Women often ask me what I consider to be the most important qualities in a successful marriage. I tell them there are too many to list, but there are a few that are at the top of my priority list. Here are four important qualities to a successful relationship.
* Give up unnecessary control and responsibility
Too often we women are so afraid of loosing control of our lives that we go overboard attempting to control everyone and everything around us. But attempting to control your man is a sure-fire way to cause him to begin to feel resentful and annoyed with you. Women need to realize and accept that their husband is an adult and is very capable of making up his own mind about how he conducts himself in life. Trying to control his behaviors is a way of elevating yourself (insinuating that you are perfect and nave all the right answers) and putting him down (suggesting that he doesn't know enough to make right choices). No one wants to live with that for any length of time.
* Express your needs while also respecting your husband's choices
Learning to express your opinion and feelings in a clear and honest way is a great way to create intimacy and trust in a relationship - unless you have a hidden agenda. Expecting that your husband should change his way of thinking or behaving because YOU have certain feelings is a recipe for failure. Wanting to be listened to is great, but expecting him to change because of your feelings is detrimental to even the strongest relationship. Get over yourself and let him have his own thoughts and feelings. Learn how to agree to disagree.
* Resist the temptation to criticize, belittle or dismiss your husband
This one seems to be a no-brainer, but you might be surprised how often I hear women castrate their man in front of him or to their friends and acquaintances. Focusing on the negative is another way of holding him to unrealistic expectations while attempting to elevate yourself. Negativity leads to negativity. Start replacing your criticism with praise and you will begin to see your relationships blossom. Even if he never hears it, talking about him in a positive way will help you be happier in the relationhip overall.
* Trust your husband in every aspect of marriage - from sexual to financial.
Regardless of the influences of the woman's movements in the US, men still tend to feel happiest when they believe that they are properly taking care of their family. It really doesn't matter what your opinion is on this subject, it is still the truth. So learning how to appreciate the things your man does for you and your family is a great way to bring the two of you together in a positive way. Help him understand just how important he is to you and the family, and support his efforts to take care of you. He will feel like a real man and you will reap the benefits.
Tuesday
Calming Each Other in Times of Stress
Everyone experiences stress differently. Learning to recognize your own early warning signs of stress is necessary for your mental health, but learning how to recognize your partner's signs of stress can improve your relationship.
Men and women typically react to stress differently from one another, and events that are stressful to you may not be as stressful to your spouse. So learning to recognize your loved ones' symptoms can help you offer calming support instead of misunderstanding.
Begin by talking with your partner about how each of you reacts to stressful situations. Then discuss how each of you would like to be supported during those difficult times. Some people just want to have their feelings acknowledged while others would prefer to have a shoulder to cry on or time to talk about their anxiety.
Regardless of how your special someone responds to stress, knowing how to soothe each other will not only bring relief, but your level of connectedness and intimacy will increase as well.
Men and women typically react to stress differently from one another, and events that are stressful to you may not be as stressful to your spouse. So learning to recognize your loved ones' symptoms can help you offer calming support instead of misunderstanding.
Begin by talking with your partner about how each of you reacts to stressful situations. Then discuss how each of you would like to be supported during those difficult times. Some people just want to have their feelings acknowledged while others would prefer to have a shoulder to cry on or time to talk about their anxiety.
Regardless of how your special someone responds to stress, knowing how to soothe each other will not only bring relief, but your level of connectedness and intimacy will increase as well.
Wednesday
Creating a Happy, Lifelong Relationship
Today is my birthday so my husband has set me up with a full day at the Nordstrom Spa. He didn't tell me what he had arranged until we got to San Francisco. I told him that he made a great decision.
Everyone needs time away from the daily grind once in a while, even from each other.
Even in the best relationships couples need to pay attention to themselves on a regular basis - to re-charge their identity as an independent person. These times away from each other needn't be long periods of time. It might just be a couple of hours a week doing something that each is passionate about. When you frequently indulge in a passion, your overall passion for life increases. As a side effect to your rejuvenating time for yourself, you begin to feel more passionate about your family and life in general; because you regularly stir up those wonderful feelings that make you so happy about living.
So Tomorrow while he is working I will be luxuriating. Afterwards we will be together for the rest of the afternoon and we will probably go to China Town.
It is interesting to me to realize that after 30 years of marriage we still love spending so much time together. Part of the reason is that we know each other so well that we feel an intimacy that one cannot find in any short term relationship. This kind of intimacy takes decades to grow and develop to the degree that our is. We don't feel the need to entertain each other and yet we do. We love to just be with each other regardless of the activity or lack of activity we are enjoying.
Today I will appreciate his thoughtfulness all morning long as I'm being pampered and he is across the bay working. This afternoon we will walk hand in hand through the streets of San Francisco as we have done so many times before. But this time, it won't be the souvenir shopping or the sights that makes this vacation great. It will be the depth of love we have for each other that will make it special.
Creating a life long intimate relationship is something that takes undying commitment to create. It takes a lack of selfishness and an intense desire to please your partner. More than any other relationship in life it takes a tenacious, continual pattern of forgiveness and the ability to be humble and willing enough to change your own negative patterns before you expect him to make changes for you.
Everyone needs time away from the daily grind once in a while, even from each other.
Even in the best relationships couples need to pay attention to themselves on a regular basis - to re-charge their identity as an independent person. These times away from each other needn't be long periods of time. It might just be a couple of hours a week doing something that each is passionate about. When you frequently indulge in a passion, your overall passion for life increases. As a side effect to your rejuvenating time for yourself, you begin to feel more passionate about your family and life in general; because you regularly stir up those wonderful feelings that make you so happy about living.
So Tomorrow while he is working I will be luxuriating. Afterwards we will be together for the rest of the afternoon and we will probably go to China Town.
It is interesting to me to realize that after 30 years of marriage we still love spending so much time together. Part of the reason is that we know each other so well that we feel an intimacy that one cannot find in any short term relationship. This kind of intimacy takes decades to grow and develop to the degree that our is. We don't feel the need to entertain each other and yet we do. We love to just be with each other regardless of the activity or lack of activity we are enjoying.
Today I will appreciate his thoughtfulness all morning long as I'm being pampered and he is across the bay working. This afternoon we will walk hand in hand through the streets of San Francisco as we have done so many times before. But this time, it won't be the souvenir shopping or the sights that makes this vacation great. It will be the depth of love we have for each other that will make it special.
Creating a life long intimate relationship is something that takes undying commitment to create. It takes a lack of selfishness and an intense desire to please your partner. More than any other relationship in life it takes a tenacious, continual pattern of forgiveness and the ability to be humble and willing enough to change your own negative patterns before you expect him to make changes for you.
Tuesday
Divorce - Is It Right For You? Part - 1
According to the National Statistics Website the current (2006) divorce rate was about 52 percent in the USA. That number includes those who have had more than one divorce. The numbers can get confusing so let me paraphrase by stating that across the board for every couple that remains married for life there is another who does not. If you have 4 close friends all of whom are married, at some time in life two of them will divorce.
Marriage is the most work you will ever enjoy! Divorce is about getting out, giving up, and beginning to think about who else is out there that might be better at making sure your needs are met. Truth is that until you are really good at meeting your own needs, no relationship will be what you expect it to be. That leads me to my next topic: When is the right time to divorce? Here are some tips:
If there are no children involved, go right ahead and mess things us as much as you want with each other. If you want to inflict emotional pain on someone it might as well be you. But if you truly want to move past this relationship and become better prepared to make the next relationship one that lasts a lifetime then you must find a way to remain rational, unemotional and compassionate to your partner while drawing up the divorce settlement and even afterwards when you see each other at the bank. Anger is just left over love that still feels hurt.
It is just another emotional tie to your X that you haven't dealt with yet, and it keeps the two you tied together no matter how long it has been or how in love you think you are with someone else. And those ugly, unavoidable ties will begin to tie your new relationship up into knots as well. Burning bridges only stops you from being able to choose which direction to go from here...Hint: The more emotion you have about this divorce the less ready you are to move on! That is a Fact!
Fact #2: If there are children involved, you have no right to divorce unless and until you - both of you have done everything within your power to make it work. That means you stop fighting, and find a calm way to interact with each other while you work out the details. Both of you have the ability to control your anger at work and at church so you CAN do it at home as well. Fighting is NOT going to help the process get better! This means you must be willing to stop playing the crazy making games and replace them with honest listening and problem solving thought processes. It means you have to be humble instead of the biggest winner or the most right. Positive things come from positive interactions. Stop making it all about you and start hearing your partner's thoughts and feelings for a change. Work together to make a compromise on every issue that comes up in the discussion.
Fact#3: Never fight in front of children or do anything that will give them the sense that your problems are their fault. Children already are eager to guilt themselves, you need to let them know that they have nothing to do with your problems. If child abuse or any type of domestic violence is a major factor in your problematic relationship you owe it to your children to get away from them until you can be 100% certain that they will no longer live in fear because of your abuse/anger issues. In a healthy divorce, parents realize that the real victims are the children and they do whatever they can to protect the children from the ugliness of the adults problems. Work your issues out with yourself and your counselor, not in front of your family!
Part 2 Next Week: How to put the "D" word onto the back burner.
Click Here to Go to Psych-Net Mental Health for help during the week or anytime.
Marriage is the most work you will ever enjoy! Divorce is about getting out, giving up, and beginning to think about who else is out there that might be better at making sure your needs are met. Truth is that until you are really good at meeting your own needs, no relationship will be what you expect it to be. That leads me to my next topic: When is the right time to divorce? Here are some tips:
If there are no children involved, go right ahead and mess things us as much as you want with each other. If you want to inflict emotional pain on someone it might as well be you. But if you truly want to move past this relationship and become better prepared to make the next relationship one that lasts a lifetime then you must find a way to remain rational, unemotional and compassionate to your partner while drawing up the divorce settlement and even afterwards when you see each other at the bank. Anger is just left over love that still feels hurt.
It is just another emotional tie to your X that you haven't dealt with yet, and it keeps the two you tied together no matter how long it has been or how in love you think you are with someone else. And those ugly, unavoidable ties will begin to tie your new relationship up into knots as well. Burning bridges only stops you from being able to choose which direction to go from here...Hint: The more emotion you have about this divorce the less ready you are to move on! That is a Fact!
Fact #2: If there are children involved, you have no right to divorce unless and until you - both of you have done everything within your power to make it work. That means you stop fighting, and find a calm way to interact with each other while you work out the details. Both of you have the ability to control your anger at work and at church so you CAN do it at home as well. Fighting is NOT going to help the process get better! This means you must be willing to stop playing the crazy making games and replace them with honest listening and problem solving thought processes. It means you have to be humble instead of the biggest winner or the most right. Positive things come from positive interactions. Stop making it all about you and start hearing your partner's thoughts and feelings for a change. Work together to make a compromise on every issue that comes up in the discussion.
Fact#3: Never fight in front of children or do anything that will give them the sense that your problems are their fault. Children already are eager to guilt themselves, you need to let them know that they have nothing to do with your problems. If child abuse or any type of domestic violence is a major factor in your problematic relationship you owe it to your children to get away from them until you can be 100% certain that they will no longer live in fear because of your abuse/anger issues. In a healthy divorce, parents realize that the real victims are the children and they do whatever they can to protect the children from the ugliness of the adults problems. Work your issues out with yourself and your counselor, not in front of your family!
Part 2 Next Week: How to put the "D" word onto the back burner.
Click Here to Go to Psych-Net Mental Health for help during the week or anytime.
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