When You Disagree about Politics

Religion and politics are topics that can create hostility and even feelings of hopelessness. In intimate relationships it is not uncommon for a couple to decide not to vote because of their differing views and opinions. More than once I hear my mother say that she wasn't going to vote because her vote would only cancel out my father's vote. She was a democrat and he a republican.

Now as an avidly voting adult I can see the irrational excuse she used to keep from voting. If everyone used that rationale the election results would have to be decided ahead of time and then only those voting for the winning team, and only the number of voters who made the difference between winning and loosing, would be allowed to vote.

The truth is that EVERY VOTE COUNTS! Of course there will be someone somewhere who will vote opposite you, but that in no way nullifies your vote. Statisticians have for decades have understood that if every citizen actually voted our American history, and certainly our future might be very different.

So next week, ditch all of the rationalizations and take the opportunity, given only to those living in a free society, and express yourself, regardless of how your partner is voting. If keeping silent about your opinion will keep the peace at home, take about something you both can agree on, like making love or going for a drive in the country.

Necessary Differences Between Moms & Dads

Well once again I have just returned from Las Vegas - where I spend time with my family and little granddaughters. There are few intimate relationships in life more rewarding than that between a grandmother and her granddaughter. Mine are aged 20 months and 12 days old. Of course they are the smartest and the most beautiful little girls I've ever seen. And best of all, they have the finest parents God could have offered them.

My daughter-in-law is terrific. She is constantly thinking of ways to perfect her parenting skills and to keep her marriage intimate and fulfilling at the same time. And now with two little babies to care for, it can seem like a daunting task. She was blessed with the personality and the determination to do it. But many young mothers were not so blessed.

Parenting can quickly become another issue who's roots are deeply intertwined in the differences between male and female behaviors. Like it or not, men and women are different creatures and they behave toward their children in differing ways. Most mothers have a strong sense of protection with their children. This is an instinctual response that in previous eras was necessary to keep children from being being eaten by predators, falling off cliffs or eating a poisonous mushroom.

Mothers are generally the caretakers and the nurturers of the family. They fix boo-boos with kisses and they read one extra book at bedtime to make their little ones happy. Moms are often the disciplinarian during the day while dad is at work.

Dads on the other hand have a strong sense of providing for his family financially as well as providing discipline to the kids. He takes discipline seriously and can be impatient with mom's softer ways of dealing with broken rules. He is likely to take quick action, and in a matter of fact way, stop the behavior, explain why that behavior is not tolerated and provide the consequence for misbehavior all in less than a minute. Moms often see this as angry intolerance or being "mean." In fact, it never has to be either angry or mean. It is just the man's general way of dealing with life that he applies to his family.

I like to think of it in terms of grocery shopping. For many women, going to the grocery store is an exercise in finding the very best foods for the very best price. She reads labels, puts menus together in her mind and thinks about the likes and dislikes of each family member. She wants them to enjoy their meals but she also wants the food to be healthy and financially feasible.

Men on the other hand create either a mental or physical grocery list prior to going to the store. Once there they rush in the door, mechanically locate each item on their list and quickly hit the checkout counter. They get the job done in a matter of fact way without all of the peripheral emotional side trips. The job still gets done, just in a different way.

The same is true for a father's parenting technique. He can lovingly but swiftly take care of the problem at hand and get the results he desires - the child learns that daddy means what he says, that he will always enforce the rules and implement the consequences and that he does it with great love and a desire for the child to become a self-motivated rule keeper.

Neither the mother's nor the father's approach is better than the other. In fact it is, once again, another reason children need both a mom and a dad. They need the strong disciplinary hand and they also need the tenderness and comfort a mother can bring to the situation.

So the next time you see your spouse dealing with the children differently than you might have, step back and appreciate how lucky your children are to be able to experience both techniques. Be grateful that they are learning by your examples that it is OK for men and women to be different. Help them understand that there is always more than one way to accomplish a goal.

Can People Fall Out of Love?

Can people just fall out of love?

No. Love is an intense emotion that is strengthened over time. It is not something that is there one day and gone the next. Love is not the same as physical attraction and it is not the same as neediness. Love is a feeling of unconditional acceptance of and appreciation for another's talents, personality, thoughts and beliefs.

One of the main causes for the breakdown in marriages is that people don't spend enough time together. They take their marriages and their spouses for granted. The breakdown happens slowly, almost invisibly as each person begins to rearrange their priorities, taking more and more time away from each other. They allow work, the kids, soccer games, community activities, extended family obligations, and hobbies to becomes more important than spending time together. When this happens, people grow apart. They become two strangers passing in the night. They're no longer a team. And, because they're distant, the little time they do spend together is unfulfilling and void of intimacy.

This distance and alienation sometimes fools people into thinking they've fallen out of love. They feel numb. They can't imagine ever re-igniting those loving feelings. But the truth is, the love hasn't been destroyed, it's just camouflaged beneath the numbness. By acknowledging the mistakes and re-doing the family priorities to include more quality time together, the feelings of warmth, connection, friendship and intimacy can be restored.

Divorce is the lazy way to deal with a marriage that has become unfulfilling. Divorce in most cases is simply a way to escape looking at how each has contaminated the relationship and let it spin out of control. But the truth is that most marriages can not only be saved, they can be transformed into a welcome and nurturing part of life. It just requires a commitment to each other and to spending more time together.
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The Secret to a Life-long Marriage

Want to know the secret to a good marriage - the miracle of a life-long relationship? OK, let me tell you. Brace yourself, take notes if you must...

The secret to a life-long, happy marriage is you. That's right, you have the power to make your relationship eternally happy, and learning to utilize that power is easy. Here's what you do. Every time you get frustrated, board or unhappy in your relationship choose to do something about it, something positive. Ask yourself what you can do to make your spouse a little happier, a little less bored or a little less frustrated.

If you are having negative thoughts or feelings about your marriage you can bet that your spouse is too. And the best way to turn your negative thoughts and feelings into positive ones is to do something positive for your spouse. Your act of kindness will light a spark that will result in wonderful happy moments with each other.

When you said "I do" you were making a covenant to love, honor and cherish your spouse. Notice that there is nothing in the marriage ceremony about how you will make sure your desires are met. You covenanted to make your partner happy and to make your marriage happy. As with most things in life, your marriage is not all about you. But it is up to you to make yourself happy by making your partner feel cherished, loved and appreciated.

Have you noticed how people will automatically smile at you if they see you smiling at them? It is the same in intimate relationships. When you smile and lovingly pamper your spouse, your efforts will be reciprocated in kind. Do this every day of your life and you will be guaranteed a lifetime of marital fulfillment.

It sounds so simple, and in a way it is. The hard part is making the commitment to change the way you think, and to acknowledge that you have the ability to turn your marriage around. Try it. After all, what do you have to loose? Choosing to remain miserable, believing that your spouse should be the hero, may result in the loss of your family?

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Infidelity - Who's to Blame?

The divorce rate in the US is now up to 57% and in about 2/3's of those divorces infidelity is a factor. What causes a spouse to look outside of marriage for emotional or sexual fulfillment? Who is to blame? And how can you stop yourself from cheating?

The causes of infidelity are many. But just as with domestic violence, the victim is never to blame. Whether the cheating is with another person, with pornographic sources or another venue, infidelity is always a choice. One spouse, for various reasons and rationalizations, makes a choice to find sexual pleasure outside of the marriage. Almost always it is a result of the players selfishness and insensitivity toward the remaining spouse.

It never ceases to amaze me at how the offending spouse can create countless reasons for blaming the non-offending spouse. And it also amazes me how often the non-offending spouse takes on the blame. I don't care how "cold" the spouse was, or how much weight they have gained, there is NO excuse for turning outside the marriage to satisfy emotional or physical needs.

How often I have heard an offending spouse say "It just happened." Sex doesn't just happen. It follows a series of steps, each one of which depended upon the participant making the choice to continue down that road.

If you wish to stay true to your marriage it is important that you first make a commitment to yourself and to your spouse to never do anything that might put you at risk. Have a moral code, a set of rules that will keep you from becoming emotionally engaged with a potential temptation.

1. Never allow yourself to be alone in the same room or home with a member of the opposite sex. If you have business to do with someone, stand on the porch, but don't go in. You will keep yourself safe from gossip and from the temptation to engage in a non-business dialog.

2. If you work in an office setting make the decision in advance to never work late with your secretary or anyone of the opposite sex. Our defenses become weak as night falls and we become more relaxed.

3. Are you sometimes asked to attend an after work get-together? Unless your spouse is meeting you there, kindly refuse. Office popularity is not as important as your marriage.

4. Make your love for your spouse and family common knowledge. Refuse to say anything negative about your spouse or your relationship even if you are having difficulties. If you need to talk about your troubles find an excellent family therapist and go with your spouse for help. If your spouse won't go, go by yourself.

5. Take a look at yourself and ask yourself what you can do to make your marriage better. What can you do today to make your spouse know how special they are to you and how much you appreciate them. Put all the passion, time and energy one might put into an affair into your marriage instead. I guarantee it will make a difference.

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Restraining Orders and Self Protection

Unfortunately some intimate relationships end badly. The couple separates and a restraining order is filed.

A restraining order is a legal order of protection for someone who has been or who feels victimized by another person. Most restraining orders specify how far the person in question has to stay away from the person who filed. It also lists other legal boundaries that need to be enforced such as no phone calls, emails, or any other direct or indirect communication with the victim.

The biggest problems that I see with most couples who have a restraining order in place is 1. the victim breaches the order by initiating or allowing contact with the perpetrator 2. the victim doesn't report all of the perpetrators attempts at contact 3. family members don't take the restraining order seriously and allow themselves to be used as go-betweens.

Restraining orders are not awarded haphazardly and they need to be respected and honored by everyone involved. If the victim chooses to disregard the restraining order in any way it automatically becomes null and void, rendering it useless. Law officers cannot take action if the order has been violated by the victim.

Family members will always take sides in a family dispute, but it is important for them to refuse to breach a restraining order. they should never pass on messages for the perpetrator regardless of how innocent they believe him/her to be. Doing so can put their loved one in legal or physical jeopardy.

The person who filed the restraining order should keep an accurate and detailed list of all attempts at contact the perpetrator makes. List dates, times and the action taken. Then call and report the attempted contact to the police. Neglecting to report attempted breaches will only cause the perpetrator to believe that you have no desire to enforce the order. And that can lead to devastating results.

Overcome the Stress of Moving

With the housing market in the US causing people to relocate at an alarming rate I thought it appropriate to blog about the stress of moving on marriage and other intimate relationships.

The stress caused by relocating is 2nd only to the death of a loved one. And like dealing with a death, it takes about 2 years before a family fully recuperates and begins to feel at home in their new location. This is true even when you have only moved a few blocks, but the stress a family experiences can be exacerbated by factors such as financial difficulties, starting a new job, children starting in new schools, and leaving friends and family behind.

Even the most loving and committed couple can suffer periods of anxiety and marital discord during and after a move. For couples who are already dealing with threats to their relationship, moving may become the relationships final blow.

If relocating is in your future here are some ways to get through it without damaging your family happiness.

1. Stay well within your budget when choosing a place to rent or purchase. Few things create discord more intensely than getting into a home that is putting a strain on your wallet. It is much wiser to choose fewer bells and whistles and maintain family harmony.

2. Hire professional movers. Call the chamber of commerce and Better Business Bureau to find out if the moving company you are considering has any complaints against it and how the company responded to the complaints.

3. Helping to alleviate your child's stress will also alleviate yours. Take your child with you when choosing a new home. Show them the school they will attend as well as the parks, church building and library they will be living near.

4. Be kind to each other. Share your happiness as well as your concerns with each other. Include your partner in all of the decisions that have to be made regarding the move.

5. After moving in have a getting to know you party for your family. Invite neighbors and church members and school mates. Get involved in the community as quickly as possible in order to make friends and increase your support network.

6. Spend time together getting to know the new area. Take turns driving to major shopping areas and other local business. Take walks in the neighborhood together and locate museums, historical landmarks and picnic areas where you can spend time together.

7. Listen to each other. After a few months, if your partner begins to complain of loneliness or depression be sensitive. Make plans to visit old friends and family during the next holiday or long weekend. Do what you can to spend more time together.

Moving is stressful enough with packing, choosing a new home, and working to fit in to a new community. But by following a few easy steps you can reduce that stress to manageable levels.