Divorce - Is It Right For You? Part - 1

According to the National Statistics Website the current (2006) divorce rate was about 52 percent in the USA. That number includes those who have had more than one divorce. The numbers can get confusing so let me paraphrase by stating that across the board for every couple that remains married for life there is another who does not. If you have 4 close friends all of whom are married, at some time in life two of them will divorce.

Marriage is the most work you will ever enjoy! Divorce is about getting out, giving up, and beginning to think about who else is out there that might be better at making sure your needs are met. Truth is that until you are really good at meeting your own needs, no relationship will be what you expect it to be. That leads me to my next topic: When is the right time to divorce? Here are some tips:

If there are no children involved, go right ahead and mess things us as much as you want with each other. If you want to inflict emotional pain on someone it might as well be you. But if you truly want to move past this relationship and become better prepared to make the next relationship one that lasts a lifetime then you must find a way to remain rational, unemotional and compassionate to your partner while drawing up the divorce settlement and even afterwards when you see each other at the bank. Anger is just left over love that still feels hurt.
It is just another emotional tie to your X that you haven't dealt with yet, and it keeps the two you tied together no matter how long it has been or how in love you think you are with someone else. And those ugly, unavoidable ties will begin to tie your new relationship up into knots as well. Burning bridges only stops you from being able to choose which direction to go from here...Hint: The more emotion you have about this divorce the less ready you are to move on! That is a Fact!

Fact #2: If there are children involved, you have no right to divorce unless and until you - both of you have done everything within your power to make it work. That means you stop fighting, and find a calm way to interact with each other while you work out the details. Both of you have the ability to control your anger at work and at church so you CAN do it at home as well. Fighting is NOT going to help the process get better! This means you must be willing to stop playing the crazy making games and replace them with honest listening and problem solving thought processes. It means you have to be humble instead of the biggest winner or the most right. Positive things come from positive interactions. Stop making it all about you and start hearing your partner's thoughts and feelings for a change. Work together to make a compromise on every issue that comes up in the discussion.

Fact#3: Never fight in front of children or do anything that will give them the sense that your problems are their fault. Children already are eager to guilt themselves, you need to let them know that they have nothing to do with your problems. If child abuse or any type of domestic violence is a major factor in your problematic relationship you owe it to your children to get away from them until you can be 100% certain that they will no longer live in fear because of your abuse/anger issues. In a healthy divorce, parents realize that the real victims are the children and they do whatever they can to protect the children from the ugliness of the adults problems. Work your issues out with yourself and your counselor, not in front of your family!

Part 2 Next Week: How to put the "D" word onto the back burner.

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