For many of us, family is the focus of the holiday season. However, for some, geting together with extended family can be stressful and even unpleasant. Religious differences, problematic relationships and blended families can create difficulties when it comes to planning family gatherings. Sometimes our most important relationships, our spouse and children, are adversely affected by our desire to please everyone but them.

Here is a good rule of thumb to follow when making decisions this holiday season.

1. Don’t pressure your partner to make changes to suit your family of origin (grandparents, siblings etc.). Creating discord between you immediate family, because you want to be the “good child” in your parent’s eyes, sends a message to your immediate family that you are less concerned about their feelings than you are about your parent's feelings. Put your own family first and make plans that will ultimately keep peace in your own home.

2. This is your holiday too. Now is the time to be creating your own family traditions. What do you want your children to remember – excitedly anticipating the traditions you have created for them, or watching you sweat as they are dragged to stressful events? Holiday dinners with extended family can strengthen bonds with loved ones when family members treat each other well. However, if history has shown that your family gatherings are stressful, contentious or abusive, staying away may be the best way for you to show your love to your own family. Create happy memories by inviting friends to join you and your family, go away for the holiday or plan activities that your children and partner enjoy.

3. Respect your extended family's plans for celebrating the holiday somewhere else. As parents and grandparents get older they often find celebrating with family a tiring event. If they choose not to celebrate with you, honor their decision by maintaining your own plans for the day. Let them know they will be missed and that you will get together with them soon. It is important for you to acknowledge and graciously accept their decision to spend the holiday with others. It isn’t personal. It is just their choice.

With people living longer healthier lives we might find ourselves dealing with several generations of family traditions. Just remember that you only get one go around in this life and your immediate family deserves your full and undivided attention. Your parents had their go around. Now it’s your turn.