Communication & Intimacy

The first male client I ever had was a convicted stalker who was court ordered to 17 sessions of therapy. Upon meeting him and getting the small talk over with he looked at me and asked "Where do you live?" I realized that in his mind he was just attempting to continue the small talk, but I also realized that he was telling me much more about himself than he realized.

That is true for everyone. About 75% of our communication is nonverbal, 15% is the words we choose and the remaining 10% is subconscious intention. In intimate relationships we become very accustom to our partners nonverbal language. As we become more and more familiar we come to understand their subconscious intentions.

Although, when we argue, we often bring up what our partner had said in the past, we are generally more upset by their underlying intentions and subtle meaning. That is why arguing turns into fighting and in the end resolves nothing. It is our unexpressed intentions and subconscious cues that incite the greatest emotion from our partner.

"Lack of communication" is one of the most frequently stated problems that couples bring to therapy. But in fact each has communicated their truest feelings to the other nonverbally. By focusing on the words they are unable to acknowledge the deeper more problematic aspects of their relationship. Instead of working through a problem they keep rehashing the words over and over, sometimes for years.

When your partner talks, try to listen to what they are saying underneath the words. Then ask them about the feelings you believe they were expressing nonverbally. Put yourself into their emotions long enough to understand how they feel. And remember, feelings are not threats, they are human and should be validated even when you feel differently.