It is never alright to fight in front of children. I used to be said that kids need to learn, through observation, how to fight so that they will know how to be in a relationship someday. That has been studied and proven over and over that this idea is clearly as damaging to families as divorce.
Now, because of recent longitudinal studies that have been done (taken over 20-30 year periods)we now know that children are in fact deeply scarred by living with parent’s that quarrel and fight within earshot of the children. Interior home walls are generally not insulated and the sound travels quite freely from one room to the next. And when parents are speaking loudly, you can bet that the children are hearing everything. Their anxiety rises as the tones and threats in the argument increase in intensity. And children can always imagine that their parent’s fight is the child’s fault
Children don’t know how to protect themselves from the pain that is welling up inside them and they feel helpless to run away. So they become prisoners in their own personal torture chamber, a prison, their bedroom; the same place where they are expected to find comfort and peace a few hours later so they can drift happily off to sleep. This will never happen. The child will lay awake feeling physical anxiety because they didn’t have the right arena to express their fears and feelings so they internalize their pain. Young children will automatically find reasons that s/he was the reason for the fight. Perhaps they heard their name among all the other words spoken in anger. Or perhaps earlier in the day or week they were scolded for something and now they believe that they are the problem that is being fought about. They worry that it will be their fault if the parents split up. Kids can create the most elaborate ideas about how it was their entire fault that bad things happen in their home. This is way too much pressure and responsibility for a young, underdeveloped child to have to deal with.
They may zone out, curl up in the corner or on their bed. They may even come to you and beg you to stop fighting. Sadly when this happens, either the child is not even acknowledged or s/he becomes another target for the angry parent. “Get back to your room. Can’t you hear me?! If your room isn’t clean in 10 minutes you know I’ll be coming after you next!” Even if this only happens once every week or two, it is enough to change the character and personality of your child for the worse…and for the rest of his/her life. Whatever your selfish motivation is to continue a disagreement with your partner, it is NEVER worth the damage to your children that fighting will inflict. Close your doors and keep your voice down no matter how angry you get. S/He isn't listening to you when you are yelling anyway - but the kids are. Be the parent they need you to be.
6 comments:
My parents have been married for 56 years. Ever since I can remember, my father has been frightenly abusive towards my mother. His rages would scare the daylights out of me and my siblings--we thought for sure he would kill her one day. He was always threatening to divorce her. He told her that she ruined his life and repeatedly calls her horrible names. My father is 81 and my mother is close to 80 and frail. At one time, I couldn't wait until his anger subsided and life resumed as "normal". Now, however, I am tired of pretending that nothing happened, that everything is OK, that married people fight--it's just par for the course. I want to tell my father that I no longer accept his behaviour, but I'm scared that he'll go beserk on me, or worse, take it out on my mother. Any suggestions? PS My father feels that we are not affected in the least because he didn't yell at us. He doesn't have a clue about the damage he's inflicted.
Dignity,
Thank you for posting your comment. First, before you do anything you have to ask yourself “What is the outcome I desire, and what damage might I cause by confronting him?” If you are hoping that by telling your father how you feel, he will at last understand how his behavior has effected you; or that he will suddenly change, once the error of his ways are pointed out to him, then your expectations are too high. Even younger “abusers” are generally not capable of listening or understanding how they have hurt their victim; and at 81 your father is who he is and is highly unlikely to behave differently for any reason.
If you are concerned that he might act out by hurting your mother or someone else, then you definitely need to find another way to vent your feelings and anger; one that does not involve him.
Unlike pop-psychology of the 80’s suggested, it isn’t necessary for you to confront your abusers in order for you to work through your own pain and anger. Confrontation with the abuser, in fact, most often causes the child more frustration because their expectations are once again not met.
Look inside yourself for validation, nurturing and understanding. And give to yourself what he was not willing or able to give to you all these years. The best revenge is living well.
Karen
Thank you for your advice. You're right--he won't get it, as he has always perceived himself as the victim and the rest of us as sniveling, weak, spoiled, and unappreciative idiots who showed no respect towards him. After all, he did put a roof over our heads and food on the plate (even though we never digested it because we were so upset at his tirades that erupted either before, during or after a meal).
So do I continue the pattern of pretending that everything is OK? I’ve tried to live my life as fully as I can and thought I had forgiven him. I’ve tried very hard to detach myself from the situation because the outcome is inevitable—they kiss and make up, and we (the children) feel like victims of war. But every now and then, I revert back to square one and am consumed with hate towards him.
It seems that you have 2 choices, either to carry on as usual, or to sever contact. That choice has to be made by you as it is your life that you need to take care of, not your mother's or his. Which can you live with best?
Although I advocate forgiveness as a healing tool, too often people tell themselves they have forgiven when actually they have just shoved feelings under the rug. You will know that you have truly forgiven when you feel indifference toward him; when you can tell your story without emotion. Until then, find an outlet for your feelings. You are a good writer. You might find journaling or writing your story in book form therapeutic.
Thanks for the advice. Severing the relationship is out of the question because I still want to see my mother on a regular basis. What I think I need to do is get over being afraid of him and get over what may happen to my mother (i.e., heart attack, stroke)when he flies off on one of his rages.
I agree with this posting coming from parents that used to non- stop verbally abuse each other. My fathers anger used to scare me half to death as a child since he moved from person to person to yell at. Anytime I heard people yelling I got a flash back and became very scared, I feel this still effects me in some ways by how conscious and nervous I get when i hear an argument. As I got older ( around 14) my parents income became much more steady, especially from my mother who started earning as much as my father. I noticed when income was high, my parents rarely fought. A lot of anger and stress from parents might be a result of other factors. My father was probably very stressed at work and lack of income that he ended up taking that stress out on my family. I also think at his job he didnt have much power or authority, so his only way to show authority was being the head of house at home. However, once he didn't have as much stress the anger stopped as well. Their fighting defiantly affected my personality as a child . In grade school I was very shy and quiet. I never spoke up or questioned anyone of a higher authority. As the fighting stopped I also became less shy and more outgoing. I question everything now, but this might be an effect from college. Of course not all fighting parents are because of something like money. I just feel that I did not have too many negative effects from my parents fighting. Once they were happy and changed I too did. I learned from this that if I become a parent someday I need to be aware that children can hear everything, and it effects them socially. I feel this study needs to be researched more since I wonder if kids are learning about the real world from parents arguing ( since marriage is no walk in the park) and to what extent is too far and hurtful. Also put in consideration that poor families are at a higher risk as well as those that came from abusive homes. I think it would be interesting to learn more about this, but it is very hard to get into the homes of families to see how they really behave.
Thanks for the post
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