Can People Fall Out of Love?

Can people just fall out of love?

No. Love is an intense emotion that is strengthened over time. It is not something that is there one day and gone the next. Love is not the same as physical attraction and it is not the same as neediness. Love is a feeling of unconditional acceptance of and appreciation for another's talents, personality, thoughts and beliefs.

One of the main causes for the breakdown in marriages is that people don't spend enough time together. They take their marriages and their spouses for granted. The breakdown happens slowly, almost invisibly as each person begins to rearrange their priorities, taking more and more time away from each other. They allow work, the kids, soccer games, community activities, extended family obligations, and hobbies to becomes more important than spending time together. When this happens, people grow apart. They become two strangers passing in the night. They're no longer a team. And, because they're distant, the little time they do spend together is unfulfilling and void of intimacy.

This distance and alienation sometimes fools people into thinking they've fallen out of love. They feel numb. They can't imagine ever re-igniting those loving feelings. But the truth is, the love hasn't been destroyed, it's just camouflaged beneath the numbness. By acknowledging the mistakes and re-doing the family priorities to include more quality time together, the feelings of warmth, connection, friendship and intimacy can be restored.

Divorce is the lazy way to deal with a marriage that has become unfulfilling. Divorce in most cases is simply a way to escape looking at how each has contaminated the relationship and let it spin out of control. But the truth is that most marriages can not only be saved, they can be transformed into a welcome and nurturing part of life. It just requires a commitment to each other and to spending more time together.
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The Secret to a Life-long Marriage

Want to know the secret to a good marriage - the miracle of a life-long relationship? OK, let me tell you. Brace yourself, take notes if you must...

The secret to a life-long, happy marriage is you. That's right, you have the power to make your relationship eternally happy, and learning to utilize that power is easy. Here's what you do. Every time you get frustrated, board or unhappy in your relationship choose to do something about it, something positive. Ask yourself what you can do to make your spouse a little happier, a little less bored or a little less frustrated.

If you are having negative thoughts or feelings about your marriage you can bet that your spouse is too. And the best way to turn your negative thoughts and feelings into positive ones is to do something positive for your spouse. Your act of kindness will light a spark that will result in wonderful happy moments with each other.

When you said "I do" you were making a covenant to love, honor and cherish your spouse. Notice that there is nothing in the marriage ceremony about how you will make sure your desires are met. You covenanted to make your partner happy and to make your marriage happy. As with most things in life, your marriage is not all about you. But it is up to you to make yourself happy by making your partner feel cherished, loved and appreciated.

Have you noticed how people will automatically smile at you if they see you smiling at them? It is the same in intimate relationships. When you smile and lovingly pamper your spouse, your efforts will be reciprocated in kind. Do this every day of your life and you will be guaranteed a lifetime of marital fulfillment.

It sounds so simple, and in a way it is. The hard part is making the commitment to change the way you think, and to acknowledge that you have the ability to turn your marriage around. Try it. After all, what do you have to loose? Choosing to remain miserable, believing that your spouse should be the hero, may result in the loss of your family?

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Infidelity - Who's to Blame?

The divorce rate in the US is now up to 57% and in about 2/3's of those divorces infidelity is a factor. What causes a spouse to look outside of marriage for emotional or sexual fulfillment? Who is to blame? And how can you stop yourself from cheating?

The causes of infidelity are many. But just as with domestic violence, the victim is never to blame. Whether the cheating is with another person, with pornographic sources or another venue, infidelity is always a choice. One spouse, for various reasons and rationalizations, makes a choice to find sexual pleasure outside of the marriage. Almost always it is a result of the players selfishness and insensitivity toward the remaining spouse.

It never ceases to amaze me at how the offending spouse can create countless reasons for blaming the non-offending spouse. And it also amazes me how often the non-offending spouse takes on the blame. I don't care how "cold" the spouse was, or how much weight they have gained, there is NO excuse for turning outside the marriage to satisfy emotional or physical needs.

How often I have heard an offending spouse say "It just happened." Sex doesn't just happen. It follows a series of steps, each one of which depended upon the participant making the choice to continue down that road.

If you wish to stay true to your marriage it is important that you first make a commitment to yourself and to your spouse to never do anything that might put you at risk. Have a moral code, a set of rules that will keep you from becoming emotionally engaged with a potential temptation.

1. Never allow yourself to be alone in the same room or home with a member of the opposite sex. If you have business to do with someone, stand on the porch, but don't go in. You will keep yourself safe from gossip and from the temptation to engage in a non-business dialog.

2. If you work in an office setting make the decision in advance to never work late with your secretary or anyone of the opposite sex. Our defenses become weak as night falls and we become more relaxed.

3. Are you sometimes asked to attend an after work get-together? Unless your spouse is meeting you there, kindly refuse. Office popularity is not as important as your marriage.

4. Make your love for your spouse and family common knowledge. Refuse to say anything negative about your spouse or your relationship even if you are having difficulties. If you need to talk about your troubles find an excellent family therapist and go with your spouse for help. If your spouse won't go, go by yourself.

5. Take a look at yourself and ask yourself what you can do to make your marriage better. What can you do today to make your spouse know how special they are to you and how much you appreciate them. Put all the passion, time and energy one might put into an affair into your marriage instead. I guarantee it will make a difference.

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