Merry Christmas!

I'm taking a break today from the blog, but I thought you might enjoy reading this. It was written by Jason Dougherty, a writer, musician and choral director. You can participate in creating his latest on-line novel at http://fictionfiction.blogspot.com. See you next week.

Is It Still a “Merry Christmas”?
By Jason Dougherty

As the years go on, the Christmas Spirit seems to be phasing out. More and more gifts are purchased each year during the holidays and Christmas lights are still illuminating neighborhood homes by droves, but the expression of merry wishes for the Christmas season has suddenly become taboo and many even find it offensive.

While preparing an informational letter to send home with my students, I found myself wanting to write “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” What if I offend someone? Am I maintaining a separation of church and state if I write “Merry Christmas”? Is it offensive for a non-Christian to read the words “Merry Christmas”?

I overheard someone saying to another: “I left you a gift in your box. It's just a non-denominational celebration gift for all the work you do for us.” Then, upon leaving work for the Christmas season, another person sent an email to fellow co-workers saying: “Happy Politically Correct day of non-specific Celebration.” Now this, of course, I found amusing and was obviously intended to be a joke. Nevertheless, I found it a little disheartening to ponder the thought that our society has come to embrace the social norm that it is not okay to come right out and say: “Merry Christmas.”

Political Correctness has overstepped its bounds if it means that you can no longer openly wish someone happy thoughts and glad tidings during a festive holiday season that your specific belief system calls “Christmas.”

If we’re not allowed to say “Merry Christmas” for fear of offending someone that does not specifically believe in Christmas, then perhaps we should not say “Happy Holidays” either because not everyone celebrates holidays during this time of year.

Now, I’ve lost track—is it still okay to say “Happy New Year”? I only ask because the Chinese and the Mayans, and many other cultures around the world celebrate the “New Year” at a different time other than our current calendar expiration.

What about “Happy Birthday”? There are some religions that do not celebrate birthdays. Perhaps we should refrain from telling anyone “Happy Birthday” as well. I mean, we don’t want to offend anyone now do we?

I can understand people becoming upset if we were to say things like “Have a terrible New Year,” or “Hope your Christmas is worse than labor pains,” but instead we are wishing happy thoughts, merry thoughts. So maybe the solution to the problem, then, is to never wish good things for people at all—someone might get offended!

The point of all this, of course, is that society is starting to forget what the “Christmas Spirit” is all about. It’s about a time for forgiveness, a time for joy, a time for peace, a time for love, a time for giving, a time for happiness, a time to let your inner child roam free, a time to forget about the stresses and sorrows of life and embrace all that is good in the world. The words “Merry Christmas” are not meant to offend, but are meant to share love and respect with a fellow member of mankind. If that person gets offended because you wished them well, there is nothing you can do about it.

Likewise, I would not take offense to someone wishing me Happy Chanukah or Happy Kwanza. On the contrary, I would take it as a kind gesture and be thankful to the person that mentioned it because that person just wished me happy and prosperous times during a season in which their specific beloved holiday happened to fall.

So I say, this year, be not afraid to express the words that mean so much more than the four syllables that make it. Political Correctness has no place telling you not to share your love for a wonderful time of year with others.

Don’t let the magic of Christmas be lost to fear of offending. People will always find something to be offended by. Instead, let the Christmas Spirit ride with you this season—no matter what your religion. The next time you see someone, regardless of their religious beliefs, tell them what you feel in your heart. Tell them: Merry Christmas.

If you feel so inclined, pass this on to your friends and loved ones. Help them remember what it means to say “Merry Christmas.”

3 Tips to a Happier Relationship

Because I have pneumonia this week I am writing just a few tidbits of information that are important in developing a better relationship.

1. Be your own spin doctor.

When couples frequently bring up past wrongs it is because they still feel that those wrongs need to be righted. When a woman feels scorned, she may carry that wound with her for a very long time and even though it isn’t logical to constantly bring it up, she does it because deep inside she wishes there was some way to stop the pain. So she looks to her spouse to have just the right words to say or to show her remorse by never doing anything wrong again.

The man just thinks he's being raked over the coals again. Before bringing up old business, I try to use a positive approach: "Remember when we talked before about spending less money? Have you thought any more about that? I'd like to hear what you think." That usually works better than a surprise attack. Notice the use of “I” messages here and how using them reduces the feeling of blame or entrapment.
No matter how bad you may feel, trying to put your partner into an uncomfortable or defensive position will not solve your issue. However, bringing it up all over again without resolution just may do more damage to the relationship.

2. Talk less, do more.

Some people just talk too much. Women are particularly good at this. Because being verbal comes naturally to us, we often use words as a defense mechanism; we use it to stay in control of the conversation, making us look the smartest, or the rightist. For women, conversation is how we solve problems. We like to talk.

Most men like to do things. Instead of trying to pull an all-nighter, talking until he falls asleep (and then getting angry at him for not staying awake during your “discussion,”) try another approach, one that he may be able to understand better like “doing” something differently. I've found that whenever I replace talk with action, I have greater success. Instead of telling him you want a long, delicious good-bye kiss, grab his lapels and show him!

3. Love the flaws.

A husband is there for every grumpy morning, every bad-hair day and every hormonal peak and valley. This used to seem unglamorous to me, like the bloom fading off the rose. Now I see a deeper love in the day-to-day existence. Anyone can carry on a grand passion from a distance. It takes a real lover to adore a human being, warts and all.

Once you stop demanding so much change and start appreciating his good points you will start feeling happier in the relationship. Remember you need to spend more time working on your contribution to a happy relationship because you are the only person you can control.

Positive In Positive Out

Most of the time, when a couple seeks me out for marriage counseling, they each come into my office with a hidden desire; a secret hope that I will point out their spouse’s faults and validate their agenda. More often than not, it is the wife who has made arrangements to get into therapy, believing that this is her last opportunity for her husband to be set straight. When therapy doesn’t go exactly as she expected, and I start expecting changes from her as well as from him, she gets angry at me and accuses me of not seeing her husband for who he “really” is.

One of the first things I learned while working with couples is that the one who complains the most is generally the one who needs to be set straight the most. Continual discontent with a partner is like a cancer to a relationship. The more the discontent is fed, the more it grows, and the longer it grows the more toxic it becomes. The one complaining becomes so focused on the faults of the other that they neglect to look at their own behavior and their negative contributions to the relationship.

“If he would just take out the garbage without being asked…” or “If she would just have dinner ready when I get home from work…” become the complainer’s personal mantra. They become both victim and martyr, while demonizing the person who was once the love of their life.

Relationships are like emotional savings accounts, we only get out of it what we have put into it. If we continue to put negativity into it, we will get negativity back out of it. And likewise, if we put more positive influences into it we will eventually have a storehouse of positive experiences to withdraw from it.

You may have heard the quote, “if you want to have a good friend, be a good friend.” This statement is so true in relationships. If you want to have a positive relationship you first have to become a positive influence to that relationship.

I’m not saying that this is an easy thing to do, especially if you have developed a habit of negativity. Destructive habits can be very difficult to change; and when you have convinced yourself that you aren’t the problem, it is even harder, but it is necessary.

And then there is the angry factor to deal with. So often when a couple is beginning to see that both individuals need to change their destructive patterns the issue of anger towards the other becomes the focus. How can one just turn off the weeks, months and years of stored up anger? The solution is easy; putting that solution into action can feel unbearable. The truth is, anger is a choice. You have to ask yourself “which investment is most important to me, my anger or my relationship?” Choosing to let go of the anger in order to save the relationship is a positive sign that there is hope for the relationship. Choosing to hold onto the anger is a sure sign that the marriage may fail.

Letting go of your anger means that you have to focus on your partners positive qualities more than you focus on their less positive traits. Begin to be appreciative of what you have with this person instead of becoming disgruntled about what you don’t yet have. Once you allow yourself to focus on the positive aspects of your partner’s contribution to the relationship, make a commitment to share your appreciation and to let them know that you notice the good things.

You cannot change another person, you can only change yourself; and when you do change yourself, your partner will reflexively begin to change for the better too.

Dealing With Conflict In Relationships

Everyone gets upset now and then. Even in the healthiest of relationships couples occasionally endure angry, uncomfortable outbursts. Over and over it has been shown that the way people argue can determine whether or not they are likely to divorce at some point So here I have compiled a list of things you can do to help get you through the difficult moments and back on track for the rest of your marriage.

1. Stay calm. You cannot be at your problem-solving best when you're angry. Come back to the situation when you're not angry, and you can have a whole new perspective. Let your partner know that you are too irrational to talk right now and that you will be back in 15 minutes to continue the discussion once you have your thoughts together and are calmer. Take that 15 minutes to walk and think or to journal write. Reduce your emotional reactions and formulate your thoughts and feelings into clear nonthreatening "I statements." (I feel, ...when, ...because,....)Try not to use the word You while making your thoughts and feelings clear because that is likely to infer a threat and will create defensive arguing again.

2. Also, pick your battles. You can't have a conflict over everything. That is known as 'kitchen sinking' -- bringing up things that happened five, 10 years ago. Bringing things up from the past is a way to not address the issues right in front of you; and they are generally said in hopes of hurting the other person to some degree.And THAT is never productive to working out angry themes.

3. Put your selfish wants and desires on the back burner. Selfishness is a leading cause of domestic violence and divorce. A mind-set of "I want..." & "what about me?" is sure to end in negative feelings towards you and in the overall relationship.

For a happy marriage, here's how to deal with conflict:

* bring up your concerns in a nonthreatening way. "Be nice. And don't be phony about it, as if you plan to smile and invite him into your web. Men can smell a trap a mile away. Make a commitment that you will in no way resort to any form of name calling - not even in jest. Character assassination will not get you want you ultimately want. S/he needs a person with whom s/he can feel safe, non-threatened and heard.

* Bring up specific issues or behaviors, rather than personality quirks & qualities. In a happy marriage, there's no attacking the person. Bring up the specific time, how you felt about it, then the other person can understand your need and can then change their behavior. Otherwise, they don't know what to do about it, they're boxed in."
* Use "I" statements. Instead of saying "you're such a messy person" say "I'm really bothered when there are clothes on the floor, because I feel calmer when the house is clean." Such statements show how you feel about a specific behavior, and that's important in a happy marriage. One is unlikely to change a behavior if they don't realize how it effects the other.
* Try to stay calm. Studies show that the calmer you are, the more you will be taken seriously. Take a breath, count to 10, breathe, breathe, breathe. Try to be nonthreatening.And focus on what your partner has to say too, not just what you are thinking about saying next.
* Take a break. If you're going back and forth, if you feel your blood pressure going up, take minutes or seconds. Don't take hours. If you take too long, it festers in the other person, they've had time analyze it; you're dismissing their feelings opinions, and you are dismissing them.
* Don't bring it up at night. Choose the right time -- not when people are tired, hungry, when the kids are all around, when you've got a deadline at work. Those are not best times."
* Consider your spouse's point of view, if you want a truly happy marriage. I'm a true believer in this. Studies show that every single action has a different meaning depending on if you are male, female, your race, your background. That is important to remember in conflict resolution. Just because you think a certain way doesn't mean your partner should see things your way. They are entitled to their thoughts and feelings just as well.

Research has shown, over and over again, that conflict itself is not important; but it is how you choose to work through that conflict that defines what course your marriage will take. How you handle it over the long haul, really is important to a happy marriage. I'm a firm believer in direct, meaningful & clear communication -- but you have to choose the right time."

Also, compromise is necessary in long-term relationships. But each partner has to feel that it's reciprocal. One can't feel that they're making all the compromises. When one spouse makes all the compromises, it's uncomfortable for both -- not just the one giving in.

A selfish person tends to believe that when they compromise or "give in" once in a while that they have given more than their share. That is because giving anything at all is so difficult that even the slightest offer feels enormous to them. In marriage both people have to give until it works and to some, that my be painful, - but in the long run the payoff will be great!

Friendship and Agreement are Key to Successful Marriage

In a marriage that is to stand the test of time, romance is important, but compatibility is critical. Partners in healthy marriages come to agree upon common agendas regarding the directions their marriage will take, and the way each partner will behave. These common agreements may never have been discussed, but they will be present in how each partner chooses to act.

Areas of agreement that partners will have dealt with will generally include:

* Friendship. Successful partners develop a significant friendship at the core of their relationship. They genuinely like one another, amuse and comfort one another, and prefer to spend time with each other. This friendship and mutual liking is somewhat separate from other aspects of the relationship (sexuality, for instance), and can survive the loss of these other aspects of the relationship. A strong friendship and mutual liking is often the core to repairing troubled relationships.

* Role expectations. In a healthy marriage each reaches an agreement regarding how household responsibilities are divided and how they will behave towards each other. Traditionally, and still dominantly, the man will take on the majority of financial obligations, while the woman will take on nurturing roles. Tradition has broken down significantly in the industrialized west over the last century, however, and it is not at all uncommon to find 'women' who take on financial obligations, 'men' who take on nurturing roles, or to find both partners sharing these roles to one degree or another. But it is the couples agreement about who will be in charge of what that is essential to marital bliss. Failure to reach agreement regarding roles can be a major source of conflict.

These are only two more keys to a successful marriage. More will be covered in future blogs.

Marriage is Good For Your Health

Couples in conflict-ridden marriages take longer than happily married couples to heal from all kinds of wounds, from minor scrapes or athletic injuries to major surgery.

This new research, reported at the American Psychosomatic Society adds to growing evidence that marriage has a huge impact on health.

"Even a simple disagreement slows wound healing," says psychologist Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, of Ohio State University College of Medicine.

In this study, hostile couples who use criticism, sarcasm and put-downs, healed the slowest. It took them 40 percent longer - two more days - to heal.

On the upside, good marriages can decrease your blood pressure, increase your immune system and even lower your risk for major diseases such as cancer and heart attack. "You may not be able to get away from the job stress," says Dr. Baker, "but a good marriage soothes people which minimizing the effects of stress from their job."

People just don’t realize how much their marriage can affect the rest of their life. Dr. Kayser has studied how couples cope with the stress of a wife's diagnosis of breast cancer. She writes, "How the marriage helps or hurts tends to come out more during a crisis," she says, "but our marriages are affecting our health and well-being all the time."

Recipe for A Happy Marriage:

1 cup consideration

1 cup courtesy

2 cupfuls flattery carefully concealed

1 gallon faith and trust in each other

2 cupfuls praise

1 small pinch of in-laws

1 reasonable budget, a generous dash of cooperation

3 teaspoon pure extract of "I'm sorry"

1 cup contentment

1 cup each confidence and encouragement

1 large or several small hobbies

1 cup blindness to the other's faults

Flavor with frequent portions of recreation and a dash of happy memories. Stir well and remove any specks of jealousy, temper or criticism. Sweeten well with generous portions of love and keep warm with a steady flame of devotion. Never serve with cold shoulder.

The Need For Affection

I was 17 when I left home for college. I made arrangements to stay with my friend's family near to my school. Within a few days I was moved in and comfortable; that was, until I stumbled into the kitchen one afternoon and discovered my friend's parents lovingly embraced, with their arms around each other, talking. When I turned to exit the kitchen my friend's mother said, "Karen, come on in, we're just talking." Embarrassed, I excused myself anyway.

I had come from a home where physical affection was seldom expressed, especially between my parents. But it wasn't long before I realized that my friend's parents had something I wanted; an openly affectionate relationship. Their closeness wasn't foreplay, it was just an expression of their love for one another.

All to often, after we become comfortable with our special someone, we relax to the point of forgetting to court each other on a daily basis. We forget how important our affection is to our partner and we forget how important it is to maintaining a loving relationship. How often have you heard someone complain that the only time their partner is affectionate is when they want sex. It is a favorite theme in sit-coms. But if you want your relationship to flourish, don't let it become a regular theme in yours.If it has been a while since you have openly displayed your affection, take a moment to let your special someone know that you realize that this is an area in your life that needs to change and that you are willing to start the ball rolling. That way when you walk up from behind for a quick hug, s/he won't be too surprised.

Most of us have heard the phrase, "a good marriage takes a lot of work." This is something you can start today that doesn't have to feel like work. But it can make a positive impact on your life together. Don't just think about change, create change!

Become Each Other's Best Friend

What are the secrets to creating a lifelong love? Well, there aren’t any real secrets, but there are a lot of things that you can do to make your marriage happy and fulfilling. Here is one of the most important ones. I will cover some of the others in future blogs.

Be Each Other’s Best Friend

Ask yourself, “How do I treat my friends?” and “How do I treat my partner differently?” Erma Bombeck once wrote a piece about how strange it would be if we treated our friends the same way we treated out family at the dinner table. We’d invite our friends to dinner, but before we ate we’d ask them if they washed their hands first – “did you use soap?. When they pass on the veggies we get gruff and tell them that if they don’t eat their spinach they won’t get any dessert, and so on. Of course we treat visitors a little differently than family, but overall we need to be as respectful to our spouse as we would anyone else – perhaps even more so.

How often do you play together? When was the last time that you shared a good joke together? How often do you plan time just to hang out, relax and enjoy each other’s company? What do you enjoy doing with your friends that you could also enjoy with your partner? How comfortable are you sharing personal thoughts and feelings with your wife/husband? How good are you at listening without getting upset at what is being said? These are very important questions to answer as the quality of your relationship depends on the quantity and the quality of your time together.

Plan time in your life to be your partner’s friend, and make a commitment to be a great friend to him/her. Act like you did when you were first getting to know each other, happy, vulnerable, energized. Marriage is a lot of work, and most couples will agree with that statement; but all too often we forget to do that work. We begin to take each other for granted and we fall into a routine that doesn’t include enough positive time together.

So, get out your date book and make a date, right now. Putting it off may indicate the beginning of the end. Don’t let that happen.

Fighting in front of Children

It is never alright to fight in front of children. I used to be said that kids need to learn, through observation, how to fight so that they will know how to be in a relationship someday. That has been studied and proven over and over that this idea is clearly as damaging to families as divorce.

Now, because of recent longitudinal studies that have been done (taken over 20-30 year periods)we now know that children are in fact deeply scarred by living with parent’s that quarrel and fight within earshot of the children. Interior home walls are generally not insulated and the sound travels quite freely from one room to the next. And when parents are speaking loudly, you can bet that the children are hearing everything. Their anxiety rises as the tones and threats in the argument increase in intensity. And children can always imagine that their parent’s fight is the child’s fault

Children don’t know how to protect themselves from the pain that is welling up inside them and they feel helpless to run away. So they become prisoners in their own personal torture chamber, a prison, their bedroom; the same place where they are expected to find comfort and peace a few hours later so they can drift happily off to sleep. This will never happen. The child will lay awake feeling physical anxiety because they didn’t have the right arena to express their fears and feelings so they internalize their pain. Young children will automatically find reasons that s/he was the reason for the fight. Perhaps they heard their name among all the other words spoken in anger. Or perhaps earlier in the day or week they were scolded for something and now they believe that they are the problem that is being fought about. They worry that it will be their fault if the parents split up. Kids can create the most elaborate ideas about how it was their entire fault that bad things happen in their home. This is way too much pressure and responsibility for a young, underdeveloped child to have to deal with.

They may zone out, curl up in the corner or on their bed. They may even come to you and beg you to stop fighting. Sadly when this happens, either the child is not even acknowledged or s/he becomes another target for the angry parent. “Get back to your room. Can’t you hear me?! If your room isn’t clean in 10 minutes you know I’ll be coming after you next!” Even if this only happens once every week or two, it is enough to change the character and personality of your child for the worse…and for the rest of his/her life. Whatever your selfish motivation is to continue a disagreement with your partner, it is NEVER worth the damage to your children that fighting will inflict. Close your doors and keep your voice down no matter how angry you get. S/He isn't listening to you when you are yelling anyway - but the kids are. Be the parent they need you to be.