The "F" Word and Heterosexual Differences

Once upon a time a couple came to me for some marriage counseling. On about the 3rd session the husband finally spoke up. I will never forget what he said. "My wife is constantly bringing up the "F" word and I can't take it anymore!" He took a deep breath and continued, "She is driving me crazy. It has gotten to the point that every time she says the "F" word I recoil, I become speechless and defensive. She just doesn't get it."

"The "F" word?" I parroted.

"Yea," he said, almost embarrassed, you know, feelings."

I held back a chuckle and gazed over at his wife who appeared to be expecting me to join her in an emotional rape of her husband. "Ah," I said as I stroked my invisible goatee, "I take it that she is expecting more out of you than you believe you have to offer."

I cannot count the times I have had to explain to couples the basic differences between the genders when it comes to expressing feelings. Of course there is always a continuum and some people regardless of their gender, are more emotive than others. But generally, men tend to be much less verbal with their feelings than are women.

When women attempt to coerce their man into talking about their feelings they are likely to find themselves fighting a loosing battle. First, their husband is likely to go blank, then get frustrated, and finally upset. At this point the quest for verbalized feelings becomes an angry exchange. I remember attempting to get my teenage son to express his feelings to me once and his response to me was "Hey, stop trying to womanize me." I backed off, and a few days later he shared his thoughts with me in his own manly way.

When men are feeling happy, loved and supported they tend to express their feelings by being in a good mood. They laugh more, interact with family and friends more or they may do tasks around the house just for the heck of it. When they are unhappy, stressed or feeling weak they often need to have a physical outlet like playing football with the guys, going to the gym or just working on the car. Through physical activity they are able to regroup, refresh and release their pent up emotions.

Understanding and supporting the way our partner prefers to handle their feelings is one of the best ways to end up living happily ever after.