3 Tips to a Happier Relationship

Because I have pneumonia this week I am writing just a few tidbits of information that are important in developing a better relationship.

1. Be your own spin doctor.

When couples frequently bring up past wrongs it is because they still feel that those wrongs need to be righted. When a woman feels scorned, she may carry that wound with her for a very long time and even though it isn’t logical to constantly bring it up, she does it because deep inside she wishes there was some way to stop the pain. So she looks to her spouse to have just the right words to say or to show her remorse by never doing anything wrong again.

The man just thinks he's being raked over the coals again. Before bringing up old business, I try to use a positive approach: "Remember when we talked before about spending less money? Have you thought any more about that? I'd like to hear what you think." That usually works better than a surprise attack. Notice the use of “I” messages here and how using them reduces the feeling of blame or entrapment.
No matter how bad you may feel, trying to put your partner into an uncomfortable or defensive position will not solve your issue. However, bringing it up all over again without resolution just may do more damage to the relationship.

2. Talk less, do more.

Some people just talk too much. Women are particularly good at this. Because being verbal comes naturally to us, we often use words as a defense mechanism; we use it to stay in control of the conversation, making us look the smartest, or the rightist. For women, conversation is how we solve problems. We like to talk.

Most men like to do things. Instead of trying to pull an all-nighter, talking until he falls asleep (and then getting angry at him for not staying awake during your “discussion,”) try another approach, one that he may be able to understand better like “doing” something differently. I've found that whenever I replace talk with action, I have greater success. Instead of telling him you want a long, delicious good-bye kiss, grab his lapels and show him!

3. Love the flaws.

A husband is there for every grumpy morning, every bad-hair day and every hormonal peak and valley. This used to seem unglamorous to me, like the bloom fading off the rose. Now I see a deeper love in the day-to-day existence. Anyone can carry on a grand passion from a distance. It takes a real lover to adore a human being, warts and all.

Once you stop demanding so much change and start appreciating his good points you will start feeling happier in the relationship. Remember you need to spend more time working on your contribution to a happy relationship because you are the only person you can control.