Getting What you Focus On

Why is it that we can so easily become so focused on our partner's faults that we let ourselves place our emotional energy on the negative instead of looking for and being grateful for the wonderful things about them that attracted us to begin with?

First we start to think about something that our partner does or doesn't do that annoys us, scares us or otherwise goes against our grain.

Then we begin to become resentful that they don't seem to be changing and becoming the person we wish them to be.

Finally we make attempts to control them, belittle them and/or complain about their supposed flaw.

The end result is that we train ourselves to focus on the negative instead of appreciating all the positives. And our partner begins to feel guilty, oppositional, and/or worthless.

Perhaps our man doesn't want to eat "girl food" and instead eats pizza and burgers. We may complain about it, ridicule him for it try to control his eating behaviors and in the end we become so worked up about food that we make the matter worse and our relationship begins to suffer.

Wouldn't it be better to stop trying to change our partner and instead focus our energy on loving them? Focusing on all the wonderful things s/he does to enrich our life, to bring happiness to our home and to make us smile would be a much better way to relate to them. And in the end, regardless of how much pizza he eats. both of you will be happier. Your children will grow up in a loving home and by seeing your example, they will learn how to pick their battles.

Of course all of us falter from time to time, and that doesn't mean your marriage is in trouble. If your moments of dissatisfaction are infrequent just acknowledging that you made a mistake and apologizing will go a very log way. Catching yourself and repairing the damage will help you to refrain from saying something negative the next time he does something you don't like.

There are no perfect people out there, and even if their were, they would have habits and quirks that occasionally annoyed us. So make a list of all the reasons you love your partner. Then think about how lucky you are to have that person in your life.