknowledged while others would prefer to have a shoulder to cry on or time to talk about their anxiety.

Regardless of how your special someone responds to stress, knowing how to soothe each other will not only bring relief, but your level of connectedness and intimacy will increase as well.

Creating a Happy, Lifelong Relationship

2007-03-14T03:22:00.001-07:00

Today is my birthday so my husband has set me up with a full day at the Nordstrom Spa. He didn't tell me what he had arranged until we got to San Francisco. I told him that he made a great decision.

Everyone needs time away from the daily grind once in a while, even from each other.
Even in the best relationships couples need to pay attention to themselves on a regular basis - to re-charge their identity as an independent person. These times away from each other needn't be long periods of time. It might just be a couple of hours a week doing something that each is passionate about. When you frequently indulge in a passion, your overall passion for life increases. As a side effect to your rejuvenating time for yourself, you begin to feel more passionate about your family and life in general; because you regularly stir up those wonderful feelings that make you so happy about living.

So Tomorrow while he is working I will be luxuriating. Afterwards we will be together for the rest of the afternoon and we will probably go to China Town.

It is interesting to me to realize that after 30 years of marriage we still love spending so much time together. Part of the reason is that we know each other so well that we feel an intimacy that one cannot find in any short term relationship. This kind of intimacy takes decades to grow and develop to the degree that our is. We don't feel the need to entertain each other and yet we do. We love to just be with each other regardless of the activity or lack of activity we are enjoying.

Today I will appreciate his thoughtfulness all morning long as I'm being pampered and he is across the bay working. This afternoon we will walk hand in hand through the streets of San Francisco as we have done so many times before. But this time, it won't be the souvenir shopping or the sights that makes this vacation great. It will be the depth of love we have for each other that will make it special.

Creating a life long intimate relationship is something that takes undying commitment to create. It takes a lack of selfishness and an intense desire to please your partner. More than any other relationship in life it takes a tenacious, continual pattern of forgiveness and the ability to be humble and willing enough to change your own negative patterns before you expect him to make changes for you.

Divorce - Is It Right For You? Part - 1

2007-03-06T00:10:00.000-08:00

According to the National Statistics Website the current (2006) divorce rate was about 52 percent in the USA. That number includes those who have had more than one divorce. The numbers can get confusing so let me paraphrase by stating that across the board for every couple that remains married for life there is another who does not. If you have 4 close friends all of whom are married, at some time in life two of them will divorce.

Marriage is the most work you will ever enjoy! Divorce is about getting out, giving up, and beginning to think about who else is out there that might be better at making sure your needs are met. Truth is that until you are really good at meeting your own needs, no relationship will be what you expect it to be. That leads me to my next topic: When is the right time to divorce? Here are some tips:

If there are no children involved, go right ahead and mess things us as much as you want with each other. If you want to inflict emotional pain on someone it might as well be you. But if you truly want to move past this relationship and become better prepared to make the next relationship one that lasts a lifetime then you must find a way to remain rational, unemotional and compassionate to your partner while drawing up the divorce settlement and even afterwards when you see each other at the bank. Anger is just left over love that still feels hurt.
It is just another emotional tie to your X that you haven't dealt with yet, and it keeps the two you tied together no matter how long it has been or how in love you think you are with someone else. And those ugly, unavoidable ties will begin to tie your new relationship up into knots as well. Burning bridges only stops you from being able to choose which direction to go from here...Hint: The more emotion you have about this divorce the less ready you are to move on! That is a Fact!

Fact #2: If there are children involved, you have no right to divorce unless and until you - both of you have done everything within your power to make it work. That means you stop fighting, and find a calm way to interact with each other while you work out the details. Both of you have the ability to control your anger at work and at church so you CAN do it at home as well. Fighting is NOT going to help the process get better! This means you must be willing to stop playing the crazy making games and replace them with honest listening and problem solving thought processes. It means you have to be humble instead of the biggest winner or the most right. Positive things come from positive interactions. Stop making it all about you and start hearing your partner's thoughts and feelings for a change. Work together to make a compromise on every issue that comes up in the discussion.

Fact#3: Never fight in front of children or do anything that will give them the sense that your problems are their fault. Children already are eager to guilt themselves, you need to let them know that they have nothing to do with your problems. If child abuse or any type of domestic violence is a major factor in your problematic relationship you owe it to your children to get away from them until you can be 100% certain that they will no longer live in fear because of your abuse/anger issues. In a healthy divorce, parents realize that the real victims are the children and they do whatever they can to protect the children from the ugliness of the adults problems. Work your issues out with yourself and your counselor, not in front of your family!

Part 2 Next Week: How to put the "D" word onto the back burner.

Click Here to Go to Psych-Net Mental Health for help during the week or anytime.

Don't Allow Lust and Addiction to Ruin Your Relationship

2007-02-26T23:21:00.000-08:00

Pornography has become the most damaging virus on your computer. Perhaps you aren't a purveyor of porn, but if you have an internet connection available to you, you are at risk of ruining your relationships and your life. Pornography is fast becoming one of the most common reasons for broken homes in America. So today I'm leaving you with some research statistics so that you can better keep your family from becoming a casualty.

* Psychologist Edward Donnerstein, at the University of Wisconsin, conducted a study that found that even brief exposure to violent forms of pornography can lead to anti-social attitudes and behavior including psychopathy and violent crime. Other studies back his up.
* Exposure to pornography may diminish a person's capacity for true intimacy. Researchers have found that those exposed to nonviolent pornography indicated a diminished satisfaction with their partner's physical appearance, affection, and physical intimacy. Porn is fake, yet it causes one to expect the impossible from intimate relationships.
* Nationwide studies show that where the circulation rates of pornography are up, so are the rape rates. Although rape is not usually a sexual act, but an act of violence, there is some correlation here.
* Approximately 70 percent of the pornographic magazines sold end up in the hands of minors ( The Pornography Plague , Kerby Anderson). Those minors cannot all be someone else's children. Do we know what our children are experiencing — and accepting as a norm? What kind of marriages will they be able to create once their norms have shifted away from healthy moral standards?
* When viewing of pornography becomes habitual, there is a correlative increase in doubts about the value of marriage. Again, immersion into that fantasy world interferes with one's ability to separate fantasy from reality.

Don't rush to assume that you and your family or friends are incapable of giving in to this insidious and destructive force. In today's world, all of us need to be continually committed to stay away from any form of pornography.

Remember, not to condemn is to condone!

Dating - Still Important After the Ceremony

2007-02-13T00:22:00.000-08:00

It is human nature to become complacent and to take life for granted when things are going smoothly. In relationships, the honeymoon eventually fades into the background and the complexities of daily life take hold. It is because of those daily complexities that continuing to date each other regularly is important.

Creating a habit of spending quality time together without the kids and the cell phone is one of the best ways for couples to refresh their feelings for each other and to re-ignite the spark between them. Too often couples rationalize that their relationship doesn't need "refreshing," or that they just can't arrange the time or the money that dating would incur. But ask someone in an already troubled relationship if it would have been worth the effort, time and money to maintain a happy relationship and they will likely tell you "yes."

It is easy to look back on a troubled relationship and see what you could have done differently, but it is very hard to see the beginnings of disengagement. To get you through the difficult times, and to help prevent them, it is important to create habits of re-establishing your love for one another on a regular basis.

Make dating once a week a regular part of your life schedule. If money is an issue, be creative and plan events that are inexpensive or free. Even if you just go for a drive or go to a mall and share a milkshake while you watch people go by, the time spent together will be what you remember, not how much money you spent.

Here is an article that will give you some great ideas for fun and inexpensive dates.
http://www.scapades.com/Blog/?cat=10

How to Have a Happier Marriage

2007-02-06T01:52:00.000-08:00

Here are 3 more steps to developing a happier marriage:

Stop finger-pointing.

Some people are habitual blamers. Regardless of the core issue, they want to know who started it. Some people are fixers - they don't care who did it; they just want a solution. If your partner is like this try something new - reassure him/her at the beginning of a discussion that s/he is not to blame; Let them know that you just needed to talk and get their valuable input. It won't be long before the two of you start to solve problems together.

Handle his ego with care.

Even when your tone is sweet and your message loving, husbands can be quick to feel criticized. It may be hard to believe that a simple request to rinse the dishes before loading them in the dishwasher could truly wound a big, tough guy. The truth is, any request to do things differently can be interpreted as criticism, even if you don't mean it that way. Instead, learn to talk about the problem rather than his actions. Not "When you don't rinse, the dishes stay dirty," but "I notice the dishes aren't getting very clean. Do you think it's the soap, or the dishwasher, or...?" He'll jump in and suggest rinsing them first.

Flirt, flirt, flirt.

A girl at school told my friend's son that he was "really hot." My husband said rather wistfully, "I wish someone would tell me that!" Men love being adored, and it's fun to adore your man. Sneak your hand into his at a party. Whisper a sexy thought in his ear. Or just tell him that, to you, he's really hot.

Who Should Wear the Pants in Your Home?

2007-01-30T00:33:00.000-08:00

When it comes to making major decisions every couple has their unwritten rules. Some agree to discuss the situation and make a decision together; others agree to assign one person the final decision making role and some make decisions independently without regard to their spouses opinion. Whatever the "rules" are the most important factor is how each person feels about them.

The idea of designating one partner as the "decision maker" might seem painfully old fashioned to some people but if that is the arrangement that each is happy with and has agreed to, who is to say that it isn't right.

All of us go into relationships with certain expectations of ourselves and of each other. It is when those expectations aren't discussed and agreed upon that trouble happens. Someone with "old-fashioned" values who marries someone who expects to relate on a level playing field, is likely to have difficulty when the two sets of expectations collide.

If you haven't already discussed at length your expectations of each other, make it a high priority to do so before getting into a committed relationship. If you are already in a committed relationship then talking about "the rules" and coming to an agreement with one another will help prevent future problems.

It doesn't matter how long you have known each other, s/he cannot read your mind nor assume your wishes. Only by expressing your expectations and desires will each of you get your needs met.

Emotional Needs and Relationships

2007-01-23T14:46:00.000-08:00

All people have emotional needs, and in an intimate relationship meeting each other's most important emotional needs is paramount if you are to develop a fulfilling companionship.

Years of interviews have shown that there are 10 emotional needs that are typically the most important in a marriage: admiration, affection, conversation, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment.

Funny thing though, when asked to list these needs in order of priority men almost always list them one way while women list them the opposite way. Is it any wonder then that couples grow apart? We tend to do for the other what we think is most important, and that is rarely what is most important to our partner. We just keep missing the mark, and we get frustrated because we don't understand why.

So if you really want to make a positive difference in your marriage, ask your partner to list his or her emotional needs in order of priority. Then keep that list close at hand so that you can do your part to make sure their most important needs are met.

Marriage is about pleasing each other and creating a happy union. Too often we become selfish and begin to complain that our needs aren't being met. We forget that our partner has needs too. So get back on track by doing this simple exercise and your marriage and your level of happiness is bound to improve.

Reducing Resentment in Your Relationship

2007-01-16T00:49:00.000-08:00

We live in a busy world. And because couples are beginning to wait to get married until their mid-to late 20’s they often bring well developed hobbies and lifestyles into their new relationship. While we are dating it may feel endearing to know that our man is still in touch with his inner child, but after the lifelong commitment has been made we may find it aggravating that he still wants to spend so much money and time on computer games.

He may have found your girlish inability to make a decision amusing while you were dating, but now he feels burdened with all choices that have to be made regarding the household responsibilities. Eventually he may even begin to see you as a child rather than his equal partner.

Both scenarios are very common in committed relationships. We are so blinded when we are falling in love, but once the real world gets back on track, some of those hobbies, habits and traits will have to evolve if you are to develop a permanent loving relationship.

One way to begin to close the door on some emerging resentment is to take a good look at your partner’s likes and dislikes. Choose one thing he dislikes and make a commitment to never cross that line, i.e. if he cannot stand wearing “pink” socks, then commit to wash his white clothes separately from the rest.

Then choose something he does like and educate yourself on the subject well enough to participate in the activity with him.

For instance, if he loves to fish, learn something about fishing and take up a real and join him. If you can’t stomach catching a fish then go with him and enjoy the walk together to the pond. Once there, read a book while sitting nearby as he fishes.

Whatever it is, it will be possible to find a way to share each other’s hobbies together. And that will not only give you great quality time together, but it shows your partner how genuinely interested and supportive you are of him and his individual passions.

Money, Sex & Selfishness

2007-01-08T22:36:00.000-08:00

Most people believe that the typical cause of failed relationships is money and/or sex; not so. Although money or sex issues can be prominent symptoms in a bad relationship, they are not the root cause of the problem. Rather, it is pride and selfishness that is at the core of most marriage and relationship issues.

People tend to think of themselves as more giving than selfish and more humble than prideful. But everyone has aspects of their personality which are both selfish and prideful. It is when these egocentric characteristics inflate to the point of causing conflict in a relationship that they have to be acknowledged and dealt with.

Abusive and controlling partners are exhibiting extreme selfishness, while stubborn uncompromising partners are exhibiting extreme levels of pride. Both have convinced themselves that their own desires are paramount and justified, but actually each is behaving in a way that can destroy their relationship.

Even the most extreme issues can be resolved if each person is willing to recognize how their own selfish or prideful behaviors are negatively impacting the relationship. Each person needs to be willing to humble themselves enough to change their own bad behaviors and replace them with behaviors that will positively impact the relationship. If the abusive partner is willing to be less selfish and demanding, more forgiving and compassionate the abuse will stop and the love can flourish.

The solution is simple, but implementing that solution to the degree that is needed in order to create a happy relationship requires a lot of ongoing introspection and behavioral changing. It takes constant personal housecleaning and a strong commitment to replace old habits with positive nurturing behaviors.

So if you find yourself pointing fingers at your partner, believing that s/he is “the problem,” take a look at yourself instead and begin to become the person you would want to be with if you were in their shoes. Remember, the only person you have control over is yourself. And a mighty change can take place in your relationship if you start by changing you.

Warning Signs for Domestic Violence

2007-01-02T01:38:00.000-08:00

People in intimate relationships are often in denial about the severity of abuse in their relationship, and they don't see their need for help. Sometimes people delude themselves into believing that their relationship is "different" or that they have the power to "change" their partner's abusive ways. Young people often believe that they are not worthy of a healthy relationship or they are afraid of being alone if they leave their abusive partner.

The truth is, no one deserves to be treated poorly, and their is no excuse for abuse. Regardless of how imperfect the abuser makes the victim feel, it is never the victims fault!

Here are some of the common warning Signs of an abusive relationship:

• Extreme jealousy or insecurity
• Acting as if you belong to him/her.
• Frequent criticism
• Possessiveness
• Controlling behavior
• Explosive temper
• Making false accusations
• Isolating you from your friends and family
• Preventing you from doing things you want to do.

Ask Yourself:

Is your partner jealous or possessive? Does s/he blame you for his/her angry outbursts or his/her other problems? Do you feel afraid to tell him/her you want out of the relationship? Does s/he accuse you of flirting or cheating on him? Does s/he frequently check up on you or make you check in with him throughout the day? Does s/he tell you how to dress or how much makeup to wear? Does he try to control what you do and who you talk to? Does s/he try to keep you from your family and friends? Does s/he have mood swings; angry or yelling at you one minute and afterwards s/he is kind and apologetic or says s/he can’t live without you? Do you often feel like you’re "walking on eggshells" around him/her or trying not to make him/her angry? Does s/he put you down or criticize you and make you feel like you can’t do anything right or that no one else would want you? Does s/he get in your face, point/shake his/her finger at you or intimidate you when s/he is angry? Does s/he yell, kick, shove, punch, slap, hold you down, throw things or hurt you in any way? Does s/he threaten to hurt you or somebody you care about? Does s/he force or pressure you into having sex or going further than you want to?

If you answered yes to 3 or more of these you are probably in a potentially abusive relationship. Don't minimize the risk you are in, and get help NOW.
Too many people have ended up dead because they refused to admit how serious their situation was. Don't become a statistic. Read more about domestic violence - information and resources.

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-25T23:59:00.000-08:00

I'm taking a break today from the blog, but I thought you might enjoy reading this. It was written by Jason Dougherty, a writer, musician and choral director. You can participate in creating his latest on-line novel at http://fictionfiction.blogspot.com. See you next week.

Is It Still a “Merry Christmas”?
By Jason Dougherty

As the years go on, the Christmas Spirit seems to be phasing out. More and more gifts are purchased each year during the holidays and Christmas lights are still illuminating neighborhood homes by droves, but the expression of merry wishes for the Christmas season has suddenly become taboo and many even find it offensive.

While preparing an informational letter to send home with my students, I found myself wanting to write “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” What if I offend someone? Am I maintaining a separation of church and state if I write “Merry Christmas”? Is it offensive for a non-Christian to read the words “Merry Christmas”?

I overheard someone saying to another: “I left you a gift in your box. It's just a non-denominational celebration gift for all the work you do for us.” Then, upon leaving work for the Christmas season, another person sent an email to fellow co-workers saying: “Happy Politically Correct day of non-specific Celebration.” Now this, of course, I found amusing and was obviously intended to be a joke. Nevertheless, I found it a little disheartening to ponder the thought that our society has come to embrace the social norm that it is not okay to come right out and say: “Merry Christmas.”

Political Correctness has overstepped its bounds if it means that you can no longer openly wish someone happy thoughts and glad tidings during a festive holiday season that your specific belief system calls “Christmas.”

If we’re not allowed to say “Merry Christmas” for fear of offending someone that does not specifically believe in Christmas, then perhaps we should not say “Happy Holidays” either because not everyone celebrates holidays during this time of year.

Now, I’ve lost track—is it still okay to say “Happy New Year”? I only ask because the Chinese and the Mayans, and many other cultures around the world celebrate the “New Year” at a different time other than our current calendar expiration.

What about “Happy Birthday”? There are some religions that do not celebrate birthdays. Perhaps we should refrain from telling anyone “Happy Birthday” as well. I mean, we don’t want to offend anyone now do we?

I can understand people becoming upset if we were to say things like “Have a terrible New Year,” or “Hope your Christmas is worse than labor pains,” but instead we are wishing happy thoughts, merry thoughts. So maybe the solution to the problem, then, is to never wish good things for people at all—someone might get offended!

The point of all this, of course, is that society is starting to forget what the “Christmas Spirit” is all about. It’s about a time for forgiveness, a time for joy, a time for peace, a time for love, a time for giving, a time for happiness, a time to let your inner child roam free, a time to forget about the stresses and sorrows of life and embrace all that is good in the world. The words “Merry Christmas” are not meant to offend, but are meant to share love and respect with a fellow member of mankind. If that person gets offended because you wished them well, there is nothing you can do about it.

Likewise, I would not take offense to someone wishing me Happy Chanukah or Happy Kwanza. On the contrary, I would take it as a kind gesture and be thankful to the person that mentioned it because that person just wished me happy and prosperous times during a season in which their specific beloved holiday happened to fall.

So I say, this year, be not afraid to express the words that mean so much more than the four syllables that make it. Political Correctness has no place telling you not to share your love for a wonderful time of year with others.

Don’t let the magic of Christmas be lost to fear of offending. People will always find something to be offended by. Instead, let the Christmas Spirit ride with you this season—no matter what your religion. The next time you see someone, regardless of their religious beliefs, tell them what you feel in your heart. Tell them: Merry Christmas.

If you feel so inclined, pass this on to your friends and loved ones. Help them remember what it means to say “Merry Christmas.”

3 Tips to a Happier Relationship

2006-12-20T01:09:00.000-08:00

Because I have pneumonia this week I am writing just a few tidbits of information that are important in developing a better relationship.

1. Be your own spin doctor.

When couples frequently bring up past wrongs it is because they still feel that those wrongs need to be righted. When a woman feels scorned, she may carry that wound with her for a very long time and even though it isn’t logical to constantly bring it up, she does it because deep inside she wishes there was some way to stop the pain. So she looks to her spouse to have just the right words to say or to show her remorse by never doing anything wrong again.

The man just thinks he's being raked over the coals again. Before bringing up old business, I try to use a positive approach: "Remember when we talked before about spending less money? Have you thought any more about that? I'd like to hear what you think." That usually works better than a surprise attack. Notice the use of “I” messages here and how using them reduces the feeling of blame or entrapment.
No matter how bad you may feel, trying to put your partner into an uncomfortable or defensive position will not solve your issue. However, bringing it up all over again without resolution just may do more damage to the relationship.

2. Talk less, do more.

Some people just talk too much. Women are particularly good at this. Because being verbal comes naturally to us, we often use words as a defense mechanism; we use it to stay in control of the conversation, making us look the smartest, or the rightist. For women, conversation is how we solve problems. We like to talk.

Most men like to do things. Instead of trying to pull an all-nighter, talking until he falls asleep (and then getting angry at him for not staying awake during your “discussion,”) try another approach, one that he may be able to understand better like “doing” something differently. I've found that whenever I replace talk with action, I have greater success. Instead of telling him you want a long, delicious good-bye kiss, grab his lapels and show him!

3. Love the flaws.

A husband is there for every grumpy morning, every bad-hair day and every hormonal peak and valley. This used to seem unglamorous to me, like the bloom fading off the rose. Now I see a deeper love in the day-to-day existence. Anyone can carry on a grand passion from a distance. It takes a real lover to adore a human being, warts and all.

Once you stop demanding so much change and start appreciating his good points you will start feeling happier in the relationship. Remember you need to spend more time working on your contribution to a happy relationship because you are the only person you can control.

Positive In Positive Out

2006-12-12T01:28:00.000-08:00

Most of the time, when a couple seeks me out for marriage counseling, they each come into my office with a hidden desire; a secret hope that I will point out their spouse’s faults and validate their agenda. More often than not, it is the wife who has made arrangements to get into therapy, believing that this is her last opportunity for her husband to be set straight. When therapy doesn’t go exactly as she expected, and I start expecting changes from her as well as from him, she gets angry at me and accuses me of not seeing her husband for who he “really” is.

One of the first things I learned while working with couples is that the one who complains the most is generally the one who needs to be set straight the most. Continual discontent with a partner is like a cancer to a relationship. The more the discontent is fed, the more it grows, and the longer it grows the more toxic it becomes. The one complaining becomes so focused on the faults of the other that they neglect to look at their own behavior and their negative contributions to the relationship.

“If he would just take out the garbage without being asked…” or “If she would just have dinner ready when I get home from work…” become the complainer’s personal mantra. They become both victim and martyr, while demonizing the person who was once the love of their life.

Relationships are like emotional savings accounts, we only get out of it what we have put into it. If we continue to put negativity into it, we will get negativity back out of it. And likewise, if we put more positive influences into it we will eventually have a storehouse of positive experiences to withdraw from it.

You may have heard the quote, “if you want to have a good friend, be a good friend.” This statement is so true in relationships. If you want to have a positive relationship you first have to become a positive influence to that relationship.

I’m not saying that this is an easy thing to do, especially if you have developed a habit of negativity. Destructive habits can be very difficult to change; and when you have convinced yourself that you aren’t the problem, it is even harder, but it is necessary.

And then there is the angry factor to deal with. So often when a couple is beginning to see that both individuals need to change their destructive patterns the issue of anger towards the other becomes the focus. How can one just turn off the weeks, months and years of stored up anger? The solution is easy; putting that solution into action can feel unbearable. The truth is, anger is a choice. You have to ask yourself “which investment is most important to me, my anger or my relationship?” Choosing to let go of the anger in order to save the relationship is a positive sign that there is hope for the relationship. Choosing to hold onto the anger is a sure sign that the marriage may fail.

Letting go of your anger means that you have to focus on your partners positive qualities more than you focus on their less positive traits. Begin to be appreciative of what you have with this person instead of becoming disgruntled about what you don’t yet have. Once you allow yourself to focus on the positive aspects of your partner’s contribution to the relationship, make a commitment to share your appreciation and to let them know that you notice the good things.

You cannot change another person, you can only change yourself; and when you do change yourself, your partner will reflexively begin to change for the better too.

Dealing With Conflict In Relationships

2006-12-03T19:50:00.000-08:00

Everyone gets upset now and then. Even in the healthiest of relationships couples occasionally endure angry, uncomfortable outbursts. Over and over it has been shown that the way people argue can determine whether or not they are likely to divorce at some point So here I have compiled a list of things you can do to help get you through the difficult moments and back on track for the rest of your marriage.

1. Stay calm. You cannot be at your problem-solving best when you're angry. Come back to the situation when you're not angry, and you can have a whole new perspective. Let your partner know that you are too irrational to talk right now and that you will be back in 15 minutes to continue the discussion once you have your thoughts together and are calmer. Take that 15 minutes to walk and think or to journal write. Reduce your emotional reactions and formulate your thoughts and feelings into clear nonthreatening "I statements." (I feel, ...when, ...because,....)Try not to use the word You while making your thoughts and feelings clear because that is likely to infer a threat and will create defensive arguing again.

2. Also, pick your battles. You can't have a conflict over everything. That is known as 'kitchen sinking' -- bringing up things that happened five, 10 years ago. Bringing things up from the past is a way to not address the issues right in front of you; and they are generally said in hopes of hurting the other person to some degree.And THAT is never productive to working out angry themes.

3. Put your selfish wants and desires on the back burner. Selfishness is a leading cause of domestic violence and divorce. A mind-set of "I want..." & "what about me?" is sure to end in negative feelings towards you and in the overall relationship.

For a happy marriage, here's how to deal with conflict:

* bring up your concerns in a nonthreatening way. "Be nice. And don't be phony about it, as if you plan to smile and invite him into your web. Men can smell a trap a mile away. Make a commitment that you will in no way resort to any form of name calling - not even in jest. Character assassination will not get you want you ultimately want. S/he needs a person with whom s/he can feel safe, non-threatened and heard.

* Bring up specific issues or behaviors, rather than personality quirks & qualities. In a happy marriage, there's no attacking the person. Bring up the specific time, how you felt about it, then the other person can understand your need and can then change their behavior. Otherwise, they don't know what to do about it, they're boxed in."
* Use "I" statements. Instead of saying "you're such a messy person" say "I'm really bothered when there are clothes on the floor, because I feel calmer when the house is clean." Such statements show how you feel about a specific behavior, and that's important in a happy marriage. One is unlikely to change a behavior if they don't realize how it effects the other.
* Try to stay calm. Studies show that the calmer you are, the more you will be taken seriously. Take a breath, count to 10, breathe, breathe, breathe. Try to be nonthreatening.And focus on what your partner has to say too, not just what you are thinking about saying next.
* Take a break. If you're going back and forth, if you feel your blood pressure going up, take minutes or seconds. Don't take hours. If you take too long, it festers in the other person, they've had time analyze it; you're dismissing their feelings opinions, and you are dismissing them.
* Don't bring it up at night. Choose the right time -- not when people are tired, hungry, when the kids are all around, when you've got a deadline at work. Those are not best times."
* Consider your spouse's point of view, if you want a truly happy marriage. I'm a true believer in this. Studies show that every single action has a different meaning depending on if you are male, female, your race, your background. That is important to remember in conflict resolution. Just because you think a certain way doesn't mean your partner should see things your way. They are entitled to their thoughts and feelings just as well.

Research has shown, over and over again, that conflict itself is not important; but it is how you choose to work through that conflict that defines what course your marriage will take. How you handle it over the long haul, really is important to a happy marriage. I'm a firm believer in direct, meaningful & clear communication -- but you have to choose the right time."

Also, compromise is necessary in long-term relationships. But each partner has to feel that it's reciprocal. One can't feel that they're making all the compromises. When one spouse makes all the compromises, it's uncomfortable for both -- not just the one giving in.

A selfish person tends to believe that when they compromise or "give in" once in a while that they have given more than their share. That is because giving anything at all is so difficult that even the slightest offer feels enormous to them. In marriage both people have to give until it works and to some, that my be painful, - but in the long run the payoff will be great!

Friendship and Agreement are Key to Successful Marriage

2006-11-28T01:06:00.000-08:00

In a marriage that is to stand the test of time, romance is important, but compatibility is critical. Partners in healthy marriages come to agree upon common agendas regarding the directions their marriage will take, and the way each partner will behave. These common agreements may never have been discussed, but they will be present in how each partner chooses to act.

Areas of agreement that partners will have dealt with will generally include:

* Friendship. Successful partners develop a significant friendship at the core of their relationship. They genuinely like one another, amuse and comfort one another, and prefer to spend time with each other. This friendship and mutual liking is somewhat separate from other aspects of the relationship (sexuality, for instance), and can survive the loss of these other aspects of the relationship. A strong friendship and mutual liking is often the core to repairing troubled relationships.

* Role expectations. In a healthy marriage each reaches an agreement regarding how household responsibilities are divided and how they will behave towards each other. Traditionally, and still dominantly, the man will take on the majority of financial obligations, while the woman will take on nurturing roles. Tradition has broken down significantly in the industrialized west over the last century, however, and it is not at all uncommon to find 'women' who take on financial obligations, 'men' who take on nurturing roles, or to find both partners sharing these roles to one degree or another. But it is the couples agreement about who will be in charge of what that is essential to marital bliss. Failure to reach agreement regarding roles can be a major source of conflict.

These are only two more keys to a successful marriage. More will be covered in future blogs.

Marriage is Good For Your Health

2006-11-21T00:16:00.000-08:00

Couples in conflict-ridden marriages take longer than happily married couples to heal from all kinds of wounds, from minor scrapes or athletic injuries to major surgery.

This new research, reported at the American Psychosomatic Society adds to growing evidence that marriage has a huge impact on health.

"Even a simple disagreement slows wound healing," says psychologist Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, of Ohio State University College of Medicine.

In this study, hostile couples who use criticism, sarcasm and put-downs, healed the slowest. It took them 40 percent longer - two more days - to heal.

On the upside, good marriages can decrease your blood pressure, increase your immune system and even lower your risk for major diseases such as cancer and heart attack. "You may not be able to get away from the job stress," says Dr. Baker, "but a good marriage soothes people which minimizing the effects of stress from their job."

People just don’t realize how much their marriage can affect the rest of their life. Dr. Kayser has studied how couples cope with the stress of a wife's diagnosis of breast cancer. She writes, "How the marriage helps or hurts tends to come out more during a crisis," she says, "but our marriages are affecting our health and well-being all the time."

Recipe for A Happy Marriage:

1 cup consideration

1 cup courtesy

2 cupfuls flattery carefully concealed

1 gallon faith and trust in each other

2 cupfuls praise

1 small pinch of in-laws

1 reasonable budget, a generous dash of cooperation

3 teaspoon pure extract of "I'm sorry"

1 cup contentment

1 cup each confidence and encouragement

1 large or several small hobbies

1 cup blindness to the other's faults

Flavor with frequent portions of recreation and a dash of happy memories. Stir well and remove any specks of jealousy, temper or criticism. Sweeten well with generous portions of love and keep warm with a steady flame of devotion. Never serve with cold shoulder.

The Need For Affection

2006-11-13T19:54:00.000-08:00

I was 17 when I left home for college. I made arrangements to stay with my friend's family near to my school. Within a few days I was moved in and comfortable; that was, until I stumbled into the kitchen one afternoon and discovered my friend's parents lovingly embraced, with their arms around each other, talking. When I turned to exit the kitchen my friend's mother said, "Karen, come on in, we're just talking." Embarrassed, I excused myself anyway.

I had come from a home where physical affection was seldom expressed, especially between my parents. But it wasn't long before I realized that my friend's parents had something I wanted; an openly affectionate relationship. Their closeness wasn't foreplay, it was just an expression of their love for one another.

All to often, after we become comfortable with our special someone, we relax to the point of forgetting to court each other on a daily basis. We forget how important our affection is to our partner and we forget how important it is to maintaining a loving relationship. How often have you heard someone complain that the only time their partner is affectionate is when they want sex. It is a favorite theme in sit-coms. But if you want your relationship to flourish, don't let it become a regular theme in yours.If it has been a while since you have openly displayed your affection, take a moment to let your special someone know that you realize that this is an area in your life that needs to change and that you are willing to start the ball rolling. That way when you walk up from behind for a quick hug, s/he won't be too surprised.

Most of us have heard the phrase, "a good marriage takes a lot of work." This is something you can start today that doesn't have to feel like work. But it can make a positive impact on your life together. Don't just think about change, create change!

Become Each Other's Best Friend

2006-11-07T02:20:00.000-08:00

What are the secrets to creating a lifelong love? Well, there aren’t any real secrets, but there are a lot of things that you can do to make your marriage happy and fulfilling. Here is one of the most important ones. I will cover some of the others in future blogs.

Be Each Other’s Best Friend

Ask yourself, “How do I treat my friends?” and “How do I treat my partner differently?” Erma Bombeck once wrote a piece about how strange it would be if we treated our friends the same way we treated out family at the dinner table. We’d invite our friends to dinner, but before we ate we’d ask them if they washed their hands first – “did you use soap?. When they pass on the veggies we get gruff and tell them that if they don’t eat their spinach they won’t get any dessert, and so on. Of course we treat visitors a little differently than family, but overall we need to be as respectful to our spouse as we would anyone else – perhaps even more so.

How often do you play together? When was the last time that you shared a good joke together? How often do you plan time just to hang out, relax and enjoy each other’s company? What do you enjoy doing with your friends that you could also enjoy with your partner? How comfortable are you sharing personal thoughts and feelings with your wife/husband? How good are you at listening without getting upset at what is being said? These are very important questions to answer as the quality of your relationship depends on the quantity and the quality of your time together.

Plan time in your life to be your partner’s friend, and make a commitment to be a great friend to him/her. Act like you did when you were first getting to know each other, happy, vulnerable, energized. Marriage is a lot of work, and most couples will agree with that statement; but all too often we forget to do that work. We begin to take each other for granted and we fall into a routine that doesn’t include enough positive time together.

So, get out your date book and make a date, right now. Putting it off may indicate the beginning of the end. Don’t let that happen.

Fighting in front of Children

2006-11-01T03:41:00.000-08:00

It is never alright to fight in front of children. I used to be said that kids need to learn, through observation, how to fight so that they will know how to be in a relationship someday. That has been studied and proven over and over that this idea is clearly as damaging to families as divorce.

Now, because of recent longitudinal studies that have been done (taken over 20-30 year periods)we now know that children are in fact deeply scarred by living with parent’s that quarrel and fight within earshot of the children. Interior home walls are generally not insulated and the sound travels quite freely from one room to the next. And when parents are speaking loudly, you can bet that the children are hearing everything. Their anxiety rises as the tones and threats in the argument increase in intensity. And children can always imagine that their parent’s fight is the child’s fault

Children don’t know how to protect themselves from the pain that is welling up inside them and they feel helpless to run away. So they become prisoners in their own personal torture chamber, a prison, their bedroom; the same place where they are expected to find comfort and peace a few hours later so they can drift happily off to sleep. This will never happen. The child will lay awake feeling physical anxiety because they didn’t have the right arena to express their fears and feelings so they internalize their pain. Young children will automatically find reasons that s/he was the reason for the fight. Perhaps they heard their name among all the other words spoken in anger. Or perhaps earlier in the day or week they were scolded for something and now they believe that they are the problem that is being fought about. They worry that it will be their fault if the parents split up. Kids can create the most elaborate ideas about how it was their entire fault that bad things happen in their home. This is way too much pressure and responsibility for a young, underdeveloped child to have to deal with.

They may zone out, curl up in the corner or on their bed. They may even come to you and beg you to stop fighting. Sadly when this happens, either the child is not even acknowledged or s/he becomes another target for the angry parent. “Get back to your room. Can’t you hear me?! If your room isn’t clean in 10 minutes you know I’ll be coming after you next!” Even if this only happens once every week or two, it is enough to change the character and personality of your child for the worse…and for the rest of his/her life. Whatever your selfish motivation is to continue a disagreement with your partner, it is NEVER worth the damage to your children that fighting will inflict. Close your doors and keep your voice down no matter how angry you get. S/He isn't listening to you when you are yelling anyway - but the kids are. Be the parent they need you to be.