Money, Sex & Selfishness

Most people believe that the typical cause of failed relationships is money and/or sex; not so. Although money or sex issues can be prominent symptoms in a bad relationship, they are not the root cause of the problem. Rather, it is pride and selfishness that is at the core of most marriage and relationship issues.

People tend to think of themselves as more giving than selfish and more humble than prideful. But everyone has aspects of their personality which are both selfish and prideful. It is when these egocentric characteristics inflate to the point of causing conflict in a relationship that they have to be acknowledged and dealt with.

Abusive and controlling partners are exhibiting extreme selfishness, while stubborn uncompromising partners are exhibiting extreme levels of pride. Both have convinced themselves that their own desires are paramount and justified, but actually each is behaving in a way that can destroy their relationship.

Even the most extreme issues can be resolved if each person is willing to recognize how their own selfish or prideful behaviors are negatively impacting the relationship. Each person needs to be willing to humble themselves enough to change their own bad behaviors and replace them with behaviors that will positively impact the relationship. If the abusive partner is willing to be less selfish and demanding, more forgiving and compassionate the abuse will stop and the love can flourish.

The solution is simple, but implementing that solution to the degree that is needed in order to create a happy relationship requires a lot of ongoing introspection and behavioral changing. It takes constant personal housecleaning and a strong commitment to replace old habits with positive nurturing behaviors.

So if you find yourself pointing fingers at your partner, believing that s/he is “the problem,” take a look at yourself instead and begin to become the person you would want to be with if you were in their shoes. Remember, the only person you have control over is yourself. And a mighty change can take place in your relationship if you start by changing you.

Warning Signs for Domestic Violence

People in intimate relationships are often in denial about the severity of abuse in their relationship, and they don't see their need for help. Sometimes people delude themselves into believing that their relationship is "different" or that they have the power to "change" their partner's abusive ways. Young people often believe that they are not worthy of a healthy relationship or they are afraid of being alone if they leave their abusive partner.

The truth is, no one deserves to be treated poorly, and their is no excuse for abuse. Regardless of how imperfect the abuser makes the victim feel, it is never the victims fault!

Here are some of the common warning Signs of an abusive relationship:

• Extreme jealousy or insecurity
• Acting as if you belong to him/her.
• Frequent criticism
• Possessiveness
• Controlling behavior
• Explosive temper
• Making false accusations
• Isolating you from your friends and family
• Preventing you from doing things you want to do.


Ask Yourself:

Is your partner jealous or possessive? Does s/he blame you for his/her angry outbursts or his/her other problems? Do you feel afraid to tell him/her you want out of the relationship? Does s/he accuse you of flirting or cheating on him? Does s/he frequently check up on you or make you check in with him throughout the day? Does s/he tell you how to dress or how much makeup to wear? Does he try to control what you do and who you talk to? Does s/he try to keep you from your family and friends? Does s/he have mood swings; angry or yelling at you one minute and afterwards s/he is kind and apologetic or says s/he can’t live without you? Do you often feel like you’re "walking on eggshells" around him/her or trying not to make him/her angry? Does s/he put you down or criticize you and make you feel like you can’t do anything right or that no one else would want you? Does s/he get in your face, point/shake his/her finger at you or intimidate you when s/he is angry? Does s/he yell, kick, shove, punch, slap, hold you down, throw things or hurt you in any way? Does s/he threaten to hurt you or somebody you care about? Does s/he force or pressure you into having sex or going further than you want to?

If you answered yes to 3 or more of these you are probably in a potentially abusive relationship. Don't minimize the risk you are in, and get help NOW.
Too many people have ended up dead because they refused to admit how serious their situation was. Don't become a statistic. Read more about domestic violence - information and resources.