Fighting in front of Children

It is never alright to fight in front of children. I used to be said that kids need to learn, through observation, how to fight so that they will know how to be in a relationship someday. That has been studied and proven over and over that this idea is clearly as damaging to families as divorce.

Now, because of recent longitudinal studies that have been done (taken over 20-30 year periods)we now know that children are in fact deeply scarred by living with parent’s that quarrel and fight within earshot of the children. Interior home walls are generally not insulated and the sound travels quite freely from one room to the next. And when parents are speaking loudly, you can bet that the children are hearing everything. Their anxiety rises as the tones and threats in the argument increase in intensity. And children can always imagine that their parent’s fight is the child’s fault

Children don’t know how to protect themselves from the pain that is welling up inside them and they feel helpless to run away. So they become prisoners in their own personal torture chamber, a prison, their bedroom; the same place where they are expected to find comfort and peace a few hours later so they can drift happily off to sleep. This will never happen. The child will lay awake feeling physical anxiety because they didn’t have the right arena to express their fears and feelings so they internalize their pain. Young children will automatically find reasons that s/he was the reason for the fight. Perhaps they heard their name among all the other words spoken in anger. Or perhaps earlier in the day or week they were scolded for something and now they believe that they are the problem that is being fought about. They worry that it will be their fault if the parents split up. Kids can create the most elaborate ideas about how it was their entire fault that bad things happen in their home. This is way too much pressure and responsibility for a young, underdeveloped child to have to deal with.

They may zone out, curl up in the corner or on their bed. They may even come to you and beg you to stop fighting. Sadly when this happens, either the child is not even acknowledged or s/he becomes another target for the angry parent. “Get back to your room. Can’t you hear me?! If your room isn’t clean in 10 minutes you know I’ll be coming after you next!” Even if this only happens once every week or two, it is enough to change the character and personality of your child for the worse…and for the rest of his/her life. Whatever your selfish motivation is to continue a disagreement with your partner, it is NEVER worth the damage to your children that fighting will inflict. Close your doors and keep your voice down no matter how angry you get. S/He isn't listening to you when you are yelling anyway - but the kids are. Be the parent they need you to be.