Positive In Positive Out

Most of the time, when a couple seeks me out for marriage counseling, they each come into my office with a hidden desire; a secret hope that I will point out their spouse’s faults and validate their agenda. More often than not, it is the wife who has made arrangements to get into therapy, believing that this is her last opportunity for her husband to be set straight. When therapy doesn’t go exactly as she expected, and I start expecting changes from her as well as from him, she gets angry at me and accuses me of not seeing her husband for who he “really” is.

One of the first things I learned while working with couples is that the one who complains the most is generally the one who needs to be set straight the most. Continual discontent with a partner is like a cancer to a relationship. The more the discontent is fed, the more it grows, and the longer it grows the more toxic it becomes. The one complaining becomes so focused on the faults of the other that they neglect to look at their own behavior and their negative contributions to the relationship.

“If he would just take out the garbage without being asked…” or “If she would just have dinner ready when I get home from work…” become the complainer’s personal mantra. They become both victim and martyr, while demonizing the person who was once the love of their life.

Relationships are like emotional savings accounts, we only get out of it what we have put into it. If we continue to put negativity into it, we will get negativity back out of it. And likewise, if we put more positive influences into it we will eventually have a storehouse of positive experiences to withdraw from it.

You may have heard the quote, “if you want to have a good friend, be a good friend.” This statement is so true in relationships. If you want to have a positive relationship you first have to become a positive influence to that relationship.

I’m not saying that this is an easy thing to do, especially if you have developed a habit of negativity. Destructive habits can be very difficult to change; and when you have convinced yourself that you aren’t the problem, it is even harder, but it is necessary.

And then there is the angry factor to deal with. So often when a couple is beginning to see that both individuals need to change their destructive patterns the issue of anger towards the other becomes the focus. How can one just turn off the weeks, months and years of stored up anger? The solution is easy; putting that solution into action can feel unbearable. The truth is, anger is a choice. You have to ask yourself “which investment is most important to me, my anger or my relationship?” Choosing to let go of the anger in order to save the relationship is a positive sign that there is hope for the relationship. Choosing to hold onto the anger is a sure sign that the marriage may fail.

Letting go of your anger means that you have to focus on your partners positive qualities more than you focus on their less positive traits. Begin to be appreciative of what you have with this person instead of becoming disgruntled about what you don’t yet have. Once you allow yourself to focus on the positive aspects of your partner’s contribution to the relationship, make a commitment to share your appreciation and to let them know that you notice the good things.

You cannot change another person, you can only change yourself; and when you do change yourself, your partner will reflexively begin to change for the better too.