Infidelity - Who's to Blame?

The divorce rate in the US is now up to 57% and in about 2/3's of those divorces infidelity is a factor. What causes a spouse to look outside of marriage for emotional or sexual fulfillment? Who is to blame? And how can you stop yourself from cheating?

The causes of infidelity are many. But just as with domestic violence, the victim is never to blame. Whether the cheating is with another person, with pornographic sources or another venue, infidelity is always a choice. One spouse, for various reasons and rationalizations, makes a choice to find sexual pleasure outside of the marriage. Almost always it is a result of the players selfishness and insensitivity toward the remaining spouse.

It never ceases to amaze me at how the offending spouse can create countless reasons for blaming the non-offending spouse. And it also amazes me how often the non-offending spouse takes on the blame. I don't care how "cold" the spouse was, or how much weight they have gained, there is NO excuse for turning outside the marriage to satisfy emotional or physical needs.

How often I have heard an offending spouse say "It just happened." Sex doesn't just happen. It follows a series of steps, each one of which depended upon the participant making the choice to continue down that road.

If you wish to stay true to your marriage it is important that you first make a commitment to yourself and to your spouse to never do anything that might put you at risk. Have a moral code, a set of rules that will keep you from becoming emotionally engaged with a potential temptation.

1. Never allow yourself to be alone in the same room or home with a member of the opposite sex. If you have business to do with someone, stand on the porch, but don't go in. You will keep yourself safe from gossip and from the temptation to engage in a non-business dialog.

2. If you work in an office setting make the decision in advance to never work late with your secretary or anyone of the opposite sex. Our defenses become weak as night falls and we become more relaxed.

3. Are you sometimes asked to attend an after work get-together? Unless your spouse is meeting you there, kindly refuse. Office popularity is not as important as your marriage.

4. Make your love for your spouse and family common knowledge. Refuse to say anything negative about your spouse or your relationship even if you are having difficulties. If you need to talk about your troubles find an excellent family therapist and go with your spouse for help. If your spouse won't go, go by yourself.

5. Take a look at yourself and ask yourself what you can do to make your marriage better. What can you do today to make your spouse know how special they are to you and how much you appreciate them. Put all the passion, time and energy one might put into an affair into your marriage instead. I guarantee it will make a difference.

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