Positive In Positive Out

Most of the time, when a couple seeks me out for marriage counseling, they each come into my office with a hidden desire; a secret hope that I will point out their spouse’s faults and validate their agenda. More often than not, it is the wife who has made arrangements to get into therapy, believing that this is her last opportunity for her husband to be set straight. When therapy doesn’t go exactly as she expected, and I start expecting changes from her as well as from him, she gets angry at me and accuses me of not seeing her husband for who he “really” is.

One of the first things I learned while working with couples is that the one who complains the most is generally the one who needs to be set straight the most. Continual discontent with a partner is like a cancer to a relationship. The more the discontent is fed, the more it grows, and the longer it grows the more toxic it becomes. The one complaining becomes so focused on the faults of the other that they neglect to look at their own behavior and their negative contributions to the relationship.

“If he would just take out the garbage without being asked…” or “If she would just have dinner ready when I get home from work…” become the complainer’s personal mantra. They become both victim and martyr, while demonizing the person who was once the love of their life.

Relationships are like emotional savings accounts, we only get out of it what we have put into it. If we continue to put negativity into it, we will get negativity back out of it. And likewise, if we put more positive influences into it we will eventually have a storehouse of positive experiences to withdraw from it.

You may have heard the quote, “if you want to have a good friend, be a good friend.” This statement is so true in relationships. If you want to have a positive relationship you first have to become a positive influence to that relationship.

I’m not saying that this is an easy thing to do, especially if you have developed a habit of negativity. Destructive habits can be very difficult to change; and when you have convinced yourself that you aren’t the problem, it is even harder, but it is necessary.

And then there is the angry factor to deal with. So often when a couple is beginning to see that both individuals need to change their destructive patterns the issue of anger towards the other becomes the focus. How can one just turn off the weeks, months and years of stored up anger? The solution is easy; putting that solution into action can feel unbearable. The truth is, anger is a choice. You have to ask yourself “which investment is most important to me, my anger or my relationship?” Choosing to let go of the anger in order to save the relationship is a positive sign that there is hope for the relationship. Choosing to hold onto the anger is a sure sign that the marriage may fail.

Letting go of your anger means that you have to focus on your partners positive qualities more than you focus on their less positive traits. Begin to be appreciative of what you have with this person instead of becoming disgruntled about what you don’t yet have. Once you allow yourself to focus on the positive aspects of your partner’s contribution to the relationship, make a commitment to share your appreciation and to let them know that you notice the good things.

You cannot change another person, you can only change yourself; and when you do change yourself, your partner will reflexively begin to change for the better too.

Dealing With Conflict In Relationships

Everyone gets upset now and then. Even in the healthiest of relationships couples occasionally endure angry, uncomfortable outbursts. Over and over it has been shown that the way people argue can determine whether or not they are likely to divorce at some point So here I have compiled a list of things you can do to help get you through the difficult moments and back on track for the rest of your marriage.

1. Stay calm. You cannot be at your problem-solving best when you're angry. Come back to the situation when you're not angry, and you can have a whole new perspective. Let your partner know that you are too irrational to talk right now and that you will be back in 15 minutes to continue the discussion once you have your thoughts together and are calmer. Take that 15 minutes to walk and think or to journal write. Reduce your emotional reactions and formulate your thoughts and feelings into clear nonthreatening "I statements." (I feel, ...when, ...because,....)Try not to use the word You while making your thoughts and feelings clear because that is likely to infer a threat and will create defensive arguing again.

2. Also, pick your battles. You can't have a conflict over everything. That is known as 'kitchen sinking' -- bringing up things that happened five, 10 years ago. Bringing things up from the past is a way to not address the issues right in front of you; and they are generally said in hopes of hurting the other person to some degree.And THAT is never productive to working out angry themes.

3. Put your selfish wants and desires on the back burner. Selfishness is a leading cause of domestic violence and divorce. A mind-set of "I want..." & "what about me?" is sure to end in negative feelings towards you and in the overall relationship.

For a happy marriage, here's how to deal with conflict:

* bring up your concerns in a nonthreatening way. "Be nice. And don't be phony about it, as if you plan to smile and invite him into your web. Men can smell a trap a mile away. Make a commitment that you will in no way resort to any form of name calling - not even in jest. Character assassination will not get you want you ultimately want. S/he needs a person with whom s/he can feel safe, non-threatened and heard.

* Bring up specific issues or behaviors, rather than personality quirks & qualities. In a happy marriage, there's no attacking the person. Bring up the specific time, how you felt about it, then the other person can understand your need and can then change their behavior. Otherwise, they don't know what to do about it, they're boxed in."
* Use "I" statements. Instead of saying "you're such a messy person" say "I'm really bothered when there are clothes on the floor, because I feel calmer when the house is clean." Such statements show how you feel about a specific behavior, and that's important in a happy marriage. One is unlikely to change a behavior if they don't realize how it effects the other.
* Try to stay calm. Studies show that the calmer you are, the more you will be taken seriously. Take a breath, count to 10, breathe, breathe, breathe. Try to be nonthreatening.And focus on what your partner has to say too, not just what you are thinking about saying next.
* Take a break. If you're going back and forth, if you feel your blood pressure going up, take minutes or seconds. Don't take hours. If you take too long, it festers in the other person, they've had time analyze it; you're dismissing their feelings opinions, and you are dismissing them.
* Don't bring it up at night. Choose the right time -- not when people are tired, hungry, when the kids are all around, when you've got a deadline at work. Those are not best times."
* Consider your spouse's point of view, if you want a truly happy marriage. I'm a true believer in this. Studies show that every single action has a different meaning depending on if you are male, female, your race, your background. That is important to remember in conflict resolution. Just because you think a certain way doesn't mean your partner should see things your way. They are entitled to their thoughts and feelings just as well.

Research has shown, over and over again, that conflict itself is not important; but it is how you choose to work through that conflict that defines what course your marriage will take. How you handle it over the long haul, really is important to a happy marriage. I'm a firm believer in direct, meaningful & clear communication -- but you have to choose the right time."

Also, compromise is necessary in long-term relationships. But each partner has to feel that it's reciprocal. One can't feel that they're making all the compromises. When one spouse makes all the compromises, it's uncomfortable for both -- not just the one giving in.

A selfish person tends to believe that when they compromise or "give in" once in a while that they have given more than their share. That is because giving anything at all is so difficult that even the slightest offer feels enormous to them. In marriage both people have to give until it works and to some, that my be painful, - but in the long run the payoff will be great!