Intimacy & Jealousy

A young woman cornered me in the hall today while between classes. Although she looked very young it appeared that she had 3 small children under the age of 5. She began by telling me what a wonderful man her husband was and then added that even though she knows that he is faithful to her, at times she flips into the Green Eyed Monster if she sees him in the vicinity of a woman.

Intellectually she understands that he has done nothing wrong, but emotionally she feels terrified that he will eventually see another woman and then leave her. She wanted to know how she can learn how to trust people.

I realized that in the few seconds we had in the hallway there was no magic answer I could offer that would bring her the peace that she desired. What I did say was this - I told her that irrational jealousy (the kind that is not based on fact but on emotion alone) has nothing to do with trusting one's spouse. I told her that in fact this type of jealousy is rooted in her negative feelings about herself, and her belief that she wasn't good enough or pretty enough or wife enough for him - or any man. Deep down She had great difficulty loving herself and so it was very difficult for her to understand how anyone else could love her.

So she was creating a dialog in her mind that told her that one of these days he will discover just how worthless she is and then he will go off with a real woman. She doesn't trust herself enough to believe that she can be a good enough person for this man who is so loving, spiritual and wonderful - surely she didn't truly deserve him right?

Tears rose in her eyes and she looked at me clearly and said "So it is me isn't it? I'm the one who needs to work this out." "Yes" I said gently. And that doesn't mean that there is something defective in you. Most young women go through periods in their life when they feel insecure and jealous. But you are way ahead of them because you have the desire to figure out what's wrong so you can change it before it becomes a problem."

I told her that even I had tangled with the Green Eyed Monster as a young bride, and that I successfully overcame it, and so could she. She smiled and seemed to feel great relief. She had a new understanding and a goal to work toward, and most of all she was motivated by the love of her family and her desire to love herself; and to make this change a priority in her life.

Before one can change a problem, we first have to recognize that there is a problem. Once we realize there is a problem we need to have the courage to deal with it and replace it with something positive that will enrich our life.