The "F" Word and Heterosexual Differences

Once upon a time a couple came to me for some marriage counseling. On about the 3rd session the husband finally spoke up. I will never forget what he said. "My wife is constantly bringing up the "F" word and I can't take it anymore!" He took a deep breath and continued, "She is driving me crazy. It has gotten to the point that every time she says the "F" word I recoil, I become speechless and defensive. She just doesn't get it."

"The "F" word?" I parroted.

"Yea," he said, almost embarrassed, you know, feelings."

I held back a chuckle and gazed over at his wife who appeared to be expecting me to join her in an emotional rape of her husband. "Ah," I said as I stroked my invisible goatee, "I take it that she is expecting more out of you than you believe you have to offer."

I cannot count the times I have had to explain to couples the basic differences between the genders when it comes to expressing feelings. Of course there is always a continuum and some people regardless of their gender, are more emotive than others. But generally, men tend to be much less verbal with their feelings than are women.

When women attempt to coerce their man into talking about their feelings they are likely to find themselves fighting a loosing battle. First, their husband is likely to go blank, then get frustrated, and finally upset. At this point the quest for verbalized feelings becomes an angry exchange. I remember attempting to get my teenage son to express his feelings to me once and his response to me was "Hey, stop trying to womanize me." I backed off, and a few days later he shared his thoughts with me in his own manly way.

When men are feeling happy, loved and supported they tend to express their feelings by being in a good mood. They laugh more, interact with family and friends more or they may do tasks around the house just for the heck of it. When they are unhappy, stressed or feeling weak they often need to have a physical outlet like playing football with the guys, going to the gym or just working on the car. Through physical activity they are able to regroup, refresh and release their pent up emotions.

Understanding and supporting the way our partner prefers to handle their feelings is one of the best ways to end up living happily ever after.

Intimacy & Jealousy

A young woman cornered me in the hall today while between classes. Although she looked very young it appeared that she had 3 small children under the age of 5. She began by telling me what a wonderful man her husband was and then added that even though she knows that he is faithful to her, at times she flips into the Green Eyed Monster if she sees him in the vicinity of a woman.

Intellectually she understands that he has done nothing wrong, but emotionally she feels terrified that he will eventually see another woman and then leave her. She wanted to know how she can learn how to trust people.

I realized that in the few seconds we had in the hallway there was no magic answer I could offer that would bring her the peace that she desired. What I did say was this - I told her that irrational jealousy (the kind that is not based on fact but on emotion alone) has nothing to do with trusting one's spouse. I told her that in fact this type of jealousy is rooted in her negative feelings about herself, and her belief that she wasn't good enough or pretty enough or wife enough for him - or any man. Deep down She had great difficulty loving herself and so it was very difficult for her to understand how anyone else could love her.

So she was creating a dialog in her mind that told her that one of these days he will discover just how worthless she is and then he will go off with a real woman. She doesn't trust herself enough to believe that she can be a good enough person for this man who is so loving, spiritual and wonderful - surely she didn't truly deserve him right?

Tears rose in her eyes and she looked at me clearly and said "So it is me isn't it? I'm the one who needs to work this out." "Yes" I said gently. And that doesn't mean that there is something defective in you. Most young women go through periods in their life when they feel insecure and jealous. But you are way ahead of them because you have the desire to figure out what's wrong so you can change it before it becomes a problem."

I told her that even I had tangled with the Green Eyed Monster as a young bride, and that I successfully overcame it, and so could she. She smiled and seemed to feel great relief. She had a new understanding and a goal to work toward, and most of all she was motivated by the love of her family and her desire to love herself; and to make this change a priority in her life.

Before one can change a problem, we first have to recognize that there is a problem. Once we realize there is a problem we need to have the courage to deal with it and replace it with something positive that will enrich our life.

Controling Behavior and Insecurity

All successful intimate relationships are based on each partner being selfless and forgiving to a great degree. Many people come into couples therapy believing that their troubles are based on money or sexual discord. More often than not, these are just symptoms of a greater problem - that of selfishness and blame.

What most couples don't understand is that all their heated arguments are grounded in selfishness. And nearly all selfishness is based on fear. When we argue it is because we are selfishly attempting to get the other person to stop telling us how they feel and start listening to how we feel. That is selfish. In fact both need to stop insisting that they be heard and start listening to the other.

We fight because we are afraid of something. Perhaps we are afraid of not being heard, or maybe we fear not being taken seriously. The most common fear in marital discord is the fear of loosing control. We insist on pursuing our desire and inflicting our opinions because we fear loosing control of the situation. On some level we have told ourselves that if we can make everyone around us do things our way then we can feel secure and in control of our world.

Of course the truth is that we can never control others nor the world around us to any significant degree. We feel the intense need to control others because deep inside we feel unable to control our own inner world. So we focus on what is outside of us in an attempt to keep the raging insecurity we feel at bay.

When we feel secure in the belief that we are capable of dealing with whatever the world throws our way, then we no longer feel the need to control others or the world around us. It is only when we feel insecure about our ability to deal with life and its curve balls that we go overboard trying to keep our environment in perfect order.