"I expect to pass through this world but once; any good thing therefore that I can do or any kindness that I can show t any fellow creature, let me do it now, let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again." -- John Wesely
Every day with our loved ones is precious. Every moment we have to share our love for them is cherished, and every opportunity we have to forgive is priceless.
No bruised ego, no hurt feeling is worth the pain of realizing that you have waited too long to mend your fences. And yes, it is your fence too. Fences rest on borders, and are the responsibility of both parties. Waiting for the other to take responsibility for their share is to place yourself into the role of a victim, and to deny yourself the joy that comes with taking the first brave step to heal old wounds.
Don't let pride keep you from letting go of your self-righteous anger. Mend those fences today, because today will never pass by this way again.
Sunday
The Do's & Dont's of Middle Aged Dating
Dating after 40 can be a swift reminder that you aren't an adolescent anymore. Sure the excitement and the passion re-emerge, but the energy has mellowed and you know better than to throw caution to the wind. Still, a budding romance can cause you to take those old blinders out of storage and try them on for size.
Most of us hope that we will never again have to enter the dating scene. But while we are living longer and enjoying better health to-boot, senior dating is fast becoming the new norm.
Here are some tips for re-entering the dating scene:
Online dating services. The internet has opened up a whole world of possibilities for the prospective dater. There are online dating services like Match.com and endless categories of chat rooms especially created for people in your geographical area and with your specific interests. I recommend finding a chat room with people who share your religious views, who have like-minded values and who are within your age category. This will narrow down the number of chat rooms to ones that are of the most interest to you.
Be prepared to spend at least a year getting to know a potential partner before making any type of long term commitment. Remember it isn't possible to truly know someone via a long-distance relationship (i.e. an internet relationship). You need to spend time doing things together, experiencing each other in every aspect of life (including the winter flu season), to determine if they are someone you could spend your senior years with.
The purpose of every first date is to decide whether or not you want a second one. With that in mind, plan a date that encourages conversation and helps you get to know each other.
Tailor your first date to include a common interest, hobby which helps establish an immediate connection around that which has meaning for both of you. Plan to meet somewhere public. This is particularly important if you have been conversing on the internet. Never give out your address to someone you haven't gotten to know in person. The world has changed and there are predators out there. Don't be too quick to trust.
A meal on your first date? Make it lunch and combine it with some fun activity so that you have more things to talk about while you eat. Dinner implies more intimacy and a movie reduces conversation.
Security in numbers: If the whole idea of dating makes you nervous, consider joining a group dating club or participate in a group activity. Church activities are a good way to get together in groups.
Be smart, be safe, and have an exit strategy. You are going out with someone you don’t know well, so stick to public places and tell someone you trust who you’re meeting and where you’ll be. If you start to feel uneasy about the person you’re with, leave.
For a list of great tips for senior dating click here.
Most of us hope that we will never again have to enter the dating scene. But while we are living longer and enjoying better health to-boot, senior dating is fast becoming the new norm.
Here are some tips for re-entering the dating scene:
Online dating services. The internet has opened up a whole world of possibilities for the prospective dater. There are online dating services like Match.com and endless categories of chat rooms especially created for people in your geographical area and with your specific interests. I recommend finding a chat room with people who share your religious views, who have like-minded values and who are within your age category. This will narrow down the number of chat rooms to ones that are of the most interest to you.
Be prepared to spend at least a year getting to know a potential partner before making any type of long term commitment. Remember it isn't possible to truly know someone via a long-distance relationship (i.e. an internet relationship). You need to spend time doing things together, experiencing each other in every aspect of life (including the winter flu season), to determine if they are someone you could spend your senior years with.
The purpose of every first date is to decide whether or not you want a second one. With that in mind, plan a date that encourages conversation and helps you get to know each other.
Tailor your first date to include a common interest, hobby which helps establish an immediate connection around that which has meaning for both of you. Plan to meet somewhere public. This is particularly important if you have been conversing on the internet. Never give out your address to someone you haven't gotten to know in person. The world has changed and there are predators out there. Don't be too quick to trust.
A meal on your first date? Make it lunch and combine it with some fun activity so that you have more things to talk about while you eat. Dinner implies more intimacy and a movie reduces conversation.
Security in numbers: If the whole idea of dating makes you nervous, consider joining a group dating club or participate in a group activity. Church activities are a good way to get together in groups.
Be smart, be safe, and have an exit strategy. You are going out with someone you don’t know well, so stick to public places and tell someone you trust who you’re meeting and where you’ll be. If you start to feel uneasy about the person you’re with, leave.
For a list of great tips for senior dating click here.
Wednesday
The Death of a Child and its Impact on Marriage
The death of a child due to illness, accident or any other reason can have an disabling impact on a couple’s marriage.
Sometimes the loss may bring a couple closer to one another. However for many couples, the stress and pain of their unfathomable loss causes bitterness and anger that can cause them to grow apart.
Men and women deal with loss differently. Women often have large support networks with whom they share their feelings and get support. Men often hide their emotions and attempt to deal with their feelings by focusing on work or caretaking their grieving family. It is important that both understand the other's way of dealing with grief, and it important that each of them allow themselves to completely work through the grief process.
Women may expect their husband to cry more or to show their feelings the way they do. Men may feel the need to be stoic or to hide their emotions to appear strong for their family. Neither tactic is helpful in such a painful situation.
One person may have the desire for more closeness or intimacy while the other needs more time alone. Both are normal, but the differing ways in which each needs to heal may interfere with either getting their needs met. It is important for each family member to communicate their needs and to resolve conflicts openly.
To insure that the relationship remain healthy and strong it is important that they consciously invest more time in each other. Strong happy family life requires much time and attention, but after the death of a child time can make the difference between making it through as a couple or not. This rule holds true for siblings of the deceased child. Too often the grieving couple forget that their other children are in just as much pain as they are. They too need extra time and opportunity to express themselves.
If you and your spouse are having difficulty in your relationship get references from a trusted source for a good couples counselor. Doing so can save your marriage and your family from the additional agony of divorce.
If you or a loved one is suffering the loss of a child and they appear to be stuck in their grief process, suggest grief counseling to them. Better yet, look up some of the grief counselors and grief groups in their area and do the footwork for them. Grief can be immobilizing, making it too difficult to do the work of finding the right group or counselor.
You can survive the loss of your child. You and your family can come out the other side in tact. Be loving and patient with yourself, and give yourself time to heal.
Sometimes the loss may bring a couple closer to one another. However for many couples, the stress and pain of their unfathomable loss causes bitterness and anger that can cause them to grow apart.
Men and women deal with loss differently. Women often have large support networks with whom they share their feelings and get support. Men often hide their emotions and attempt to deal with their feelings by focusing on work or caretaking their grieving family. It is important that both understand the other's way of dealing with grief, and it important that each of them allow themselves to completely work through the grief process.
Women may expect their husband to cry more or to show their feelings the way they do. Men may feel the need to be stoic or to hide their emotions to appear strong for their family. Neither tactic is helpful in such a painful situation.
One person may have the desire for more closeness or intimacy while the other needs more time alone. Both are normal, but the differing ways in which each needs to heal may interfere with either getting their needs met. It is important for each family member to communicate their needs and to resolve conflicts openly.
To insure that the relationship remain healthy and strong it is important that they consciously invest more time in each other. Strong happy family life requires much time and attention, but after the death of a child time can make the difference between making it through as a couple or not. This rule holds true for siblings of the deceased child. Too often the grieving couple forget that their other children are in just as much pain as they are. They too need extra time and opportunity to express themselves.
If you and your spouse are having difficulty in your relationship get references from a trusted source for a good couples counselor. Doing so can save your marriage and your family from the additional agony of divorce.
If you or a loved one is suffering the loss of a child and they appear to be stuck in their grief process, suggest grief counseling to them. Better yet, look up some of the grief counselors and grief groups in their area and do the footwork for them. Grief can be immobilizing, making it too difficult to do the work of finding the right group or counselor.
You can survive the loss of your child. You and your family can come out the other side in tact. Be loving and patient with yourself, and give yourself time to heal.
Monday
Creating Happy Family Gatherings
The holiday season is here again and just like last year you are probably thinking about family gatherings and how you will survive until January. Here are some tips for getting through the holidays without having to make Xanax your daily supplement:
* Tactfully express your wishes and desires to others. If you don't want to spend the day watching football, say so; then figure out what you will do instead.
* Be tolerant and respectful. When you are with people you don't particularly like, remember to avoid them when necessary and to hold your tongue always. It won't kill you to treat them with respect for the few hours you are under the same roof.
* Offer your opinion only when asked for it. This especially applies to the older members of the family. We may believe we are being helpful, but when under stress - even pleasant stress - it is easy for others to take our helpful hints as an indirect insult. Keep the conversation light and upbeat.
* Ask for what you need. If you want the men to clean up after dinner make sure you let them know ahead of time. People don't like to feel ambushed, and a little pre-planning can go a long way to family harmony.
* Allow everyone 10-years-old and up to sit with the adults. My kids often remind me of how much they hated sitting at the kids table once they became the oldest ones there.
* Check all negativity at the door. Refrain from gossip, negative comments, punishing the kids for small infractions, or any other form of negativity. Is seems so simple, but making a conscious effort to remain positive and upbeat is the key to having a positive and upbeat experience.
Remember, this is a time to create happy family memories. It isn't the time to rehash unresolved differences or to open old wounds. It is just one meal, one day, don't ruin it by waking dead memories. You are an adult now, an individual, not the child you once were. If others around you didn't read this blog and begin to behave unpleasantly, quietly remove yourself from the room until everything calms down. you are in charge of your experience. Make it a great one.
* Tactfully express your wishes and desires to others. If you don't want to spend the day watching football, say so; then figure out what you will do instead.
* Be tolerant and respectful. When you are with people you don't particularly like, remember to avoid them when necessary and to hold your tongue always. It won't kill you to treat them with respect for the few hours you are under the same roof.
* Offer your opinion only when asked for it. This especially applies to the older members of the family. We may believe we are being helpful, but when under stress - even pleasant stress - it is easy for others to take our helpful hints as an indirect insult. Keep the conversation light and upbeat.
* Ask for what you need. If you want the men to clean up after dinner make sure you let them know ahead of time. People don't like to feel ambushed, and a little pre-planning can go a long way to family harmony.
* Allow everyone 10-years-old and up to sit with the adults. My kids often remind me of how much they hated sitting at the kids table once they became the oldest ones there.
* Check all negativity at the door. Refrain from gossip, negative comments, punishing the kids for small infractions, or any other form of negativity. Is seems so simple, but making a conscious effort to remain positive and upbeat is the key to having a positive and upbeat experience.
Remember, this is a time to create happy family memories. It isn't the time to rehash unresolved differences or to open old wounds. It is just one meal, one day, don't ruin it by waking dead memories. You are an adult now, an individual, not the child you once were. If others around you didn't read this blog and begin to behave unpleasantly, quietly remove yourself from the room until everything calms down. you are in charge of your experience. Make it a great one.
Thursday
Communication & the Family Pet
You feed them, discipline them, love them, and sometimes you even sleep with them. No, I'm not talking about your kids or even your spouse; I'm talking about the family pet.
In the US the family pet often has near-equal status to other family members. Most of the time the couple finds acceptable ground rules for the pets' care and living arrangements. But occasionally the original pet parent has difficulty allowing the new adoptive parent to have a say in what those ground rules will be. And that can be the beginning of trouble in a relationship.
You have probably known of someone who flippantly states that if they had to choose between their pet and their partner that they would choose the pet. The pet parent may rationalize that they have had the pet for a long time and have thus become too bonded to allow their new love interest to come between them and their animal companion. They may worry that the pet is emotionally innocent and doesn't understand the owners' sudden shift in affections. This may be so, but if your date is willing to allow a pet to come between them and intimacy on a human level I advise you to get out now and move on to someone who shares your views of a pets' place in the home.
Now I am not saying that either position is right or wrong, I'm saying that a pet can be a very intimate member of a family, and like religious views and political orientation, having vastly differing views about a pets' place in the home can become a sore spot in even the strongest relationships.
So before jumping into an intimate human relationship, it would be wise to thoroughly discuss your views and expectations regarding the family pet.
In the US the family pet often has near-equal status to other family members. Most of the time the couple finds acceptable ground rules for the pets' care and living arrangements. But occasionally the original pet parent has difficulty allowing the new adoptive parent to have a say in what those ground rules will be. And that can be the beginning of trouble in a relationship.
You have probably known of someone who flippantly states that if they had to choose between their pet and their partner that they would choose the pet. The pet parent may rationalize that they have had the pet for a long time and have thus become too bonded to allow their new love interest to come between them and their animal companion. They may worry that the pet is emotionally innocent and doesn't understand the owners' sudden shift in affections. This may be so, but if your date is willing to allow a pet to come between them and intimacy on a human level I advise you to get out now and move on to someone who shares your views of a pets' place in the home.
Now I am not saying that either position is right or wrong, I'm saying that a pet can be a very intimate member of a family, and like religious views and political orientation, having vastly differing views about a pets' place in the home can become a sore spot in even the strongest relationships.
So before jumping into an intimate human relationship, it would be wise to thoroughly discuss your views and expectations regarding the family pet.
Monday
In-Laws and Their Adult Children
Being a mother-in-law can be one of the most rewarding relationships you can have. For some however, it can be problematic at best.
Several years ago a close friend of mine came to me to talk about the man who had just married her daughter. I knew that she hadn't liked the guy from the beginning and so I made a big mistake in the way I handled her questions. Instead of truly listening to her fears and concerns I attempted to help her find ways to accept him and to treat him with respect.
Three years later she came to me again and told me that her son-in-law was "addicted to porn" and had become abusive and controlling toward her daughter. She added "I knew that there was something about him that spelled trouble, and no one would believe me." I felt terrible.
The truth is that as an In-law, there is little you can do to protect your adult children from their bad marriage. In general, it is a good idea to stay out of their problems as much as possible. A mother will almost always side with her child and villianize the spouse regardless of who did what to whom. Instead of listening to countless hours of one-sided emotional pain, it is best to suggest that the young couple find a good marriage counselor instead of filling you in on the personal details of their marriage.
Unless the couple comes to you to ask for help regarding a specific problem it is best to refrain from offering advice unless asked. And even then, an In-law must keep firm boundaries and answer their questions from a place of wisdom and experience instead of from an emotional or protective soapbox.
Several years ago a close friend of mine came to me to talk about the man who had just married her daughter. I knew that she hadn't liked the guy from the beginning and so I made a big mistake in the way I handled her questions. Instead of truly listening to her fears and concerns I attempted to help her find ways to accept him and to treat him with respect.
Three years later she came to me again and told me that her son-in-law was "addicted to porn" and had become abusive and controlling toward her daughter. She added "I knew that there was something about him that spelled trouble, and no one would believe me." I felt terrible.
The truth is that as an In-law, there is little you can do to protect your adult children from their bad marriage. In general, it is a good idea to stay out of their problems as much as possible. A mother will almost always side with her child and villianize the spouse regardless of who did what to whom. Instead of listening to countless hours of one-sided emotional pain, it is best to suggest that the young couple find a good marriage counselor instead of filling you in on the personal details of their marriage.
Unless the couple comes to you to ask for help regarding a specific problem it is best to refrain from offering advice unless asked. And even then, an In-law must keep firm boundaries and answer their questions from a place of wisdom and experience instead of from an emotional or protective soapbox.
Tuesday
Communication & Intimacy
The first male client I ever had was a convicted stalker who was court ordered to 17 sessions of therapy. Upon meeting him and getting the small talk over with he looked at me and asked "Where do you live?" I realized that in his mind he was just attempting to continue the small talk, but I also realized that he was telling me much more about himself than he realized.
That is true for everyone. About 75% of our communication is nonverbal, 15% is the words we choose and the remaining 10% is subconscious intention. In intimate relationships we become very accustom to our partners nonverbal language. As we become more and more familiar we come to understand their subconscious intentions.
Although, when we argue, we often bring up what our partner had said in the past, we are generally more upset by their underlying intentions and subtle meaning. That is why arguing turns into fighting and in the end resolves nothing. It is our unexpressed intentions and subconscious cues that incite the greatest emotion from our partner.
"Lack of communication" is one of the most frequently stated problems that couples bring to therapy. But in fact each has communicated their truest feelings to the other nonverbally. By focusing on the words they are unable to acknowledge the deeper more problematic aspects of their relationship. Instead of working through a problem they keep rehashing the words over and over, sometimes for years.
When your partner talks, try to listen to what they are saying underneath the words. Then ask them about the feelings you believe they were expressing nonverbally. Put yourself into their emotions long enough to understand how they feel. And remember, feelings are not threats, they are human and should be validated even when you feel differently.
That is true for everyone. About 75% of our communication is nonverbal, 15% is the words we choose and the remaining 10% is subconscious intention. In intimate relationships we become very accustom to our partners nonverbal language. As we become more and more familiar we come to understand their subconscious intentions.
Although, when we argue, we often bring up what our partner had said in the past, we are generally more upset by their underlying intentions and subtle meaning. That is why arguing turns into fighting and in the end resolves nothing. It is our unexpressed intentions and subconscious cues that incite the greatest emotion from our partner.
"Lack of communication" is one of the most frequently stated problems that couples bring to therapy. But in fact each has communicated their truest feelings to the other nonverbally. By focusing on the words they are unable to acknowledge the deeper more problematic aspects of their relationship. Instead of working through a problem they keep rehashing the words over and over, sometimes for years.
When your partner talks, try to listen to what they are saying underneath the words. Then ask them about the feelings you believe they were expressing nonverbally. Put yourself into their emotions long enough to understand how they feel. And remember, feelings are not threats, they are human and should be validated even when you feel differently.
Sunday
The "F" Word and Heterosexual Differences
Once upon a time a couple came to me for some marriage counseling. On about the 3rd session the husband finally spoke up. I will never forget what he said. "My wife is constantly bringing up the "F" word and I can't take it anymore!" He took a deep breath and continued, "She is driving me crazy. It has gotten to the point that every time she says the "F" word I recoil, I become speechless and defensive. She just doesn't get it."
"The "F" word?" I parroted.
"Yea," he said, almost embarrassed, you know, feelings."
I held back a chuckle and gazed over at his wife who appeared to be expecting me to join her in an emotional rape of her husband. "Ah," I said as I stroked my invisible goatee, "I take it that she is expecting more out of you than you believe you have to offer."
I cannot count the times I have had to explain to couples the basic differences between the genders when it comes to expressing feelings. Of course there is always a continuum and some people regardless of their gender, are more emotive than others. But generally, men tend to be much less verbal with their feelings than are women.
When women attempt to coerce their man into talking about their feelings they are likely to find themselves fighting a loosing battle. First, their husband is likely to go blank, then get frustrated, and finally upset. At this point the quest for verbalized feelings becomes an angry exchange. I remember attempting to get my teenage son to express his feelings to me once and his response to me was "Hey, stop trying to womanize me." I backed off, and a few days later he shared his thoughts with me in his own manly way.
When men are feeling happy, loved and supported they tend to express their feelings by being in a good mood. They laugh more, interact with family and friends more or they may do tasks around the house just for the heck of it. When they are unhappy, stressed or feeling weak they often need to have a physical outlet like playing football with the guys, going to the gym or just working on the car. Through physical activity they are able to regroup, refresh and release their pent up emotions.
Understanding and supporting the way our partner prefers to handle their feelings is one of the best ways to end up living happily ever after.
"The "F" word?" I parroted.
"Yea," he said, almost embarrassed, you know, feelings."
I held back a chuckle and gazed over at his wife who appeared to be expecting me to join her in an emotional rape of her husband. "Ah," I said as I stroked my invisible goatee, "I take it that she is expecting more out of you than you believe you have to offer."
I cannot count the times I have had to explain to couples the basic differences between the genders when it comes to expressing feelings. Of course there is always a continuum and some people regardless of their gender, are more emotive than others. But generally, men tend to be much less verbal with their feelings than are women.
When women attempt to coerce their man into talking about their feelings they are likely to find themselves fighting a loosing battle. First, their husband is likely to go blank, then get frustrated, and finally upset. At this point the quest for verbalized feelings becomes an angry exchange. I remember attempting to get my teenage son to express his feelings to me once and his response to me was "Hey, stop trying to womanize me." I backed off, and a few days later he shared his thoughts with me in his own manly way.
When men are feeling happy, loved and supported they tend to express their feelings by being in a good mood. They laugh more, interact with family and friends more or they may do tasks around the house just for the heck of it. When they are unhappy, stressed or feeling weak they often need to have a physical outlet like playing football with the guys, going to the gym or just working on the car. Through physical activity they are able to regroup, refresh and release their pent up emotions.
Understanding and supporting the way our partner prefers to handle their feelings is one of the best ways to end up living happily ever after.
Monday
Intimacy & Jealousy
A young woman cornered me in the hall today while between classes. Although she looked very young it appeared that she had 3 small children under the age of 5. She began by telling me what a wonderful man her husband was and then added that even though she knows that he is faithful to her, at times she flips into the Green Eyed Monster if she sees him in the vicinity of a woman.
Intellectually she understands that he has done nothing wrong, but emotionally she feels terrified that he will eventually see another woman and then leave her. She wanted to know how she can learn how to trust people.
I realized that in the few seconds we had in the hallway there was no magic answer I could offer that would bring her the peace that she desired. What I did say was this - I told her that irrational jealousy (the kind that is not based on fact but on emotion alone) has nothing to do with trusting one's spouse. I told her that in fact this type of jealousy is rooted in her negative feelings about herself, and her belief that she wasn't good enough or pretty enough or wife enough for him - or any man. Deep down She had great difficulty loving herself and so it was very difficult for her to understand how anyone else could love her.
So she was creating a dialog in her mind that told her that one of these days he will discover just how worthless she is and then he will go off with a real woman. She doesn't trust herself enough to believe that she can be a good enough person for this man who is so loving, spiritual and wonderful - surely she didn't truly deserve him right?
Tears rose in her eyes and she looked at me clearly and said "So it is me isn't it? I'm the one who needs to work this out." "Yes" I said gently. And that doesn't mean that there is something defective in you. Most young women go through periods in their life when they feel insecure and jealous. But you are way ahead of them because you have the desire to figure out what's wrong so you can change it before it becomes a problem."
I told her that even I had tangled with the Green Eyed Monster as a young bride, and that I successfully overcame it, and so could she. She smiled and seemed to feel great relief. She had a new understanding and a goal to work toward, and most of all she was motivated by the love of her family and her desire to love herself; and to make this change a priority in her life.
Before one can change a problem, we first have to recognize that there is a problem. Once we realize there is a problem we need to have the courage to deal with it and replace it with something positive that will enrich our life.
Intellectually she understands that he has done nothing wrong, but emotionally she feels terrified that he will eventually see another woman and then leave her. She wanted to know how she can learn how to trust people.
I realized that in the few seconds we had in the hallway there was no magic answer I could offer that would bring her the peace that she desired. What I did say was this - I told her that irrational jealousy (the kind that is not based on fact but on emotion alone) has nothing to do with trusting one's spouse. I told her that in fact this type of jealousy is rooted in her negative feelings about herself, and her belief that she wasn't good enough or pretty enough or wife enough for him - or any man. Deep down She had great difficulty loving herself and so it was very difficult for her to understand how anyone else could love her.
So she was creating a dialog in her mind that told her that one of these days he will discover just how worthless she is and then he will go off with a real woman. She doesn't trust herself enough to believe that she can be a good enough person for this man who is so loving, spiritual and wonderful - surely she didn't truly deserve him right?
Tears rose in her eyes and she looked at me clearly and said "So it is me isn't it? I'm the one who needs to work this out." "Yes" I said gently. And that doesn't mean that there is something defective in you. Most young women go through periods in their life when they feel insecure and jealous. But you are way ahead of them because you have the desire to figure out what's wrong so you can change it before it becomes a problem."
I told her that even I had tangled with the Green Eyed Monster as a young bride, and that I successfully overcame it, and so could she. She smiled and seemed to feel great relief. She had a new understanding and a goal to work toward, and most of all she was motivated by the love of her family and her desire to love herself; and to make this change a priority in her life.
Before one can change a problem, we first have to recognize that there is a problem. Once we realize there is a problem we need to have the courage to deal with it and replace it with something positive that will enrich our life.
Tuesday
Controling Behavior and Insecurity
All successful intimate relationships are based on each partner being selfless and forgiving to a great degree. Many people come into couples therapy believing that their troubles are based on money or sexual discord. More often than not, these are just symptoms of a greater problem - that of selfishness and blame.
What most couples don't understand is that all their heated arguments are grounded in selfishness. And nearly all selfishness is based on fear. When we argue it is because we are selfishly attempting to get the other person to stop telling us how they feel and start listening to how we feel. That is selfish. In fact both need to stop insisting that they be heard and start listening to the other.
We fight because we are afraid of something. Perhaps we are afraid of not being heard, or maybe we fear not being taken seriously. The most common fear in marital discord is the fear of loosing control. We insist on pursuing our desire and inflicting our opinions because we fear loosing control of the situation. On some level we have told ourselves that if we can make everyone around us do things our way then we can feel secure and in control of our world.
Of course the truth is that we can never control others nor the world around us to any significant degree. We feel the intense need to control others because deep inside we feel unable to control our own inner world. So we focus on what is outside of us in an attempt to keep the raging insecurity we feel at bay.
When we feel secure in the belief that we are capable of dealing with whatever the world throws our way, then we no longer feel the need to control others or the world around us. It is only when we feel insecure about our ability to deal with life and its curve balls that we go overboard trying to keep our environment in perfect order.
What most couples don't understand is that all their heated arguments are grounded in selfishness. And nearly all selfishness is based on fear. When we argue it is because we are selfishly attempting to get the other person to stop telling us how they feel and start listening to how we feel. That is selfish. In fact both need to stop insisting that they be heard and start listening to the other.
We fight because we are afraid of something. Perhaps we are afraid of not being heard, or maybe we fear not being taken seriously. The most common fear in marital discord is the fear of loosing control. We insist on pursuing our desire and inflicting our opinions because we fear loosing control of the situation. On some level we have told ourselves that if we can make everyone around us do things our way then we can feel secure and in control of our world.
Of course the truth is that we can never control others nor the world around us to any significant degree. We feel the intense need to control others because deep inside we feel unable to control our own inner world. So we focus on what is outside of us in an attempt to keep the raging insecurity we feel at bay.
When we feel secure in the belief that we are capable of dealing with whatever the world throws our way, then we no longer feel the need to control others or the world around us. It is only when we feel insecure about our ability to deal with life and its curve balls that we go overboard trying to keep our environment in perfect order.
Wednesday
Will Your Marriage Last? Beyond Love, Money & Sex
Every new bride and groom fantasize that their marriage will be that one made in heaven, the one that lasts forever. In love, and blinded by the intense emotions and hormones that a young couple feels, it is easy to overlook the warning signs that their marriage may be doomed from the start.
Here are some proven, statistical truths that you can use as your guideline before jumping head-over-heals into marriage.
1. No doubt, getting married too young can be the downfall of a relationship later on. at 18 or 19 a humans brain hasn't finished developing yet. Consequently the way we feel, the type of person we are attracted to and the person we are will dramatically change by the time we are 25. Statistics show that the best odds for staying married applies to couples who are around age 28 when they say "I do." Love isn't enough - a long lasting relationship takes a great deal of maturity too.
2. First marriage in the United States have about a 40-50% chance of ending in divorce. If one or both partners have been married once before the likely hood of divorce goes up to about 67%. If their are any children involved the probability of a divorce goes up dramatically from there to between 70-75%. Each subsequent failed marriage a person has gone through increases the chance that a subsequent marriage will end in divorce.
3. The more basic-lifestyle similarities a couple share the better their chances are for marrying for life. Specifically, if they share the same spiritual and/or religious beliefs, have similar cultural, social and racial backgrounds, and they share basic values, their marriage has a better chance of surviving and remaining fulfilling throughout their life together.
I know it is hard to look love in the face and be honest about your relationships probable downfalls, but rationalizing away your choice to marry for the wrong reasons can lead to a devastating conclusion. Beware and Be aware.
Here are some proven, statistical truths that you can use as your guideline before jumping head-over-heals into marriage.
1. No doubt, getting married too young can be the downfall of a relationship later on. at 18 or 19 a humans brain hasn't finished developing yet. Consequently the way we feel, the type of person we are attracted to and the person we are will dramatically change by the time we are 25. Statistics show that the best odds for staying married applies to couples who are around age 28 when they say "I do." Love isn't enough - a long lasting relationship takes a great deal of maturity too.
2. First marriage in the United States have about a 40-50% chance of ending in divorce. If one or both partners have been married once before the likely hood of divorce goes up to about 67%. If their are any children involved the probability of a divorce goes up dramatically from there to between 70-75%. Each subsequent failed marriage a person has gone through increases the chance that a subsequent marriage will end in divorce.
3. The more basic-lifestyle similarities a couple share the better their chances are for marrying for life. Specifically, if they share the same spiritual and/or religious beliefs, have similar cultural, social and racial backgrounds, and they share basic values, their marriage has a better chance of surviving and remaining fulfilling throughout their life together.
I know it is hard to look love in the face and be honest about your relationships probable downfalls, but rationalizing away your choice to marry for the wrong reasons can lead to a devastating conclusion. Beware and Be aware.
Friday
Getting What you Focus On
Why is it that we can so easily become so focused on our partner's faults that we let ourselves place our emotional energy on the negative instead of looking for and being grateful for the wonderful things about them that attracted us to begin with?
First we start to think about something that our partner does or doesn't do that annoys us, scares us or otherwise goes against our grain.
Then we begin to become resentful that they don't seem to be changing and becoming the person we wish them to be.
Finally we make attempts to control them, belittle them and/or complain about their supposed flaw.
The end result is that we train ourselves to focus on the negative instead of appreciating all the positives. And our partner begins to feel guilty, oppositional, and/or worthless.
Perhaps our man doesn't want to eat "girl food" and instead eats pizza and burgers. We may complain about it, ridicule him for it try to control his eating behaviors and in the end we become so worked up about food that we make the matter worse and our relationship begins to suffer.
Wouldn't it be better to stop trying to change our partner and instead focus our energy on loving them? Focusing on all the wonderful things s/he does to enrich our life, to bring happiness to our home and to make us smile would be a much better way to relate to them. And in the end, regardless of how much pizza he eats. both of you will be happier. Your children will grow up in a loving home and by seeing your example, they will learn how to pick their battles.
Of course all of us falter from time to time, and that doesn't mean your marriage is in trouble. If your moments of dissatisfaction are infrequent just acknowledging that you made a mistake and apologizing will go a very log way. Catching yourself and repairing the damage will help you to refrain from saying something negative the next time he does something you don't like.
There are no perfect people out there, and even if their were, they would have habits and quirks that occasionally annoyed us. So make a list of all the reasons you love your partner. Then think about how lucky you are to have that person in your life.
First we start to think about something that our partner does or doesn't do that annoys us, scares us or otherwise goes against our grain.
Then we begin to become resentful that they don't seem to be changing and becoming the person we wish them to be.
Finally we make attempts to control them, belittle them and/or complain about their supposed flaw.
The end result is that we train ourselves to focus on the negative instead of appreciating all the positives. And our partner begins to feel guilty, oppositional, and/or worthless.
Perhaps our man doesn't want to eat "girl food" and instead eats pizza and burgers. We may complain about it, ridicule him for it try to control his eating behaviors and in the end we become so worked up about food that we make the matter worse and our relationship begins to suffer.
Wouldn't it be better to stop trying to change our partner and instead focus our energy on loving them? Focusing on all the wonderful things s/he does to enrich our life, to bring happiness to our home and to make us smile would be a much better way to relate to them. And in the end, regardless of how much pizza he eats. both of you will be happier. Your children will grow up in a loving home and by seeing your example, they will learn how to pick their battles.
Of course all of us falter from time to time, and that doesn't mean your marriage is in trouble. If your moments of dissatisfaction are infrequent just acknowledging that you made a mistake and apologizing will go a very log way. Catching yourself and repairing the damage will help you to refrain from saying something negative the next time he does something you don't like.
There are no perfect people out there, and even if their were, they would have habits and quirks that occasionally annoyed us. So make a list of all the reasons you love your partner. Then think about how lucky you are to have that person in your life.
Saturday
Celebrity Marriages - Not role Models
What is it with celebrity marriages that lead most of them to a quick devorce? Read the stats below and send me your opinion about Hollywood marriages.
Shortest Celebrity Marriages
Britney Spears and Jason Allen Alexander. Lasted for 55 hours.
Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra. Lasted for 9 days in November 1998.
Mario Lopez married Ali Landry on 24 April 2004; two weeks later she had the marriage annulled.
Drew Barrymore and Jeremy Thomas, from 20 March to 28 April 1994.
Rick Rockwell and Darva Conger, married on the television program Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire February 15, 2000. Annulled April 5, 2000.
Colin Farrell and Amelia Warner, from July to November 2001.
Chad Michael Murray and Sophia Bush, married 16 April 2005, announced their separation 26 September 2005. Bush sought an annulment (citing “fraud”) in February 2006.
Jennifer Lopez and Cris Judd. Lasted 6 months.
Shannon Doherty and Ashley Hamilton. Lasted 6 months.
Axl Rose and Erin Everly, married April of 1990. Rose filed for divorce one month later, but the two made up; the marriage was annulled in January 1991.
Jennifer Lopez and Ojani Noa married on 22 February 1997, lasted 11 months
Drew Barrymore and Tom Green, married 7 July 2001, Green filled for divorce on 17 December 2001, became official 15 October 2002.
Liza Minnelli and David Gest, married from March 16, 2002 to July 25, 2003
Information provided by Wikipedia
Shortest Celebrity Marriages
Britney Spears and Jason Allen Alexander. Lasted for 55 hours.
Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra. Lasted for 9 days in November 1998.
Mario Lopez married Ali Landry on 24 April 2004; two weeks later she had the marriage annulled.
Drew Barrymore and Jeremy Thomas, from 20 March to 28 April 1994.
Rick Rockwell and Darva Conger, married on the television program Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire February 15, 2000. Annulled April 5, 2000.
Colin Farrell and Amelia Warner, from July to November 2001.
Chad Michael Murray and Sophia Bush, married 16 April 2005, announced their separation 26 September 2005. Bush sought an annulment (citing “fraud”) in February 2006.
Jennifer Lopez and Cris Judd. Lasted 6 months.
Shannon Doherty and Ashley Hamilton. Lasted 6 months.
Axl Rose and Erin Everly, married April of 1990. Rose filed for divorce one month later, but the two made up; the marriage was annulled in January 1991.
Jennifer Lopez and Ojani Noa married on 22 February 1997, lasted 11 months
Drew Barrymore and Tom Green, married 7 July 2001, Green filled for divorce on 17 December 2001, became official 15 October 2002.
Liza Minnelli and David Gest, married from March 16, 2002 to July 25, 2003
Information provided by Wikipedia
Tuesday
In Sickness and in Health
One of the most loving couples I ever knew was well-to-do man and his wife of many years. I never tired of seeing them together – how he doted over her, caressed her hair and gently putting his arm around her as they sat together. They were in their late 30’s, and she was paralyzed from the neck down.
Every Sunday he would dress her in a lovely outfit, fix her hair just so, and position her in her wheel chair with her hands folded on her lap and her legs together, leaning to one side in a casual yet feminine way. She always looked as though she was ready for a photo shoot – pristine, lovely.
Speech was difficult for her so after church he helped her chat with her friends by interpreting for her. He was selfless, dedicated and wonderful. I remember one Sunday he was asked to speak in church. As he stood at the pulpit I realized that it was the only time I’d seen him without her by his side. But he looked at her lovingly as he spoke and they still seemed so connected.
He spoke about their life together before the car accident, their children and how wonderful their years together had been. But what struck me most was when he spoke about the vows he had made with her on their wedding day all those years before. His eyes filled with tears as he expressed his eternal love for her, and he shared his commitment to keep those vows. It wasn’t difficult, he said, it was an opportunity to show her every day how much he loved her.
To love honor and cherish, in sickness and in health… True intimacy isn’t about getting your needs met, agreeing to disagree or communication. It is about creating an enduring love that binds your souls together forever. It is about making and taking your vows seriously, and committing to keep them…forever.
Every Sunday he would dress her in a lovely outfit, fix her hair just so, and position her in her wheel chair with her hands folded on her lap and her legs together, leaning to one side in a casual yet feminine way. She always looked as though she was ready for a photo shoot – pristine, lovely.
Speech was difficult for her so after church he helped her chat with her friends by interpreting for her. He was selfless, dedicated and wonderful. I remember one Sunday he was asked to speak in church. As he stood at the pulpit I realized that it was the only time I’d seen him without her by his side. But he looked at her lovingly as he spoke and they still seemed so connected.
He spoke about their life together before the car accident, their children and how wonderful their years together had been. But what struck me most was when he spoke about the vows he had made with her on their wedding day all those years before. His eyes filled with tears as he expressed his eternal love for her, and he shared his commitment to keep those vows. It wasn’t difficult, he said, it was an opportunity to show her every day how much he loved her.
To love honor and cherish, in sickness and in health… True intimacy isn’t about getting your needs met, agreeing to disagree or communication. It is about creating an enduring love that binds your souls together forever. It is about making and taking your vows seriously, and committing to keep them…forever.
Abusive Boyfriends - Virginia Tech Massacre
This morning the biggest massacre in US history took place at Virginia Tech. 32 innocent people were gunned down by a gunman who then killed himself. Because the latest information is indicating that the gunman may have been a scorned boyfriend, I am using this blog to once again, list the 20 warning signs of an abusive boyfriend. My thoughts and prayers are with those who are suffering tonight.
20 Warning signs of an abusive boyfriend
1. He likes to play rough or wrestle with you
2. He tries to tell you what you should/should not wear
3. He tells you who you can/cannot be friends with - controlling
4. He checks up on you often to see where you are or what you are doing or expects you to check in with him frequently - isolates you from friends & family
5. He is aggressive in other areas of his life or with other people
6. He has explosive outbursts or a "Jeckel/Hyde" personality
7. He thinks pushing (even in "fun") is not abuse
8. You feel that you cannot do any better than him
9. He does not take responsibility for his own words or actions - blames you for his bad behavior
10. Has great difficulty expressing a wide range of emotions other than anger
11. Has little or no empathy for others
12. He minimizes and rationalizes his abusive actions and words - "it wasn't that bad," or "she deserved it."
13. He tries to monopolize your life (expecting you to spend all your time with him)
14. Says, "I love you" very early on in the relationship (within a few weeks)
15. Confuses jealousy/possessiveness with love
16. Often has an abusive home-life
17. May do drugs/alcohol
18. May have guns or a weapon collection
19. He calls you sexist or derogatory names, as if they were terms of endearment
20. Threatens to hurt himself or you if he doesn't get his way or if you talk about leaving him.
20 Warning signs of an abusive boyfriend
1. He likes to play rough or wrestle with you
2. He tries to tell you what you should/should not wear
3. He tells you who you can/cannot be friends with - controlling
4. He checks up on you often to see where you are or what you are doing or expects you to check in with him frequently - isolates you from friends & family
5. He is aggressive in other areas of his life or with other people
6. He has explosive outbursts or a "Jeckel/Hyde" personality
7. He thinks pushing (even in "fun") is not abuse
8. You feel that you cannot do any better than him
9. He does not take responsibility for his own words or actions - blames you for his bad behavior
10. Has great difficulty expressing a wide range of emotions other than anger
11. Has little or no empathy for others
12. He minimizes and rationalizes his abusive actions and words - "it wasn't that bad," or "she deserved it."
13. He tries to monopolize your life (expecting you to spend all your time with him)
14. Says, "I love you" very early on in the relationship (within a few weeks)
15. Confuses jealousy/possessiveness with love
16. Often has an abusive home-life
17. May do drugs/alcohol
18. May have guns or a weapon collection
19. He calls you sexist or derogatory names, as if they were terms of endearment
20. Threatens to hurt himself or you if he doesn't get his way or if you talk about leaving him.
To The Rescue - Defending your Mate
Scene in a restaurant:
A mother scolds her six-year-old son for hitting his his brother. The boy turns to his mother and yells "That's stupid!" The father instantly turns to the six-year-old, looks the boy in the eyes and says, "You are disrespecting the woman I love. I don't ever want to hear you yell at her again."
It is no coincidence that as the level of respect for adult authority drops in our society, the levels of elder abuse and domestic crimes go up. Likewise, the stronger and more unified the parental unit is, the happier children are in the home environment. These are not unsubstantiated statements, they are fact.
One of the best ways to state the power of your love for your spouse is to come to their defense when you hear someone speaking disrespectfully to them or attempting to take liberties with them. It is in fact your duty to protect your spouse, physically, spiritually and emotionally from any form of attack. This doesn't infer that you believe that they are not capable of protecting themselves, it is instead, setting boundaries for your children and the world that implies that you will not tolerate abuse of any kind toward your loved ones.
Your children, and even your friends and extended family will learn that you expect them to conduct themselves respectfully toward your loved ones. Consequently, your children will begin to learn empathy for others as well as the value of a loving relationship. And everyone else will learn that they cannot come between you and your spouse.
Be an example of love and respect to the ones who mean the most to you.
A mother scolds her six-year-old son for hitting his his brother. The boy turns to his mother and yells "That's stupid!" The father instantly turns to the six-year-old, looks the boy in the eyes and says, "You are disrespecting the woman I love. I don't ever want to hear you yell at her again."
It is no coincidence that as the level of respect for adult authority drops in our society, the levels of elder abuse and domestic crimes go up. Likewise, the stronger and more unified the parental unit is, the happier children are in the home environment. These are not unsubstantiated statements, they are fact.
One of the best ways to state the power of your love for your spouse is to come to their defense when you hear someone speaking disrespectfully to them or attempting to take liberties with them. It is in fact your duty to protect your spouse, physically, spiritually and emotionally from any form of attack. This doesn't infer that you believe that they are not capable of protecting themselves, it is instead, setting boundaries for your children and the world that implies that you will not tolerate abuse of any kind toward your loved ones.
Your children, and even your friends and extended family will learn that you expect them to conduct themselves respectfully toward your loved ones. Consequently, your children will begin to learn empathy for others as well as the value of a loving relationship. And everyone else will learn that they cannot come between you and your spouse.
Be an example of love and respect to the ones who mean the most to you.
Saying "I Do Not" May Save Your Life
If you have tuned into any of those detective shows or the real crime dramas lately, you may have notice that after murdering their spouse, the killer makes a statement like this: "The minute I said 'I do' I knew I was making a big mistake."
I have known several people who, during a divorce claimed that they had serious doubts about marrying their partner, but they felt that it was too late to back out - too much hassle to send back presents or to have to talk to the guests and explain yourself while hearing un-asked for opinions that have little to do with your situation.
I have a cousin who had arranged a huge, very costly wedding in a temple that was so popular that she had to jump through hoops to get everything else planned around it. She had friends and family literally from all over the world flying in for the big event. But for weeks she had secretly been having doubts. She didn't even tell her mother or her best friend because she felt so afraid of the ridicule that would come her way if she backed out at this point.
So on her wedding day, kneeling across the alter from her fiancee, she began to cry. These weren't tear's of happiness, they were tears of panic, and a sure knowledge that this was going to become a very bad union.
When it came time for the "I Do" she tearfully said "I can't" She stood and apologized to everyone in the room and told them that she had the strongest feeling that she was marrying the wrong man. It all caused quite a stir, but it wasn't long before the ripples settled down and she was able to see that she had made the right choice.
Her fiancee went on to marry another beautiful young woman, and it wasn't long before she was being physically abused. Within 7 years she was dead, he was in jail and the young children were in shelters.
You have gut feeling for a reason, You need to become aware of them and listen to them. No amount of embarrassment is greater than the death of a young mother or the pain children feel when they are raised in an unhappy home.
I have known several people who, during a divorce claimed that they had serious doubts about marrying their partner, but they felt that it was too late to back out - too much hassle to send back presents or to have to talk to the guests and explain yourself while hearing un-asked for opinions that have little to do with your situation.
I have a cousin who had arranged a huge, very costly wedding in a temple that was so popular that she had to jump through hoops to get everything else planned around it. She had friends and family literally from all over the world flying in for the big event. But for weeks she had secretly been having doubts. She didn't even tell her mother or her best friend because she felt so afraid of the ridicule that would come her way if she backed out at this point.
So on her wedding day, kneeling across the alter from her fiancee, she began to cry. These weren't tear's of happiness, they were tears of panic, and a sure knowledge that this was going to become a very bad union.
When it came time for the "I Do" she tearfully said "I can't" She stood and apologized to everyone in the room and told them that she had the strongest feeling that she was marrying the wrong man. It all caused quite a stir, but it wasn't long before the ripples settled down and she was able to see that she had made the right choice.
Her fiancee went on to marry another beautiful young woman, and it wasn't long before she was being physically abused. Within 7 years she was dead, he was in jail and the young children were in shelters.
You have gut feeling for a reason, You need to become aware of them and listen to them. No amount of embarrassment is greater than the death of a young mother or the pain children feel when they are raised in an unhappy home.
Four Steps to a Happier Marriage
Women often ask me what I consider to be the most important qualities in a successful marriage. I tell them there are too many to list, but there are a few that are at the top of my priority list. Here are four important qualities to a successful relationship.
* Give up unnecessary control and responsibility
Too often we women are so afraid of loosing control of our lives that we go overboard attempting to control everyone and everything around us. But attempting to control your man is a sure-fire way to cause him to begin to feel resentful and annoyed with you. Women need to realize and accept that their husband is an adult and is very capable of making up his own mind about how he conducts himself in life. Trying to control his behaviors is a way of elevating yourself (insinuating that you are perfect and nave all the right answers) and putting him down (suggesting that he doesn't know enough to make right choices). No one wants to live with that for any length of time.
* Express your needs while also respecting your husband's choices
Learning to express your opinion and feelings in a clear and honest way is a great way to create intimacy and trust in a relationship - unless you have a hidden agenda. Expecting that your husband should change his way of thinking or behaving because YOU have certain feelings is a recipe for failure. Wanting to be listened to is great, but expecting him to change because of your feelings is detrimental to even the strongest relationship. Get over yourself and let him have his own thoughts and feelings. Learn how to agree to disagree.
* Resist the temptation to criticize, belittle or dismiss your husband
This one seems to be a no-brainer, but you might be surprised how often I hear women castrate their man in front of him or to their friends and acquaintances. Focusing on the negative is another way of holding him to unrealistic expectations while attempting to elevate yourself. Negativity leads to negativity. Start replacing your criticism with praise and you will begin to see your relationships blossom. Even if he never hears it, talking about him in a positive way will help you be happier in the relationhip overall.
* Trust your husband in every aspect of marriage - from sexual to financial.
Regardless of the influences of the woman's movements in the US, men still tend to feel happiest when they believe that they are properly taking care of their family. It really doesn't matter what your opinion is on this subject, it is still the truth. So learning how to appreciate the things your man does for you and your family is a great way to bring the two of you together in a positive way. Help him understand just how important he is to you and the family, and support his efforts to take care of you. He will feel like a real man and you will reap the benefits.
* Give up unnecessary control and responsibility
Too often we women are so afraid of loosing control of our lives that we go overboard attempting to control everyone and everything around us. But attempting to control your man is a sure-fire way to cause him to begin to feel resentful and annoyed with you. Women need to realize and accept that their husband is an adult and is very capable of making up his own mind about how he conducts himself in life. Trying to control his behaviors is a way of elevating yourself (insinuating that you are perfect and nave all the right answers) and putting him down (suggesting that he doesn't know enough to make right choices). No one wants to live with that for any length of time.
* Express your needs while also respecting your husband's choices
Learning to express your opinion and feelings in a clear and honest way is a great way to create intimacy and trust in a relationship - unless you have a hidden agenda. Expecting that your husband should change his way of thinking or behaving because YOU have certain feelings is a recipe for failure. Wanting to be listened to is great, but expecting him to change because of your feelings is detrimental to even the strongest relationship. Get over yourself and let him have his own thoughts and feelings. Learn how to agree to disagree.
* Resist the temptation to criticize, belittle or dismiss your husband
This one seems to be a no-brainer, but you might be surprised how often I hear women castrate their man in front of him or to their friends and acquaintances. Focusing on the negative is another way of holding him to unrealistic expectations while attempting to elevate yourself. Negativity leads to negativity. Start replacing your criticism with praise and you will begin to see your relationships blossom. Even if he never hears it, talking about him in a positive way will help you be happier in the relationhip overall.
* Trust your husband in every aspect of marriage - from sexual to financial.
Regardless of the influences of the woman's movements in the US, men still tend to feel happiest when they believe that they are properly taking care of their family. It really doesn't matter what your opinion is on this subject, it is still the truth. So learning how to appreciate the things your man does for you and your family is a great way to bring the two of you together in a positive way. Help him understand just how important he is to you and the family, and support his efforts to take care of you. He will feel like a real man and you will reap the benefits.
Calming Each Other in Times of Stress
Everyone experiences stress differently. Learning to recognize your own early warning signs of stress is necessary for your mental health, but learning how to recognize your partner's signs of stress can improve your relationship.
Men and women typically react to stress differently from one another, and events that are stressful to you may not be as stressful to your spouse. So learning to recognize your loved ones' symptoms can help you offer calming support instead of misunderstanding.
Begin by talking with your partner about how each of you reacts to stressful situations. Then discuss how each of you would like to be supported during those difficult times. Some people just want to have their feelings acknowledged while others would prefer to have a shoulder to cry on or time to talk about their anxiety.
Regardless of how your special someone responds to stress, knowing how to soothe each other will not only bring relief, but your level of connectedness and intimacy will increase as well.
Men and women typically react to stress differently from one another, and events that are stressful to you may not be as stressful to your spouse. So learning to recognize your loved ones' symptoms can help you offer calming support instead of misunderstanding.
Begin by talking with your partner about how each of you reacts to stressful situations. Then discuss how each of you would like to be supported during those difficult times. Some people just want to have their feelings acknowledged while others would prefer to have a shoulder to cry on or time to talk about their anxiety.
Regardless of how your special someone responds to stress, knowing how to soothe each other will not only bring relief, but your level of connectedness and intimacy will increase as well.
Wednesday
Creating a Happy, Lifelong Relationship
Today is my birthday so my husband has set me up with a full day at the Nordstrom Spa. He didn't tell me what he had arranged until we got to San Francisco. I told him that he made a great decision.
Everyone needs time away from the daily grind once in a while, even from each other.
Even in the best relationships couples need to pay attention to themselves on a regular basis - to re-charge their identity as an independent person. These times away from each other needn't be long periods of time. It might just be a couple of hours a week doing something that each is passionate about. When you frequently indulge in a passion, your overall passion for life increases. As a side effect to your rejuvenating time for yourself, you begin to feel more passionate about your family and life in general; because you regularly stir up those wonderful feelings that make you so happy about living.
So Tomorrow while he is working I will be luxuriating. Afterwards we will be together for the rest of the afternoon and we will probably go to China Town.
It is interesting to me to realize that after 30 years of marriage we still love spending so much time together. Part of the reason is that we know each other so well that we feel an intimacy that one cannot find in any short term relationship. This kind of intimacy takes decades to grow and develop to the degree that our is. We don't feel the need to entertain each other and yet we do. We love to just be with each other regardless of the activity or lack of activity we are enjoying.
Today I will appreciate his thoughtfulness all morning long as I'm being pampered and he is across the bay working. This afternoon we will walk hand in hand through the streets of San Francisco as we have done so many times before. But this time, it won't be the souvenir shopping or the sights that makes this vacation great. It will be the depth of love we have for each other that will make it special.
Creating a life long intimate relationship is something that takes undying commitment to create. It takes a lack of selfishness and an intense desire to please your partner. More than any other relationship in life it takes a tenacious, continual pattern of forgiveness and the ability to be humble and willing enough to change your own negative patterns before you expect him to make changes for you.
Everyone needs time away from the daily grind once in a while, even from each other.
Even in the best relationships couples need to pay attention to themselves on a regular basis - to re-charge their identity as an independent person. These times away from each other needn't be long periods of time. It might just be a couple of hours a week doing something that each is passionate about. When you frequently indulge in a passion, your overall passion for life increases. As a side effect to your rejuvenating time for yourself, you begin to feel more passionate about your family and life in general; because you regularly stir up those wonderful feelings that make you so happy about living.
So Tomorrow while he is working I will be luxuriating. Afterwards we will be together for the rest of the afternoon and we will probably go to China Town.
It is interesting to me to realize that after 30 years of marriage we still love spending so much time together. Part of the reason is that we know each other so well that we feel an intimacy that one cannot find in any short term relationship. This kind of intimacy takes decades to grow and develop to the degree that our is. We don't feel the need to entertain each other and yet we do. We love to just be with each other regardless of the activity or lack of activity we are enjoying.
Today I will appreciate his thoughtfulness all morning long as I'm being pampered and he is across the bay working. This afternoon we will walk hand in hand through the streets of San Francisco as we have done so many times before. But this time, it won't be the souvenir shopping or the sights that makes this vacation great. It will be the depth of love we have for each other that will make it special.
Creating a life long intimate relationship is something that takes undying commitment to create. It takes a lack of selfishness and an intense desire to please your partner. More than any other relationship in life it takes a tenacious, continual pattern of forgiveness and the ability to be humble and willing enough to change your own negative patterns before you expect him to make changes for you.
Tuesday
Divorce - Is It Right For You? Part - 1
According to the National Statistics Website the current (2006) divorce rate was about 52 percent in the USA. That number includes those who have had more than one divorce. The numbers can get confusing so let me paraphrase by stating that across the board for every couple that remains married for life there is another who does not. If you have 4 close friends all of whom are married, at some time in life two of them will divorce.
Marriage is the most work you will ever enjoy! Divorce is about getting out, giving up, and beginning to think about who else is out there that might be better at making sure your needs are met. Truth is that until you are really good at meeting your own needs, no relationship will be what you expect it to be. That leads me to my next topic: When is the right time to divorce? Here are some tips:
If there are no children involved, go right ahead and mess things us as much as you want with each other. If you want to inflict emotional pain on someone it might as well be you. But if you truly want to move past this relationship and become better prepared to make the next relationship one that lasts a lifetime then you must find a way to remain rational, unemotional and compassionate to your partner while drawing up the divorce settlement and even afterwards when you see each other at the bank. Anger is just left over love that still feels hurt.
It is just another emotional tie to your X that you haven't dealt with yet, and it keeps the two you tied together no matter how long it has been or how in love you think you are with someone else. And those ugly, unavoidable ties will begin to tie your new relationship up into knots as well. Burning bridges only stops you from being able to choose which direction to go from here...Hint: The more emotion you have about this divorce the less ready you are to move on! That is a Fact!
Fact #2: If there are children involved, you have no right to divorce unless and until you - both of you have done everything within your power to make it work. That means you stop fighting, and find a calm way to interact with each other while you work out the details. Both of you have the ability to control your anger at work and at church so you CAN do it at home as well. Fighting is NOT going to help the process get better! This means you must be willing to stop playing the crazy making games and replace them with honest listening and problem solving thought processes. It means you have to be humble instead of the biggest winner or the most right. Positive things come from positive interactions. Stop making it all about you and start hearing your partner's thoughts and feelings for a change. Work together to make a compromise on every issue that comes up in the discussion.
Fact#3: Never fight in front of children or do anything that will give them the sense that your problems are their fault. Children already are eager to guilt themselves, you need to let them know that they have nothing to do with your problems. If child abuse or any type of domestic violence is a major factor in your problematic relationship you owe it to your children to get away from them until you can be 100% certain that they will no longer live in fear because of your abuse/anger issues. In a healthy divorce, parents realize that the real victims are the children and they do whatever they can to protect the children from the ugliness of the adults problems. Work your issues out with yourself and your counselor, not in front of your family!
Part 2 Next Week: How to put the "D" word onto the back burner.
Click Here to Go to Psych-Net Mental Health for help during the week or anytime.
Marriage is the most work you will ever enjoy! Divorce is about getting out, giving up, and beginning to think about who else is out there that might be better at making sure your needs are met. Truth is that until you are really good at meeting your own needs, no relationship will be what you expect it to be. That leads me to my next topic: When is the right time to divorce? Here are some tips:
If there are no children involved, go right ahead and mess things us as much as you want with each other. If you want to inflict emotional pain on someone it might as well be you. But if you truly want to move past this relationship and become better prepared to make the next relationship one that lasts a lifetime then you must find a way to remain rational, unemotional and compassionate to your partner while drawing up the divorce settlement and even afterwards when you see each other at the bank. Anger is just left over love that still feels hurt.
It is just another emotional tie to your X that you haven't dealt with yet, and it keeps the two you tied together no matter how long it has been or how in love you think you are with someone else. And those ugly, unavoidable ties will begin to tie your new relationship up into knots as well. Burning bridges only stops you from being able to choose which direction to go from here...Hint: The more emotion you have about this divorce the less ready you are to move on! That is a Fact!
Fact #2: If there are children involved, you have no right to divorce unless and until you - both of you have done everything within your power to make it work. That means you stop fighting, and find a calm way to interact with each other while you work out the details. Both of you have the ability to control your anger at work and at church so you CAN do it at home as well. Fighting is NOT going to help the process get better! This means you must be willing to stop playing the crazy making games and replace them with honest listening and problem solving thought processes. It means you have to be humble instead of the biggest winner or the most right. Positive things come from positive interactions. Stop making it all about you and start hearing your partner's thoughts and feelings for a change. Work together to make a compromise on every issue that comes up in the discussion.
Fact#3: Never fight in front of children or do anything that will give them the sense that your problems are their fault. Children already are eager to guilt themselves, you need to let them know that they have nothing to do with your problems. If child abuse or any type of domestic violence is a major factor in your problematic relationship you owe it to your children to get away from them until you can be 100% certain that they will no longer live in fear because of your abuse/anger issues. In a healthy divorce, parents realize that the real victims are the children and they do whatever they can to protect the children from the ugliness of the adults problems. Work your issues out with yourself and your counselor, not in front of your family!
Part 2 Next Week: How to put the "D" word onto the back burner.
Click Here to Go to Psych-Net Mental Health for help during the week or anytime.
Monday
Don't Allow Lust and Addiction to Ruin Your Relationship
Pornography has become the most damaging virus on your computer. Perhaps you aren't a purveyor of porn, but if you have an internet connection available to you, you are at risk of ruining your relationships and your life. Pornography is fast becoming one of the most common reasons for broken homes in America. So today I'm leaving you with some research statistics so that you can better keep your family from becoming a casualty.
* Psychologist Edward Donnerstein, at the University of Wisconsin, conducted a study that found that even brief exposure to violent forms of pornography can lead to anti-social attitudes and behavior including psychopathy and violent crime. Other studies back his up.
* Exposure to pornography may diminish a person's capacity for true intimacy. Researchers have found that those exposed to nonviolent pornography indicated a diminished satisfaction with their partner's physical appearance, affection, and physical intimacy. Porn is fake, yet it causes one to expect the impossible from intimate relationships.
* Nationwide studies show that where the circulation rates of pornography are up, so are the rape rates. Although rape is not usually a sexual act, but an act of violence, there is some correlation here.
* Approximately 70 percent of the pornographic magazines sold end up in the hands of minors ( The Pornography Plague , Kerby Anderson). Those minors cannot all be someone else's children. Do we know what our children are experiencing — and accepting as a norm? What kind of marriages will they be able to create once their norms have shifted away from healthy moral standards?
* When viewing of pornography becomes habitual, there is a correlative increase in doubts about the value of marriage. Again, immersion into that fantasy world interferes with one's ability to separate fantasy from reality.
Don't rush to assume that you and your family or friends are incapable of giving in to this insidious and destructive force. In today's world, all of us need to be continually committed to stay away from any form of pornography.
Remember, not to condemn is to condone!
* Psychologist Edward Donnerstein, at the University of Wisconsin, conducted a study that found that even brief exposure to violent forms of pornography can lead to anti-social attitudes and behavior including psychopathy and violent crime. Other studies back his up.
* Exposure to pornography may diminish a person's capacity for true intimacy. Researchers have found that those exposed to nonviolent pornography indicated a diminished satisfaction with their partner's physical appearance, affection, and physical intimacy. Porn is fake, yet it causes one to expect the impossible from intimate relationships.
* Nationwide studies show that where the circulation rates of pornography are up, so are the rape rates. Although rape is not usually a sexual act, but an act of violence, there is some correlation here.
* Approximately 70 percent of the pornographic magazines sold end up in the hands of minors ( The Pornography Plague , Kerby Anderson). Those minors cannot all be someone else's children. Do we know what our children are experiencing — and accepting as a norm? What kind of marriages will they be able to create once their norms have shifted away from healthy moral standards?
* When viewing of pornography becomes habitual, there is a correlative increase in doubts about the value of marriage. Again, immersion into that fantasy world interferes with one's ability to separate fantasy from reality.
Don't rush to assume that you and your family or friends are incapable of giving in to this insidious and destructive force. In today's world, all of us need to be continually committed to stay away from any form of pornography.
Remember, not to condemn is to condone!
Tuesday
Dating - Still Important After the Ceremony
It is human nature to become complacent and to take life for granted when things are going smoothly. In relationships, the honeymoon eventually fades into the background and the complexities of daily life take hold. It is because of those daily complexities that continuing to date each other regularly is important.
Creating a habit of spending quality time together without the kids and the cell phone is one of the best ways for couples to refresh their feelings for each other and to re-ignite the spark between them. Too often couples rationalize that their relationship doesn't need "refreshing," or that they just can't arrange the time or the money that dating would incur. But ask someone in an already troubled relationship if it would have been worth the effort, time and money to maintain a happy relationship and they will likely tell you "yes."
It is easy to look back on a troubled relationship and see what you could have done differently, but it is very hard to see the beginnings of disengagement. To get you through the difficult times, and to help prevent them, it is important to create habits of re-establishing your love for one another on a regular basis.
Make dating once a week a regular part of your life schedule. If money is an issue, be creative and plan events that are inexpensive or free. Even if you just go for a drive or go to a mall and share a milkshake while you watch people go by, the time spent together will be what you remember, not how much money you spent.
Here is an article that will give you some great ideas for fun and inexpensive dates.
http://www.scapades.com/Blog/?cat=10
Creating a habit of spending quality time together without the kids and the cell phone is one of the best ways for couples to refresh their feelings for each other and to re-ignite the spark between them. Too often couples rationalize that their relationship doesn't need "refreshing," or that they just can't arrange the time or the money that dating would incur. But ask someone in an already troubled relationship if it would have been worth the effort, time and money to maintain a happy relationship and they will likely tell you "yes."
It is easy to look back on a troubled relationship and see what you could have done differently, but it is very hard to see the beginnings of disengagement. To get you through the difficult times, and to help prevent them, it is important to create habits of re-establishing your love for one another on a regular basis.
Make dating once a week a regular part of your life schedule. If money is an issue, be creative and plan events that are inexpensive or free. Even if you just go for a drive or go to a mall and share a milkshake while you watch people go by, the time spent together will be what you remember, not how much money you spent.
Here is an article that will give you some great ideas for fun and inexpensive dates.
http://www.scapades.com/Blog/?cat=10
How to Have a Happier Marriage
Here are 3 more steps to developing a happier marriage:
Stop finger-pointing.
Some people are habitual blamers. Regardless of the core issue, they want to know who started it. Some people are fixers - they don't care who did it; they just want a solution. If your partner is like this try something new - reassure him/her at the beginning of a discussion that s/he is not to blame; Let them know that you just needed to talk and get their valuable input. It won't be long before the two of you start to solve problems together.
Handle his ego with care.
Even when your tone is sweet and your message loving, husbands can be quick to feel criticized. It may be hard to believe that a simple request to rinse the dishes before loading them in the dishwasher could truly wound a big, tough guy. The truth is, any request to do things differently can be interpreted as criticism, even if you don't mean it that way. Instead, learn to talk about the problem rather than his actions. Not "When you don't rinse, the dishes stay dirty," but "I notice the dishes aren't getting very clean. Do you think it's the soap, or the dishwasher, or...?" He'll jump in and suggest rinsing them first.
Flirt, flirt, flirt.
A girl at school told my friend's son that he was "really hot." My husband said rather wistfully, "I wish someone would tell me that!" Men love being adored, and it's fun to adore your man. Sneak your hand into his at a party. Whisper a sexy thought in his ear. Or just tell him that, to you, he's really hot.
Stop finger-pointing.
Some people are habitual blamers. Regardless of the core issue, they want to know who started it. Some people are fixers - they don't care who did it; they just want a solution. If your partner is like this try something new - reassure him/her at the beginning of a discussion that s/he is not to blame; Let them know that you just needed to talk and get their valuable input. It won't be long before the two of you start to solve problems together.
Handle his ego with care.
Even when your tone is sweet and your message loving, husbands can be quick to feel criticized. It may be hard to believe that a simple request to rinse the dishes before loading them in the dishwasher could truly wound a big, tough guy. The truth is, any request to do things differently can be interpreted as criticism, even if you don't mean it that way. Instead, learn to talk about the problem rather than his actions. Not "When you don't rinse, the dishes stay dirty," but "I notice the dishes aren't getting very clean. Do you think it's the soap, or the dishwasher, or...?" He'll jump in and suggest rinsing them first.
Flirt, flirt, flirt.
A girl at school told my friend's son that he was "really hot." My husband said rather wistfully, "I wish someone would tell me that!" Men love being adored, and it's fun to adore your man. Sneak your hand into his at a party. Whisper a sexy thought in his ear. Or just tell him that, to you, he's really hot.
Who Should Wear the Pants in Your Home?
When it comes to making major decisions every couple has their unwritten rules. Some agree to discuss the situation and make a decision together; others agree to assign one person the final decision making role and some make decisions independently without regard to their spouses opinion. Whatever the "rules" are the most important factor is how each person feels about them.
The idea of designating one partner as the "decision maker" might seem painfully old fashioned to some people but if that is the arrangement that each is happy with and has agreed to, who is to say that it isn't right.
All of us go into relationships with certain expectations of ourselves and of each other. It is when those expectations aren't discussed and agreed upon that trouble happens. Someone with "old-fashioned" values who marries someone who expects to relate on a level playing field, is likely to have difficulty when the two sets of expectations collide.
If you haven't already discussed at length your expectations of each other, make it a high priority to do so before getting into a committed relationship. If you are already in a committed relationship then talking about "the rules" and coming to an agreement with one another will help prevent future problems.
It doesn't matter how long you have known each other, s/he cannot read your mind nor assume your wishes. Only by expressing your expectations and desires will each of you get your needs met.
Emotional Needs and Relationships
All people have emotional needs, and in an intimate relationship meeting each other's most important emotional needs is paramount if you are to develop a fulfilling companionship.
Years of interviews have shown that there are 10 emotional needs that are typically the most important in a marriage: admiration, affection, conversation, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment.
Funny thing though, when asked to list these needs in order of priority men almost always list them one way while women list them the opposite way. Is it any wonder then that couples grow apart? We tend to do for the other what we think is most important, and that is rarely what is most important to our partner. We just keep missing the mark, and we get frustrated because we don't understand why.
So if you really want to make a positive difference in your marriage, ask your partner to list his or her emotional needs in order of priority. Then keep that list close at hand so that you can do your part to make sure their most important needs are met.
Marriage is about pleasing each other and creating a happy union. Too often we become selfish and begin to complain that our needs aren't being met. We forget that our partner has needs too. So get back on track by doing this simple exercise and your marriage and your level of happiness is bound to improve.
Reducing Resentment in Your Relationship
We live in a busy world. And because couples are beginning to wait to get married until their mid-to late 20’s they often bring well developed hobbies and lifestyles into their new relationship. While we are dating it may feel endearing to know that our man is still in touch with his inner child, but after the lifelong commitment has been made we may find it aggravating that he still wants to spend so much money and time on computer games.
He may have found your girlish inability to make a decision amusing while you were dating, but now he feels burdened with all choices that have to be made regarding the household responsibilities. Eventually he may even begin to see you as a child rather than his equal partner.
Both scenarios are very common in committed relationships. We are so blinded when we are falling in love, but once the real world gets back on track, some of those hobbies, habits and traits will have to evolve if you are to develop a permanent loving relationship.
One way to begin to close the door on some emerging resentment is to take a good look at your partner’s likes and dislikes. Choose one thing he dislikes and make a commitment to never cross that line, i.e. if he cannot stand wearing “pink” socks, then commit to wash his white clothes separately from the rest.
Then choose something he does like and educate yourself on the subject well enough to participate in the activity with him.
For instance, if he loves to fish, learn something about fishing and take up a real and join him. If you can’t stomach catching a fish then go with him and enjoy the walk together to the pond. Once there, read a book while sitting nearby as he fishes.
Whatever it is, it will be possible to find a way to share each other’s hobbies together. And that will not only give you great quality time together, but it shows your partner how genuinely interested and supportive you are of him and his individual passions.
Monday
Money, Sex & Selfishness
Most people believe that the typical cause of failed relationships is money and/or sex; not so. Although money or sex issues can be prominent symptoms in a bad relationship, they are not the root cause of the problem. Rather, it is pride and selfishness that is at the core of most marriage and relationship issues.
People tend to think of themselves as more giving than selfish and more humble than prideful. But everyone has aspects of their personality which are both selfish and prideful. It is when these egocentric characteristics inflate to the point of causing conflict in a relationship that they have to be acknowledged and dealt with.
Abusive and controlling partners are exhibiting extreme selfishness, while stubborn uncompromising partners are exhibiting extreme levels of pride. Both have convinced themselves that their own desires are paramount and justified, but actually each is behaving in a way that can destroy their relationship.
Even the most extreme issues can be resolved if each person is willing to recognize how their own selfish or prideful behaviors are negatively impacting the relationship. Each person needs to be willing to humble themselves enough to change their own bad behaviors and replace them with behaviors that will positively impact the relationship. If the abusive partner is willing to be less selfish and demanding, more forgiving and compassionate the abuse will stop and the love can flourish.
The solution is simple, but implementing that solution to the degree that is needed in order to create a happy relationship requires a lot of ongoing introspection and behavioral changing. It takes constant personal housecleaning and a strong commitment to replace old habits with positive nurturing behaviors.
So if you find yourself pointing fingers at your partner, believing that s/he is “the problem,” take a look at yourself instead and begin to become the person you would want to be with if you were in their shoes. Remember, the only person you have control over is yourself. And a mighty change can take place in your relationship if you start by changing you.
Tuesday
Warning Signs for Domestic Violence
People in intimate relationships are often in denial about the severity of abuse in their relationship, and they don't see their need for help. Sometimes people delude themselves into believing that their relationship is "different" or that they have the power to "change" their partner's abusive ways. Young people often believe that they are not worthy of a healthy relationship or they are afraid of being alone if they leave their abusive partner.
The truth is, no one deserves to be treated poorly, and their is no excuse for abuse. Regardless of how imperfect the abuser makes the victim feel, it is never the victims fault!
Here are some of the common warning Signs of an abusive relationship:
• Extreme jealousy or insecurity
• Acting as if you belong to him/her.
• Frequent criticism
• Possessiveness
• Controlling behavior
• Explosive temper
• Making false accusations
• Isolating you from your friends and family
• Preventing you from doing things you want to do.
Ask Yourself:
Is your partner jealous or possessive? Does s/he blame you for his/her angry outbursts or his/her other problems? Do you feel afraid to tell him/her you want out of the relationship? Does s/he accuse you of flirting or cheating on him? Does s/he frequently check up on you or make you check in with him throughout the day? Does s/he tell you how to dress or how much makeup to wear? Does he try to control what you do and who you talk to? Does s/he try to keep you from your family and friends? Does s/he have mood swings; angry or yelling at you one minute and afterwards s/he is kind and apologetic or says s/he can’t live without you? Do you often feel like you’re "walking on eggshells" around him/her or trying not to make him/her angry? Does s/he put you down or criticize you and make you feel like you can’t do anything right or that no one else would want you? Does s/he get in your face, point/shake his/her finger at you or intimidate you when s/he is angry? Does s/he yell, kick, shove, punch, slap, hold you down, throw things or hurt you in any way? Does s/he threaten to hurt you or somebody you care about? Does s/he force or pressure you into having sex or going further than you want to?
If you answered yes to 3 or more of these you are probably in a potentially abusive relationship. Don't minimize the risk you are in, and get help NOW.
Too many people have ended up dead because they refused to admit how serious their situation was. Don't become a statistic. Read more about domestic violence - information and resources.
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