Who Should Wear the Pants in Your Home?

When it comes to making major decisions every couple has their unwritten rules. Some agree to discuss the situation and make a decision together; others agree to assign one person the final decision making role and some make decisions independently without regard to their spouses opinion. Whatever the "rules" are the most important factor is how each person feels about them.

The idea of designating one partner as the "decision maker" might seem painfully old fashioned to some people but if that is the arrangement that each is happy with and has agreed to, who is to say that it isn't right.

All of us go into relationships with certain expectations of ourselves and of each other. It is when those expectations aren't discussed and agreed upon that trouble happens. Someone with "old-fashioned" values who marries someone who expects to relate on a level playing field, is likely to have difficulty when the two sets of expectations collide.

If you haven't already discussed at length your expectations of each other, make it a high priority to do so before getting into a committed relationship. If you are already in a committed relationship then talking about "the rules" and coming to an agreement with one another will help prevent future problems.

It doesn't matter how long you have known each other, s/he cannot read your mind nor assume your wishes. Only by expressing your expectations and desires will each of you get your needs met.

Emotional Needs and Relationships

All people have emotional needs, and in an intimate relationship meeting each other's most important emotional needs is paramount if you are to develop a fulfilling companionship.

Years of interviews have shown that there are 10 emotional needs that are typically the most important in a marriage: admiration, affection, conversation, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment.

Funny thing though, when asked to list these needs in order of priority men almost always list them one way while women list them the opposite way. Is it any wonder then that couples grow apart? We tend to do for the other what we think is most important, and that is rarely what is most important to our partner. We just keep missing the mark, and we get frustrated because we don't understand why.

So if you really want to make a positive difference in your marriage, ask your partner to list his or her emotional needs in order of priority. Then keep that list close at hand so that you can do your part to make sure their most important needs are met.

Marriage is about pleasing each other and creating a happy union. Too often we become selfish and begin to complain that our needs aren't being met. We forget that our partner has needs too. So get back on track by doing this simple exercise and your marriage and your level of happiness is bound to improve.

Reducing Resentment in Your Relationship

We live in a busy world. And because couples are beginning to wait to get married until their mid-to late 20’s they often bring well developed hobbies and lifestyles into their new relationship. While we are dating it may feel endearing to know that our man is still in touch with his inner child, but after the lifelong commitment has been made we may find it aggravating that he still wants to spend so much money and time on computer games.

He may have found your girlish inability to make a decision amusing while you were dating, but now he feels burdened with all choices that have to be made regarding the household responsibilities. Eventually he may even begin to see you as a child rather than his equal partner.

Both scenarios are very common in committed relationships. We are so blinded when we are falling in love, but once the real world gets back on track, some of those hobbies, habits and traits will have to evolve if you are to develop a permanent loving relationship.

One way to begin to close the door on some emerging resentment is to take a good look at your partner’s likes and dislikes. Choose one thing he dislikes and make a commitment to never cross that line, i.e. if he cannot stand wearing “pink” socks, then commit to wash his white clothes separately from the rest.

Then choose something he does like and educate yourself on the subject well enough to participate in the activity with him.

For instance, if he loves to fish, learn something about fishing and take up a real and join him. If you can’t stomach catching a fish then go with him and enjoy the walk together to the pond. Once there, read a book while sitting nearby as he fishes.

Whatever it is, it will be possible to find a way to share each other’s hobbies together. And that will not only give you great quality time together, but it shows your partner how genuinely interested and supportive you are of him and his individual passions.

Money, Sex & Selfishness

Most people believe that the typical cause of failed relationships is money and/or sex; not so. Although money or sex issues can be prominent symptoms in a bad relationship, they are not the root cause of the problem. Rather, it is pride and selfishness that is at the core of most marriage and relationship issues.

People tend to think of themselves as more giving than selfish and more humble than prideful. But everyone has aspects of their personality which are both selfish and prideful. It is when these egocentric characteristics inflate to the point of causing conflict in a relationship that they have to be acknowledged and dealt with.

Abusive and controlling partners are exhibiting extreme selfishness, while stubborn uncompromising partners are exhibiting extreme levels of pride. Both have convinced themselves that their own desires are paramount and justified, but actually each is behaving in a way that can destroy their relationship.

Even the most extreme issues can be resolved if each person is willing to recognize how their own selfish or prideful behaviors are negatively impacting the relationship. Each person needs to be willing to humble themselves enough to change their own bad behaviors and replace them with behaviors that will positively impact the relationship. If the abusive partner is willing to be less selfish and demanding, more forgiving and compassionate the abuse will stop and the love can flourish.

The solution is simple, but implementing that solution to the degree that is needed in order to create a happy relationship requires a lot of ongoing introspection and behavioral changing. It takes constant personal housecleaning and a strong commitment to replace old habits with positive nurturing behaviors.

So if you find yourself pointing fingers at your partner, believing that s/he is “the problem,” take a look at yourself instead and begin to become the person you would want to be with if you were in their shoes. Remember, the only person you have control over is yourself. And a mighty change can take place in your relationship if you start by changing you.

Warning Signs for Domestic Violence

People in intimate relationships are often in denial about the severity of abuse in their relationship, and they don't see their need for help. Sometimes people delude themselves into believing that their relationship is "different" or that they have the power to "change" their partner's abusive ways. Young people often believe that they are not worthy of a healthy relationship or they are afraid of being alone if they leave their abusive partner.

The truth is, no one deserves to be treated poorly, and their is no excuse for abuse. Regardless of how imperfect the abuser makes the victim feel, it is never the victims fault!

Here are some of the common warning Signs of an abusive relationship:

• Extreme jealousy or insecurity
• Acting as if you belong to him/her.
• Frequent criticism
• Possessiveness
• Controlling behavior
• Explosive temper
• Making false accusations
• Isolating you from your friends and family
• Preventing you from doing things you want to do.


Ask Yourself:

Is your partner jealous or possessive? Does s/he blame you for his/her angry outbursts or his/her other problems? Do you feel afraid to tell him/her you want out of the relationship? Does s/he accuse you of flirting or cheating on him? Does s/he frequently check up on you or make you check in with him throughout the day? Does s/he tell you how to dress or how much makeup to wear? Does he try to control what you do and who you talk to? Does s/he try to keep you from your family and friends? Does s/he have mood swings; angry or yelling at you one minute and afterwards s/he is kind and apologetic or says s/he can’t live without you? Do you often feel like you’re "walking on eggshells" around him/her or trying not to make him/her angry? Does s/he put you down or criticize you and make you feel like you can’t do anything right or that no one else would want you? Does s/he get in your face, point/shake his/her finger at you or intimidate you when s/he is angry? Does s/he yell, kick, shove, punch, slap, hold you down, throw things or hurt you in any way? Does s/he threaten to hurt you or somebody you care about? Does s/he force or pressure you into having sex or going further than you want to?

If you answered yes to 3 or more of these you are probably in a potentially abusive relationship. Don't minimize the risk you are in, and get help NOW.
Too many people have ended up dead because they refused to admit how serious their situation was. Don't become a statistic. Read more about domestic violence - information and resources.