In-Laws and Their Adult Children

Being a mother-in-law can be one of the most rewarding relationships you can have. For some however, it can be problematic at best.

Several years ago a close friend of mine came to me to talk about the man who had just married her daughter. I knew that she hadn't liked the guy from the beginning and so I made a big mistake in the way I handled her questions. Instead of truly listening to her fears and concerns I attempted to help her find ways to accept him and to treat him with respect.

Three years later she came to me again and told me that her son-in-law was "addicted to porn" and had become abusive and controlling toward her daughter. She added "I knew that there was something about him that spelled trouble, and no one would believe me." I felt terrible.

The truth is that as an In-law, there is little you can do to protect your adult children from their bad marriage. In general, it is a good idea to stay out of their problems as much as possible. A mother will almost always side with her child and villianize the spouse regardless of who did what to whom. Instead of listening to countless hours of one-sided emotional pain, it is best to suggest that the young couple find a good marriage counselor instead of filling you in on the personal details of their marriage.

Unless the couple comes to you to ask for help regarding a specific problem it is best to refrain from offering advice unless asked. And even then, an In-law must keep firm boundaries and answer their questions from a place of wisdom and experience instead of from an emotional or protective soapbox.