Controling Behavior and Insecurity

All successful intimate relationships are based on each partner being selfless and forgiving to a great degree. Many people come into couples therapy believing that their troubles are based on money or sexual discord. More often than not, these are just symptoms of a greater problem - that of selfishness and blame.

What most couples don't understand is that all their heated arguments are grounded in selfishness. And nearly all selfishness is based on fear. When we argue it is because we are selfishly attempting to get the other person to stop telling us how they feel and start listening to how we feel. That is selfish. In fact both need to stop insisting that they be heard and start listening to the other.

We fight because we are afraid of something. Perhaps we are afraid of not being heard, or maybe we fear not being taken seriously. The most common fear in marital discord is the fear of loosing control. We insist on pursuing our desire and inflicting our opinions because we fear loosing control of the situation. On some level we have told ourselves that if we can make everyone around us do things our way then we can feel secure and in control of our world.

Of course the truth is that we can never control others nor the world around us to any significant degree. We feel the intense need to control others because deep inside we feel unable to control our own inner world. So we focus on what is outside of us in an attempt to keep the raging insecurity we feel at bay.

When we feel secure in the belief that we are capable of dealing with whatever the world throws our way, then we no longer feel the need to control others or the world around us. It is only when we feel insecure about our ability to deal with life and its curve balls that we go overboard trying to keep our environment in perfect order.